Tuesday, January 11

on bad days...

i am full of verbal vomit.
when some unsuspecting stranger asks me how i'm doing, a strangled, senseless response comes out and all of a sudden, i'm crying.
when people talk, i have the endless thought, "pay attention! pay attention! pay attention!" occurring in my brain... and five minutes later i ask myself, "what did they talk about?"
i cry when people look at me sympathetically.
i cry when they don't.
i cry at animated little girls in tutus and rain boots.
i worry that i'm going crazy.
or that i'm depressed.
i want to sleep forever.
my psychology classes are coming to haunt me with dumb diagnoses.
i'm more comfortable in front of this computer screen than my friend's faces, and that worries me.
i worry about blair being stuck with a mental wife.
i worry about blair and his grief.
grief seems to be getting worse.

mandi reminded me that there's no roadmap to grief - it is messy. no clean way of doing this.

today was a bad day.


  1. Verbal vomit - I love it! Its perfect and often how I feel. You have a way with words. It makes me want to meet you more. :) You are not mental or crazy my friend, you are hurting. Be gentle with yourself.

  2. Everything MB said is what I am thinking.
    Grief really is a mess.

  3. Love this and love you... we all the know the pain so well and some days it really hurts.

  4. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. Psalm 38:8-10

    If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:11-12

    ...He knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him." Daniel 2:22

    The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

  5. I cry every time I read your blog. I can't imagine your pain. Thank you for your honesty. I have always been in awe of David's honesty in the Psalms. He did not sugar coat his feelings.

    Just know that it's normal. Know that I am praying for you daily. It was good to see you Sunday.

    Jennifer Apel