Saturday, October 18

Four years

It's Gwendolyn's fourth birthday, and I've been a train wreck, waiting for an opportune time to crash. The fall months are usually a Winter-- a slower season of waiting, remembering, and calm. Not so the past few months. Simply breathing is on the to do list.

I have feared much with this fourth birthday. Fear of not enough time, of making others uncomfortable, of not loving her well as the years pass. Fear of envy, fear of pity. No, not pity- impatience. The fear of man has been wide in my eyes.

My four year old fears God rightly. She never doubts. She willingly runs to You and is confident in Your care of her. She delights in Your presence and would not wish, for even one moment, to be anywhere else.

Isaiah 49 speaks loudly to my fearful soul: "He who has pity on them will lead them... The Lord has comforted his people... Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands... Lift up your eyes around and see... Then you will know that I am the LORD, those who wait for me shall not be put to shame."

I do not remember for fear of forgetting. And though even I may one day forget, Abba will not. Gwendolyn's name is engraved in the palm of God and held safe in His arms.

I have not hoped in vain. I will not be put to shame.

Four years closer to the reality of Heaven and wholeness.

Happy birthday, my darling.

Wednesday, May 7


It's past midnight, and I'm finishing a letter of inquiry for a foundation. And 24 hours ago, those words would not even have computed in my head. (translation: I am putting together a letter that explains what Hope Mommies is and what we do and why a foundation should give us money to keep doing it.) I never imagined "grant writing" would go on my resume some day.

Today was one of those amazing-woman days --- the days where you feel like you accomplished so much, and you're learning so much, and you've actually have something to show for all your efforts. Those days don't come too often, so I enjoyed it immensely.

There are times when the growth and scope of Hope Mommies amazes me. Being a director of a non-profit that serves grieving moms was just not on my list of dream jobs when I was 10, you know? But to see it grow from being a God-dreamt idea in my broken heart to an international, multifaceted ministry that needs grant funding and a donor management and payment system and multiple leadership team members and volunteers and accountants and a growing board of directors... I just didn't see all this. And the best part is when I see the results. Tonight on Facebook, a Hope Group leader posted a photo of her group --- they were wrapping up their eight weeks of studying by having a Hospital Box Gathering and balloon release. And I personally had nothing to do with it. I'm a couple hundred miles away and was completely unaware that this was happening, yet there it was! Women who grieved well together, meeting and making boxes that will go into the hands of new Hope Moms...

doesn't that just cause wonder to happen in you?

Maybe not, because you're not me and you don't know the crazy that is my brain. The fact that Hope Mommies thrives is due all to Christ's sustaining and creating work; His calling to individuals to give their resources and heart to serve hurting families. That is just amazing. What an amazing God.

Also, mostly because I LOVE Lindsay Letters and think that everyone should have one of these beauties in their home, I hope you'll skip over to the Hope Mommies blog and read my post from today. :)

Friday, February 14

keep on

Things I want to do with my life:

Well the fun list is long... things like go to cooking school and spend a summer traveling Europe and become a Master Gardner and become creative enough that I don't need Pinterest... those are on the "fun" list (or I should say, "the list that sounds fun but isn't super important, even though they're not bad things.")

But really what I want to spend my life doing is what is pictured below: opening God's word and speaking to women about trusting Him. Thank you to my friend Sara for capturing this desire on film --- it's a perfect reminder for me to continue to press on, even when my old American dream comes creeping in.

Monday, February 10

2014 Retreat

I think that I am out of words.

At least I'm out of any words that are cohesive, informative, and profound. So instead you'll get my stream of consciousness blog as I attempt to sort out the details of the past four days of the Hope Mommies 2014 Retreat.

Wednesday, January 22

if i had a dollar...

If I had a dollar for every post I began (in my head and half typed out) since October, I would have quite a few lattes paid for.

It's been a whirlwind of a season. Since we moved to town, I've been amazed at how easily the days slip by, though hour by hour they seem long. Malacai is staying very busy, growing into a little boy with an impish smile, learning how to count ("one, two, free, four... Aidah!") and sing ABC's, and having very definite opinions --- like we all do, though poor him, he doesn't always get what he wants.

We had a great Christmas and holiday season, and rather than me missing it by being behind the lens, I decided not to photograph and to actually engage. And now it's 10 days left in January (and today is my sister's birthday!). And I really think that being a mom makes your internal clock ALL messed up. And perhaps its just because it's January and the 4th annual Hope Mommies retreat is in 15 days, but I always lose my mind a little bit as we prepare.

The theme this year is Looking UP -- looking up to God to save our brokenness; to Heaven as our hope; to the gospel as our platform in a dying world around us. And this morning I was reminded that as the 101 details need attending to and I'm stressing about how to get it all done, all I really need is to look to God.

"The difficulties and trials--- the casting about in our minds as to what we shall do this summer, or tomorrow, all vanish when we look to God. Rouse yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter if there are a hundred and one things that press, resolutely exclude them all and look to Him."
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

"But I call to God, and the LORD will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me...
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."
- King David, Psalm 55:16-18, 22