the red line

in 2006, three days after graduating college, i packed all my belongings (mostly clothes) and headed to chicago, all because the Lord told me to go. and what i experienced there is a different story, written in a different blog, but pieces of it come back to me frequently. it was a sweet time of learning to love the Lord beyond anything and anyone.

A few months in to my time in chicago, faith and danielle came to visit me. i remember us running through downtown chicago in the pouring rain, then sitting on the Metra train for 3 hours in the a/c, and f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g, missing our concert and being bailed out by a stranger. i remember all of us huddled on my full size futon, sleeping sideways with our feet hanging off because i didn't own any other furniture in my apartment. and i remember our goodbye, how the girls were on the opposite side of the L tracks, waiting for their train, all three of us crying. and i think it was faith that said, "this is so dumb," because we were 20 feet away from each other and crying, but separated.

i've felt that way a lot, recently. in the last few days i've felt that i'm on opposite side of the tracks, able to see my friends, hear their words, cry with them... but still separated. what a lonely road, this grief.

we're in denton for christmas. my mom graduated on friday... i am so proud of her! she has spent the last eight years completing her undergrad and master's degrees, all the while being a wife, full time employee, mom, and busy grandmother. now she's done, and i hope she'll be able to relax a bit before she and dad figure out their next big adventure.

i feel a little lost here. i'm out of my routine, so i'm not sure what to do with myself. i'm also attempting to keep a step ahead of a cold/ear infection, but i think it's a losing battle. i feel like grief is present but healing is on hold... but that's probably not true. part of healing is catching up with the rest of the world, right? i mean, my living room couch isn't the only place i'll experience the touch of God... right?
sure.

tonight we went with autumn and justin to a community group called the Upper Room in dallas. and i wasn't very present... there was a family with 6 children in front of us. 4 were adopted. one was a baby girl, just a few weeks old. i was watching the girls most of the time. one of the girls, a cute little asian 4 or 5 year old, was standing on the chair behind her mom during the worship. and she was singing along and mimicking the adults around her, raising her hands and swaying. and i cried, wishing i would see gwen mimic us, and knowing that one day i'll get to worship with her. and the baby was asleep in her older sister's arms. as i watched, she woke up and opened her eyes, waving her arms and focusing her gaze on her sister. and i cried, wishing with all my might that i could've seen gwen open her eyes, move her hands... anything with life.

so tomorrow is monday. we're going to the Hydrant to work for a few hours, then tour a camp. maybe tomorrow i'll be a bit more myself. but for now i just feel stuck on the opposite side of the tracks.