Thursday, November 18


Grammar was never really my thing. (when it came to school, I’m not really sure I had a “thing”… biology, maybe? Psychology? Definitely not anything sports related, we know.) I didn’t really click with English grammar until I was learning German, and had to remember how adverbs and adjectives and indirect objects and prepositions worked.

I’ve been thinking that God is a fan of the preposition “through”. According to, the word “through” means: in at the first step of a process, treatment, or method of handling, passing through subsequent steps or stages in order, and finished, accepted, or out of the last step or stage. And that’s what He’s doing in me and in Blair… it's a process, a treatment... a purging of the dross and refining by fire. He wants us to go through the red sea, through the valley of the shadow of death, through the water and fire. There’s no getting around the pain… the only way up is through.

My daughter is one month old today. What would she have been like today? Crying, difficult to understand, opinionated? (read mother’s daughter?) or calm, cautious, and cute as all get out (like her dad)?  Would she have settled into a routine? How much would she have kept us up at night? I bet she would be able to hold her head up. And have gained another few pounds. My daughter.

What kind of mother would I have been? Patient? Enjoying every blessed moment? Frustrated from lack of sleep and having no idea what my screaming baby was trying to communicate? All throughout my pregnancy, I envisioned taking great naps with her. And now, when I lay down I think of what it would feel like to have her little body next to mine, sleeping away. 

What kind of woman am I now? Broken, grief-filled, questioning yet determinedly clinging to what I believe, yes. But how then shall I live? I want to be a better woman, a better wife, daughter, sister, friend… I know that Gwen has impacted me deeply, but I want it to be the good kind of impact that leaves me not a little bit closer to Jesus, but DRAMATICALLY closer to Him and radically more like Him. 

Sweet baby, I miss you today.  Every day brings me closer to you, and I hope in that. I love you, gwenny.  Happy one month with Jesus.


  1. wow, i can't believe Gwen is one month old already! happy birthday, little girl! we miss you.

  2. I've been thinking of you both all day. I had noticed the silence and was not sure of why.... so I let you be so as not to upset anyone.

    I KNOW what kind of mother you would be. The kind you ARE. Everyday you display your mothering to everyone around you and especially to Gwen. You think of her always even above your own thoughts and needs. Thats is what a good mother does. You will ALWAYS be Gwen's mother. ALWAYS! Even when you soon hold her baby brother or sister in your arms you will think of Gwen and what she has taught you.

    I'm glad you had a good get away. Happy 1 month Birthday baby Gwen. The bible say's they have party's in heaven. I wonder if the celebrate these milestones.

  3. Wow. Powerful, Erin.
    You are a grieving, yet amazing mommy. Every beautiful thing about you, is beautiful about your mothering as well.
    Gwen is a blessed little baby. Happy 1 Month to a gorgeous little girl.
    One day you we will be able to see ourselves as mothers...not just feel it. I love you.