Tuesday, December 14

"oh yeah..." moments

i have lots of those now. the moments when you think, "oh yeah... i think i forgot to turn off my hair straightener... oh yeah, retail orders... oh yeah, i haven't written so-and-so back and i guess its been like a week... how did that happen? ... oh yeah, etc." 

i've always been slightly forgetful, but it's worse. blair can tell me something and in that moment i'm totally tracking with him, but then the next day he'll bring it up again and i have no idea what he's talking about. 

and i'm slightly amazed at how fast days go by. i'll have the "oh yeah..." moment and i realize it's been many days since the phone call i meant to return, or the thank you letters that i need to write, or emails/facebook i need to respond to. huh.

i'm just not fully present, anywhere.

it's tuesday morning. and already it's halfway through december,  my mom graduates on friday, matt and dad are having birthdays this weekend, my baby brother's 14th anniversary/birthday (what DO you call that day??) is this week as well, and gwendolyn would be 2 months this friday. and then it's christmas, flying to wisconsin, driving all over wisconsin for a wedding, flying to dallas, driving home. geez. i'm exhausted just writing it out.

i really wish i had more/better pictures of gwenny. i didn't think at the time, "oh this is the last thing i'll have of her. i should get really nice photos..." i just still hoped that i would have life with her, and i could take a gazillion photos every day. 

i miss her today. i miss her every day, but today the pain is acute. every thing i do has sadness wrapped up with it. i've been working on christmas gifts; i won't ever buy her a christmas gift. or birthday gift. or a what-the-heck, i-just-love-you gift.  i'm drinking coffee this morning; i won't have the moment when she's young and wants to try coffee because mommy drinks it, screwing up her little face in distaste. or the moment when she's a teenager and wants a frappucino from starbucks because it feels cool, or when she's a young woman and we go out for coffee to talk about her life and her heart. i won't make scrambled eggs for her or rub her back when she's sick, or show her how to crochet and knit and embroider things. 

so for all of you who have kids, can you just enjoy the heck out of them today??? because i can't enjoy mine. and i know it's valid when you get irritated at your child, but honestly... it is very difficult to walk through walmart and hear a frazzled mom lashing out at her children about things she will NOT buy, or hear complaints about lack of sleep, lack of understanding about what the child is communicating, etc. 

i would LOVE to have a reason to be irritated. one of these days i'm going to pop and start yelling at the women yelling at their kids, "You HAVE your KIDS! Stop yelling at them! Isn't that more important?! Who cares if they're irritating you!? or you can't sleep!? or they can't sleep!? they're with you, aren't they??? you don't have to wonder what she would be like at 5 years old, or 12, or 18. You'll get to experience it. so just deal with the unpleasantness and enjoy the fact that your child is alive, and loves you."

okay... didn't plan on venting. sorry.

and disclaimer: for my sweet friends who have children, please know that i  really love you and am not trying to induce guilt for when you are at your wits end. it's still valid. and i know i'd have the same moments if gwen were alive. i guess my prayer is that you'll be able to quickly move through the frustration and give thanks that you are even being frustrated. (and i'll still want to hear about your life and difficulties, even if it's hard for me okay?)

coffee? check. 
crying? check. 
quiet time? getting to it now...


  1. =) I'm smiling because all week I have thought your words.
    I want to yell that to EVERYONE from the rooftop. So thanks!
    Chet says I SHOULD tell people...but clearly that would not be a great idea. As I walk through Wal-Mart, "SO crazy, ungrateful lady, do you really want to know why you should LOVE your child right now??...." Yeah, I best not. Love you and your honest heart.

  2. oh-yeah, and I have short-term memory loss terribly lately. Like I forgot that was what I was supposed to include on my first comment. ;)

  3. I have a terrible memory, Dan is always pointing out that I say I'm gonna do things and then forget. My mind is just somewhere else always....and FYI, I did kind of yell at someone right after we lost Noah, someone put on facebook how they were so sad b/c their husband was out of town and all they had was their newborn who was no fun and I wrote a long not so much message and put her in her place. It happens. Having a toddler, I understand parent frustration, but I always wish it were a bit louder and crazier around the house than it is. Love you.

  4. this is sad and happy for me to write but your losing gwen has helped me to enjoy atticus more. to give him an extra squeeze, hair stroke, kiss, book reading, nursing, etc...in the day. and an extra "thank you God" too. your true loss puts little losses into perspective for me. and i give my sleep, my time, my agenda up more easily for him now. i am sad to write this. but i am happy to be able to say that your life has inspired me to not be that lady in walmart....yet :) love you e. thanks for reminding us of what is real.

  5. thanks audi. i really am glad that you're enjoying him more... that's my hope for all of my friends. and thats my hope for me, and any children God ever gives me... i want to always remember to love and enjoy them they way i crave to love and enjoy her.

    and kelly - ha! i think that's great. maybe i shouldn't, but i do. :)

    sarah - if you ever do come unglued on those unsuspecting parents, let me know how it goes... :) maybe i'll try it first and see how it works out. i do kindof agree with Chet... we have a platform we never wanted, but here we are. so combine that with Grace and just maybe i'll make an impact that's helpful, rather than guilt inducing.

    love you all.

  6. Praying for you. I love your honesty and I love how God is meeting you in the midst of all of this. I am so thankful that God has let you meet other moms who walk this same road so that you are not alone in it. I wish the road to healing was quicker and less painful. But I also think that since God says children are a gift that when they are gone then the obvious response is tears and pain of loss. How could it be otherwise? So, I will continue to pray for and weep for you as you walk this difficult journey of knowing she is but that she is not here with you, where we all wish she was. Grace and peace to you today.

  7. I am SO happy I am not alone. There have been times when I have been with a group of friends and all they are doing is talking about being tired, their kids are driving them crazy and I have to get up and walk away becuase I am afraid I might burst at any minute. I would give anything to feel all of those things. I was ready for a loud house...
    I turly love and appreciate your honesty.

  8. Erin, I think about and pray for you every single day. I agree with Audi. Because of your honesty, I am making it a point to always enjoy Michael to the fullest (which isn't too incredibly hard) and always be thankful, even the times of little sleep, difficulties nursing, etc. I think motherhood causes you to see the world differently. I can hardly handle watching the news anymore and hearing any stories about mothers hurting their kids. Or just hearing about anyone being hurt, mistreated, etc. because they are somebody's child. I pray and have faith that God will bless you with more children that you will get to enjoy life with while still keeping a special place in your heart for sweet Gwenny. Love you.

  9. "I'm just not present, anywhere" I really identify with that statement. it is so hard for me to be fully present with my kids, with my family, with friends, with myself this week. i can't wait to see you and hug you when you're here. i'm sorry for the energy it will take out of you to get here, but selfishly, i will be so happy to have you here with me. praying for you as always.

  10. I am one of those parents that grumbled but then Holden came into my life and forever changed my outlook. I wish it wasn't that kind of message but I heard it loud and clear and I am humbled.

    I worked as management for Wal-Mart and I saw things that would leave me crying in my car at the end of the day. I would strive harder just to be a good parent from the things I witnessed working there.

    Thank you for your honesty. I don't blame you for feeling that way. Sometimes we all need a reality check. Americans don't realize how good we have it. With our new project Holden Uganda my heart has been broken a hundred times since August 28th. God is truly refining us.

    I think of you often and I am so glad Gwen will be our first baby to honor. Sarah picked wisely! You are a beautiful family and I thank the Lord for introducing me to your story. God Bless You!

    With Immense Love,