what am i to do, when my theology battles my emotions??? i KNOW that God is good, i believe it with all my heart. i KNOW that He is powerful, and the Creator, and could speak LIFE into Gwen, even now!!
but He didn't. He didn't! WHY!? why???! she was just a baby! why not!?
and what does that mean about my faith??? at some point in september, i asked God to give me more faith. And since He is the object of my faith, i thought it would behoove me to study the character of Christ. So i began reading Matthew and Luke, concurrently. And now i regret that decision, since i don't know what to do with the Jesus i'm reading about. He tells me that if i have faith, i can move mountains (Matt. 17:20) and that if two of us agree on earth about anything we ask, it WILL BE DONE for us by our Father in heaven (Matt. 18:19) and that i ought always to pray and not lose heart (luke 18:1) because "will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily." (Luke 18:7-8)
and i understand that that doesn't mean i get everything i want, and that God has this giant cosmic plan that i couldn't understand even if He explained it to me... but didn't Jesus want his disciples and the crowds to take Him at His word? to believe what he spoke to them, and have faith in the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish great things?
i don't care to know that there is a purpose in this. no purpose will be good enough for me. i know that's selfish, and very me-focused. but i'm not okay with my baby dying for my sanctification, or other's sanctification... and i'm not really okay with her dying to bring other's to Jesus. isn't that what His death was for?
I'm not okay with God today. I feel hurt, bruised, disappointed, broken... and His words just confuse me today. today i don't have the faith to say, "though he slay me, i will hope in him."
I believe you are right Erin. HIS death WAS for those things.
ReplyDeleteI fought and still sometimes do fight with the idea and suggestion by others that the death of my mother and fast track into independence was the purpose and will of God. I do not agree with this well meaning sentiment from others. I do not believe God purposed your daughter to die as she did/when she did.
In all His sovereignty He also allows freedom and choice which on one hand makes His love so much greater, but on the other hand, allowed a fallen world to exist and thus bad things happen because creation itself is now flawed. As I wrestle like Jacob over my personal loss and the impact it still has on my life, I finally cry uncle upon accepting that for whatever reason, beyond my ability to understand, this was allowed because it was the best option in a fallen world. It was definitely the best option for my mom.
But what about those of us who are left behind? We hold to His promise that He will bring good from all things to those who trust in Him. That is where the sanctification and the witness and the glory come. It isn't the reason for the loss, but a byproduct when we choose to cling to our faith that He IS good regardless of circumstances; regardless of what this world tells us and takes from us.
We all have those days where we cannot say the things we know to be true or even days when we doubt if these things are true... and that's when we, your brothers and sisters in Christ, stand like Joshua and Caleb to lift your arms, to lift you up before the Lord, and the Spirit intercedes on your behalf as well. Romans 8:26-27
Love in Christ,
Laney
Erin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your pain with your friends and strangers. You are walking through this grief in a very real way.
Tammy Shull shared your story with me as we have walked through a similar story. Our son Korey is with Gwendolyn. I wish I could just give you a hug and have you see my tears, as there isn't much to say at this time except, I am sorry you have to suffer in this way.
You are going to appreciate your journal"blog", that is something I did not do and regret.
Thanks again for being vulnerable and sharing.
I would love to listen some more or reach out in a different way if you would like.
lanaebeth@gmail.com or cell 847-921-5260
Hope beyond,
LaNae Meyer
Dear LORD,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your loving kindness. Thank you for your shoulder and your chest that are big enough for both tears and fists that pummel. Thank you, Father, that you hold every one of Erin's tears.
I cry out for Erin today. I say with her, "I believe, help me with my unbelief!" Be ever present and ever comforting to her. Now and every single day!
in Christ,
GfG
I've been pleading with God after reading the last few posts and seeing a little glimpse of how much you are hurting and how hard this must be. I will continue to pray for the comfort that only He can give. Amen to the prayer from GfG.
ReplyDeleteLove ya'll,
Becky