my journal entry today - don't judge too harshly.

can Faith be Faith without emotions? does it only include positive emotions? and when emotions are void, does it nullify your faith?

What do you want of me, God? You have taken what is precious to me. And you desire my affections too? You are most Unfair, God. My obedience you have. My will, my life, my allegiance and faith. And that is not enough? You desire my affections? Do you realize how ludicrous that sounds to me? You wound me, maim me, strip my love and hope away, yet still call, "All of you Erin... love Me with all of you, even your affections."

You are most Unfair, God. You create me four-fold. My physical body mocks me, a constant reminder of what happened and how it failed me. spiritually and mentally, i know Whom I have believed. but maybe not as I should... and emotionally? You do this to me and yet You still exact your requirements to be emotionally loved by me?

And will You not speak to me until I have met them? Will You not meet me here, in the dust and ashes of burned up hopes, as I tremble and hesitate to light the fire of my broken offering? Is it only after that You will comfort and bring relief?

And Your answer to Job in his distress was a display of Your power and awesome might. is that all i am to expect? You put me in my rightful place amidst earthen pots and unformed clay? No comfort, no tears, no divine hug and glimpse of an explanation? Even my parents gave a reason when they disciplined, even if i didn't fully understand it at the time. They never physically struck me without telling me why. Are You not a greater Father and Mother?

But You have struck, You have marred, You have reduced me to nothing. and i hear nothing.

If it's for Your glory that You take children from the arms of eager parents... You are sorely testing our faith in Your loving kindness and compassion.

Should I be so enamored by the Christ's atonement that the loss of Gwendolyn ceases to matter? If that's the case, then why love at all? why create families? Why give us blessings if we're not to enjoy them?

And what does Your Spirit say to mine today? "She out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

You are most Unfair, God.