Friday, December 24

to: gwendolyn hope, from: mommy

Merry Christmas, my love.

It's Christmas eve, and I'm the last one up, as usual. I've always liked to stay up late, watching the christmas tree lights twinkle and reveling in the magic of the season. And here I sit, reflecting on Christmas and aching to hold you. You've been with our Jesus for sixty-six days now. (Although I have a theory that God keeps the spirit of babies in heaven before birth... completely unfounded, but it's a better option than what's out there.) I hope that they celebrate Christmas in Heaven... I know that every "day" in Heaven is a glorious celebration of our Almighty God, but I also like to think that there are still special moments of remembrance, especially of Jesus' birth, death and ressurrection.

I've missed you so terribly this holiday, gwendolyn. You're in every thought of mine already, but not having you here --- when i had such hopes for your first Christmas --- is literally heart-breaking. I gave your daddy his birthday gift tonight... the scrapbook I made of your life here with us.

To be honest with you gwenny, i'm already dreading next year's Christmas. I see the year of 2011 as a long line of holidays, marked with your absence. Next year's Christmas already seems empty, with you a  year older in Heaven and your earthly friends a year older here. Maybe i'll become a kwanzaa celebrator... it doesn't have anything inherently based around love, mothers, fathers, or family.

I feel as if what is "mother" in me is slipping away, the further away i get from you. I'm regressing to being just Erin, which is not near as joyful or fulfilling as being your mom. I am your mom. You are my daughter. I have a daughter. I will keep saying that to myself over and over, to remember that it's true, and you and i know each other deeply.

Look at me, writing you a merry christmas note and getting sidetracked on myself... i'm sorry love. It must be silly to pray for those in heaven, since you are in the fullness of joy. but i earnestly pray for you, my gwendolyn hope, that you are profoundly at rest within Love, full of joy and peace.

I cannot wait to see you again. I enjoy you, every moment. I love you, beyond what you'll ever know. I am so glad you are my daughter. Merry Christmas, my beautiful sweetheart.


  1. Thanks again for sharing your heart. For being so faithful to the little girl that God gave you. I am sorry she was here for such a short time. I would have loved to have met her and watched her in and around church. I am sorry to have to wait to meet her in heaven but grateful that Gwendolyn Hope is real and that she will be met by many who have prayed for her Mommy and Daddy. I am sorry for your aching and your grief and the missing of this beautiful gift of God that was here all too short a time. Much love, and prayers for strength and peace.

  2. Oh my Erin.
    I love you.
    I love your daughter.

  3. I have a love/hate view of your blogs...I love seeing what a wonderful heart you have, and hate that it is feeling such pain. As your daddy, I want to take away all the hurt and see you full of joy. My hope is in Jesus' love for much more than mine. Yet, just we talked this morning, you know that if it were in my power, this never would have happened. So, what does that tell us about our loving Savior? We know His mercy and love are ours, and we know that He is all powerful, and all knowing. I have to trust that He will cause what we are all living through right now, is for our good, somehow.

    I miss Gwen. I believe she is with Jesus, and with your little brother Christopher. I believe we will be welcomed one day by them both, and they will delight in showing us the glories of heaven!

    I love you baby,

  4. ok, so your dad's post made me cry almost as much as yours did. as much as you love gwen, he loves you. it's funny...ever since you lost gwen the times i understand the depth of your pain and loss are when i catch a glimpse of another parents' love for their child. and i think that is how fiercely you love her and to not be able to pour that onto her tangibly must be so achy. i looked through your preggo pics recently. you were such a beautiful pregnant woman and i am so glad you were diligent to take so many vivid "milestone" pictures along the way. what a cherished way to remember her with you. merry christmas mama erin. you ARE a mommy and a very loving one at that. love you.

  5. i love you daddy. thank you for your encouragement, your consistent strength in my life and faithfulness to pray and support our family.

    kristen, sarah and audi - thank you friends. much love to you this holiday.

  6. Ok, I'm with Audi - your dad's comment has me in tears. You are a mom, without any doubt.