i give thanks.

do you ever feel how God comes through at just the right time? tonight was ending on a sad note for me. thanksgiving had gone well - crazy, but well - and today was shopping, movie watching, knitting, playing games, and more movies. mom, dad, blair and i went to see Unstoppable, then walked around downtown denton. we stopped in at Jupiter House for the loo and a drink (i recommend the carmel nut nebula; they also make fabulous latte art).

the last time i was in denton was two weeks before gwendolyn was born. blair was driving to texarkana for work, and i was enjoying a day with my friends. i had started my morning off by taking mom to work, then going to Jupiter House for coffee and a quiet time. i remember being exuberantly happy ... it had been a beautiful fall morning, i was wearing a scarf and drinking coffee, and in a city again. i was immersed in pure felicity. i even wrote danielle and faith, telling them how ridiculously happy i was. and why, you ask? because my life was all that i had hoped. i loved my husband, i was due at any moment, and all was right in the world.

and tonight, remembering how happy i was... well it's just depressing. it seems as if all my happy moments are a mockery.

i met kelly recently... another sweet mom who is missing her baby. (i honestly just hate it that there are so many of us... so much death.... hate it. ) and she sent a link to a youtube video of Desert Song. it is encouraging to know that other people who have felt such a deep loss also have felt the "loss" of feeling God's nearness in the way that you have felt before. and you trust in the God that you know, and you keep walking blindly.


This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow




no weapon formed against me shall remain. thank you, Lord.