Thursday, December 2


it's been an interesting week. monday and tuesday were almost normal feeling... which feels wrong. on monday i cleaned and had help cleaning, salvaged a vintage couch that i'm going to gut, and made something for dinner. on tuesday i went to bible study, ran errands, bought groceries, and had the chisms over for dinner. on wednesday i went to the staff meeting, and called the insurance agency about medical bills. it was then that i was knocked out of my feelings of normality by a simple question from an unassuming customer service agent: "how's the baby doing?"

and i was thankful, actually. thankful to start crying and break down in the office. thankful for the reminder that i'm still not okay, because i was beginning to worry that i was, and that i was moving on.

and today i'm just sad, unprompted by anything other than the fact that my daughter is dead.

and the Spirit just whispered to me, "she's on the other side, Erin! she's alive, and waiting. and you will see her. a horizon is nothing save the limit of your sight. take heart, dear one! take heart."

a GCM song has been ruminating in my soul:

wait for the Lord
be strong, and let your heart take courage
yes, wait for the Lord.

I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!


  1. Thankful for the normal moments this week. For God's sustaining power in you to enable you to cook dinner, entertain and make plans for future projects.

    I remember when my dad died. I was 23. I am now 56. But I remember driving around town during the first year after he died. I saw him everywhere. Barry Manilow's song, "I Can't Smile Without You" was playing on the radio then. And I identified so with that. And I remember knowing that time would pass and the pain would abate and I remember not wanting that to happen. For it seemed to me then, that at least pain was something of my Daddy. I knew it was inevitable but it was still what I thought. I identified with what you said about being glad to know you were not ok yet.

    We continue to think about you and pray for you.

  2. Erin, Gwen was made not for this earth, but for eternity. We all were made for eternity. And we will spend it together with our angels. One day further from the last time you saw her is one day closer to seeing her again. Love you.

  3. haven't forgotten you guys. Still praying.

  4. Erin - thought I'd share a couple of random things with you - in the hope that maybe it might help - maybe even just a tiny bit. I really, truly believe that our babies instantly went to Heaven. I also believe that time in Heaven is so different than time here. While we feel like the years we will have to wait to see them again are endless, they have no concept of this time. It could be instantaneous to them. They may never even realize that we did not enter Heaven at the same time we did. I wrote a post about this the other day: So, randomly, I found this book called "90 minutes in Heaven" (actually I listened to the iPod version during my commute to/from work) about this man (a pastor actually) who was in a car crash and declared dead (by several people) for 90 minutes. He tells about his visit to Heaven in this book and it's just lovely. I listened to this after I wrote that post on my blog and I almost started crying at the end of the book when he said that while he was in Heaven, there was absolutely no sense of time. I haven't really ever thought before about whether or not I believe in near death experiences or people going to Heaven and coming back but his story seemed really honest. I guess I'm choosing to believe it anyway because it has helped me in dealing with the death of Reese. I hope this helps you too - even just a little.

  5. We sang that song Sunday night and I thought of Gwen and you guys the whole time.

  6. Since your song quotes this Psalm I couldn't help myself in adding a comment. Such a beautiful Psalm. Praying for you.
    Psalm 27:4-14
    4 One thing I ask from the LORD,this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
    5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.
    6 Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.
    7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
    8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, LORD, I will seek.
    9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior.
    10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the LORD will receive me.
    11 Teach me your way, LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
    12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my
    foes,for false witnesses rise up against
    me,spouting malicious accusations.
    13 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
    14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.