long day...

this morning we went to church. i cried the whole service through.

on the drive there, we listened to a Selah cd that my dear friend gave to me. On the cd, Todd sings the song, "I Surrender All". The song has always had a profound meaning for me, ever since i rededicated my life to Christ in my high school years. But this morning I couldn't handle the song, or the memories of how fervently I have sung that to my Lord. See, God and I have this "no lying" policy. (well, I should say that I have a "no lying" policy towards Him, since it is impossible for God to lie.) I have sworn that i will not say anything to God that i don't fully mean - intellectually, soulfully, and emotionally. So if i'm singing a song that says something i don't agree with or cannot honestly confess to Him at that moment, i don't sing that line/song.

And this morning, i was confronted with the question, "Do you surrender all to Me, Erin?" And i couldn't answer Him. because I would never, never, never, willingly give Gwendolyn up. I hope that I could love Jesus enough to be obedient, and joyfully so, but I cannot say that I would give her up, if offered the choice.

During the month of October, our church has read the story of Abraham and Isaac during our call to worship. And two weeks ago, as i sat there counting contractions all throughout the service, I thought, "I don't have that, God. I don't have the attitude and trust of Abraham to sacrifice my child, my only child whom i love, to you." (and i thought this, thinking that i would never really have to... or the "sacrifice" would be some type of metaphor for when they're going through rebellious teenage years.)

I cried all the way to church, thinking of how I love Gwen and am not willing to give her up, and how "he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37) So I lose daughter and Jesus? (I know, theologically that i cannot lose Jesus nor He lose me; but it is the question of my heart's loyalty to Him is at stake.)

And the service was filled with songs that i could not sing, like, "If ever i loved Thee, My Jesus tis now." So, i'm not really sure how to process this question that He still poses before me. I kindof just want to ignore it. But annoyingly, He's expanding the question in my mind, and reminding me that what i have and WHO i have in my life are gifts... could i surrender Blair? my parents and family? my friends? Could i hold them loosely, knowing they are but gifts and never mine in the first place?

Nope. my honest answer is currently, "heck no." I know He'll be working on that in my heart, and eventually i will surrender my will to His... but right now, i'm not there.

Blair and I went took a picnic lunch to Gwenny's plot. We took a pumpkin and the last photo of me pregnant with her... at the pumpkin patch. I've always liked cemeteries... you can go there and never be bothered, you can have any type of emotion and it's somehow allowed there. I didn't think I would want to frequent her plot, but i might surprise myself.