Friday, January 14


my daily routine has dramatically changed in the last 12 weeks.

while i was pregnant, i would wake up multiple times in the night to use the restroom. i would usually wake by 5:30 or 6am, and stay awake while gwendolyn announced (with many kicks and pushes) that she too, was up and ready for the day. I would make breakfast for blair and myself, 75% of the time. I'd have a quiet time with a cup of tea before i got on the computer. i'd clean the house, organize her bedroom, finish projects before the upcoming birth. i usually needed a nap by 10am. i'd hang out with anne and boone, or walk down to camp to see the WA students. i made lunch and dinner with relish, enjoying easing in to my role as a stay at home mom.

now... well, now things are pretty different.

i wake up when blair kisses me goodbye for work, around 8am. i get up and put the tea kettle on, and after i finish the tea i put on a pot of coffee. i maybe have breakfast one morning out of the week. i check emails and facebook. i have a quiet time and journal when i feel that i can be in the Lord's presence with all of me.  then i sit and read - a novel, a grief book, blogs. i try to do something productive in the afternoon - laundry. dishes. going for a run. rummaging in the fridge for something edible for dinner. blair and i usually watch a movie or play a game or read our books at night. he goes to bed early now, and i stay awake. and the day repeats.

this morning i was reminded of two things:
suffering is universal. and it is possible to shine Light into the darkness, and the darkness will not prevail.

I found a blog about Katie, a 21 year old american woman who counted the cost and now lives in Uganda, and has 13 adopted girls. She is inspirational in her devotion and willingness to be used up.

I recently started reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, which is really a feat for me since i've always been nervous about eternity. Knowing that we won't be married in Heaven, i often tell Blair how sad that makes me since i love being married to him. (He doesn't seem to have the same emotion in return. :) ) but we now joke that since our marriage is temporary, we should make the most of it.

and reading Katie's blog, and looking at my Gwendolyn's picture this morning, i felt the urge to "make the most of it" - my life here on Earth... "Why not?" was the question echoing in my head concerning a new opportunity God has given me.

The more I read of Heaven and fully embrace the goodness awaiting us - the goodness my daughter is already experiencing - the less hold i have on these things here. and my spirit is uplifted.

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep... For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 16-18 (italics mine)

And so right now, sitting on my couch listening to pandora, i am encouraged at heart and rejoice (yeah, i actually rejoice!) that this is coming! how exciting. how wonderful to have hope. how wonderful that my daughter gets to rise first, and we will always be with the Lord. how short our time is until this becomes reality.

but here's the tricky part of life - in just a moment i am going to get off my couch, put on my running shoes and jog. then come home and make lunch. clean the house. work for a few hours. spend time with scott and anne. and carry on with the day to day business of life. and when the dailyness of life comes back, i am hit again with what i don't have right now - a baby, a home full of laughter, an unbroken heart. and it's with the dailyness of life that i despair, and miss my gwenny. and what my life was supposed to be.

so. somehow i need to keep Heaven before me, allow for mourning (which is right to do), be motivated by the brevity of life, and still make an impact for eternity in the day to day. hmm. daunting. possible?

"May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! May he send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion! May he remember all your offerings and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices! May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners! Now i know that the LORD saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O LORD, save the king! May he answer us when we call." Psalm 20


  1. I know this is a side note in your major point which is incredible - the hope we have and how it totally changes how we view this life - but I'm with you in that I do get sad to know we won't be married in heaven...and I have the wondering of how will we interact in heaven with our husbands since we will remember that we shared this life with them? Strange :)

  2. I love your blog. I love your heart. I feel hopeful when you feel hopeful. I feel as if the breath is knocked out of me when you describe the hard days. ( I just read this one and the previous post at the same time).I wish there was more we could do than just "walk" along side you and Blair. But, I know I cannot "fix" your pain and I know from experience how thankful I was for the many folks who chose to walk alongside us in our stuff. So, I am thankful, so thankful that you are not alone in all of this. And thankful that God gives you the wisdom and grace to talk about all you are going through. And thankful that from what I have read in the word the one thing He wants more than anything is for us to run to Him in times of trouble. "Draw near to the throne of grace to find mercy and help in time of need."

  3. hmm. i can really resonate with you in this ... the excitement for the coming kingdom and seeing our Savior and those we miss so much here ... and then trying to remember that in the very painful dailiness of life. Oh to keep heaven before me! and it's so hard as my thoughts and prayers are so full of requests for the redemption of my marriage -in this life- the healing of my family -in this life- the protection of my children -in this life. hmm.