Monday, November 22

my journal entry today - don't judge too harshly.

can Faith be Faith without emotions? does it only include positive emotions? and when emotions are void, does it nullify your faith?

What do you want of me, God? You have taken what is precious to me. And you desire my affections too? You are most Unfair, God. My obedience you have. My will, my life, my allegiance and faith. And that is not enough? You desire my affections? Do you realize how ludicrous that sounds to me? You wound me, maim me, strip my love and hope away, yet still call, "All of you Erin... love Me with all of you, even your affections."

You are most Unfair, God. You create me four-fold. My physical body mocks me, a constant reminder of what happened and how it failed me. spiritually and mentally, i know Whom I have believed. but maybe not as I should... and emotionally? You do this to me and yet You still exact your requirements to be emotionally loved by me?

And will You not speak to me until I have met them? Will You not meet me here, in the dust and ashes of burned up hopes, as I tremble and hesitate to light the fire of my broken offering? Is it only after that You will comfort and bring relief?

And Your answer to Job in his distress was a display of Your power and awesome might. is that all i am to expect? You put me in my rightful place amidst earthen pots and unformed clay? No comfort, no tears, no divine hug and glimpse of an explanation? Even my parents gave a reason when they disciplined, even if i didn't fully understand it at the time. They never physically struck me without telling me why. Are You not a greater Father and Mother?

But You have struck, You have marred, You have reduced me to nothing. and i hear nothing.

If it's for Your glory that You take children from the arms of eager parents... You are sorely testing our faith in Your loving kindness and compassion.

Should I be so enamored by the Christ's atonement that the loss of Gwendolyn ceases to matter? If that's the case, then why love at all? why create families? Why give us blessings if we're not to enjoy them?

And what does Your Spirit say to mine today? "She out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

You are most Unfair, God.


  1. I appreciate your beautiful honesty.
    It is difficult to be so enamored with our Savior, that the loss of our sweet babies should not bring us to complete sadness. He is enough, but it really doesn't feel like it a lot of times.
    Thinking about you today.

  2. I feel that I can relate here.

    I prayed for a certain outcome and the answer was "No." So if that is the answer, I wanted to know why, but there was no answer. If the answer is no and I will not be given a reason, then at least send people to help. Why am I abandoned? Why am I left alone to fend for myself?

    And many years later, I came to understand that He is not just Creator, Lord, Father but truly the best friend I had always been looking for... answers will not satisfy for the outcome is the same. There is no arguing, whatever the reason. For whatever the reason, it was the best option in a fallen world. It is hard to swallow, but we don't know what the future would have or could have been. We only know what we want it to be.

    But He is there for better or for worse... right beside you because He loves you. He is patient. He's not rushing you. He isn't antsy for you to get over it because He has better things to do. He is there, rubbing your back, stroking your hair... and one day the numbness will lift and you will feel Him again. He is not withholding. He is there.

    So "be still and know that He is God."

    Much love and grace to you,

  3. is there an answer? for you, yes. How will it come? When will it come? I don't know. I just know it will. I will never judge you, and I hope will always be there for you to lean against when it gets too hard to bear...but, I will fail you though I don't want to. Deep within you, you cling to Jesus, I know that. He will bring you through even though it may take a long time. I pray that it is not long, but the healing deep, where the wound is.
    I am still praying, and He is the One who heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.

  4. Oh Erin! Thank you for your naked honesty. I often have those days that it just seems so unfair and I shout(sometimes literally) at God. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. Hold on tightly to moments of peace.