Thursday, January 20

in the presence

this has kind of been an interesting week.

hard conversations, another melt down, a great time with the walkabout students, a true "farm experience" (more on that later.)

the last two days my thoughts have revolved around one idea - that God prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I keep waking up each day, hoping that i won't be overwhelmed with despair. that something will happen in that day that makes it worth it to keep waking up. (i know, that sounds super depressing. but i've decided that maybe i am super depressed, but it's not as bad as we make depression out to be.) and i've realized that sadness will not go away. it will be a consistent undercurrent to my daily life. i don't have to acknowledge it every day. and if i don't acknowledge it, it doesn't mean i love Gwen any less. or that she's not consistently on my mind or that i don't miss her. and what others think about me is not what matters. ( i get worried that they think i'm over it. or that i'm too upset. but that's not the point.)

so i've meditated on God preparing a table before me - providing for me, loving me, ministering to my needs - in the presence of my enemies - Self Pity, Doubt, Pride, Despair. So i may be in the presence of those things, but that doesn't mean that they have conquered me.

on the livelier side things, blair and i killed a chicken this week. it was terrible. we raise chickens for eggs, but we had a meat hen that we wanted to butcher, since she was getting picked on by the other hens anyway. and thankfully scott, our neighbor, came by and held the chicken down so i didn't have to anymore. but i'm now seriously contemplating removing chicken from my diet for awhile, since i can vividly picture it doing backflips without a head. seriously traumatizing...

also, last night i did an identity piece with the walkabout girls - college age girls who are here for a gap year program. it was so beautiful to see that the Lord is truly in the business of redeeming what has been broken, stolen, or spent. He is passionate about those girls (and me, and you) and is INTENT on us knowing His truth in our inmost being. and He will not stop until He has won over every part of us, even those things that are shameful and hidden, and has renounced the lies in which we view ourselves. I loved seeing Him at work last night. and selfishly, i think i really needed the reminder that God is here, at work, and has not forgotten to be merciful.

This quote has been drifting around in my brain this week:

"There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: "Mine!" -Abraham Kuyper

I believe He cries that over me now, that even in my sadness and the current thread of my daily living, he declares with confidence and power, "MINE!"


  1. Sometimes I am dense enough to need to read something over and over to get it. Thanks for reminding me that I amd HIS and He does prepare a table before us. I love you dear!

  2. your writing about the table in the presence of the enemies made me think of Hinds Feet on High Places (is that the name) in which Much Afraid is given two companions from the Lord - Sadness and Sorrow (again, is that their names) No more thought than that...praying for you and can't wait to see you in a day :)

  3. Beautiful Erin. He is at work. I loved the quote, "There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: "Mine!" -Abraham Kuyper
    It is so very true.
    Continuing to pray for you two!

  4. This made me think of times in the OT in which God called His people to fasting and mourning. Our culture pushes to get over it and move on, which can often prolong the process. But regardless the length, He brings beauty from ashes.
    Blessings, Beautiful!

  5. This was really good to read. I had never quite thought about that verse that way, but it makes total sense. ("You prepare a table...") I had never considered who the enemies might be, but those true. How appropriate. I love the insights and gems the Lord is giving you about His Word. And, again, it's helpful in knowing how to pray for you. I know we don't know each other that well, but I cherish every word of your blog. Thank you for sharing your heart and life with us. I hope you and Danielle are having a good visit.


  6. Beautiful quote. So very true. Sometimes I wish He would take over my thought life with his Mine!s so I am less and He is all.

    Praying for you always, Sister in Christ.

  7. I read this post a few days ago and have often since then been thinking on how you defined enemies. I was encouraged recently by David's honesty in Psalm 69 (relates well to my grief and I posted it on my blog)and thought of how you defined your enemies (which are also mine). While we don't have armies chasing after us (Saul's or other countries)like David did, we do have enemies of the mind that rob us of the sustaining grace that God provides. I'm sure David and others like Job and Jeremiah struggled iwth these as well though. The pain is still real and it hurts in the midst of His grace. I am encouraged Erin how you have been turning TO God with the rawness of the loss of Gwen instead of away in anger and bitterness.