i just need to give a disclaimer on here... i am freaked out by people telling me i'm strong. Blair and i had this conversation last night... we don't feel strong, we feel incredibly weak, fragile, and on the verge of breakdowns at the drop of a hat. And, as the people pleaser that i am, if i assume that people assume i am strong, i will try to keep up that front to keep people pleased. and that's not what this blog will be.
it's very possible that at some point on this blog i will be yelling (if you can yell through type) and possibly even curse as i attempt to live... really live, clinging to Jesus. so please know that if there is anything good, it is Jesus. if there is anything pure and lovely, faith-filled or merciful, it is Jesus.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."
okay, i'm done. panic attack averted.
Each morning as I open my eyes to face the day in the last week, Jesus has gently whispered your name in my ear. You, Blair and your precious daughter, Gwendolyn, race through my mind until I can grab you in the name of the Lord, slow my mind, and ask, really beg, for your peace and strength just for this day.
ReplyDeleteI continue to get this image repeated in my mind's eye - I am about four rows directly behind you and Blair at the funeral and your sweet-spirited pastor asks us to stand for the first hymn, I believe it was My Savior's Love. You stood with help of your husband (and I thought to myself how much pain physically and emotionally you must be in) and we all began to sing. And then, you raised your hand in praise to Him. And I was just mesmerized by this act of complete abandon in that moment. No one would have judged you should you have needed to curl up in the fetal position and wail right there in the middle of the service. It would not have been some indication of your lack of faith or strength. But instead, you stood and raised your precious hand in praise and submission to the Lord. That image has returned to me many times in the last few days and I am certain it will continue to return as a reminder to me of complete surrender through suffering.
I am grateful to you for allowing God to work through you in such a public way. Thank you for your willingness to live out your life in the light. I am learning. Through you, Blair and Gwendolyn, my faith has deepened and my conversation with Jesus has taken on a new dimension.
Please know your entire family is on my mind and in my prayers.
Donna Bloom
Just scream for us!!!! We'll listen, we'll scream with you, we'll still think your strong!
ReplyDeleteWe are all ready to hold you as you sink to your knees.
please curse. it would do everyone some good.
ReplyDeleteAmen and amen. You are only a woman - a beautiful woman, but human just the same. It is Jesus in you Who is strong. I found so much hope in what your pastor said at Gwen's funeral, that GOD will sustain your faith. In the meantime, that gives you the freedom to be real, and angry, and hurt, and confused, and to believe that somehow, God will sustain you.
ReplyDeletePlease do be real... this is a powerful post... good for you for writing it. I'm praying for you and Blair (all the way in Northern Virginia).
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