Wednesday, October 27

i've stayed busy today.

Do you know that amos lee song, "colors"? the chorus says "when you're gone, all the colors fade", and i have resonated with that the last few days. My attention is not easily held by anything, except maybe facebook and blogs. Books, movies, eating... not so much. (I do eat though; don't worry mom.) 

But today i have been consumed with figuring out how to make a blog look pretty (thanks Justin for helping me out). And now that i am somewhat satisfied with how it looks, i will write. 

This morning i had a picture in my mind of a baby sleeping on a big bed, surrounded by pillows. You know how we make those cushy barriers to keep the baby from falling? I was picturing the Holy Spirit doing that for us, and how He has cushioned us in, preparing us for this journey. Examples: I started going to a bible study on Heaven this fall. Recently I had asked the Lord what my cross to bear was... i know now. We had finally been able to spend more time at church, building relationships - and when last week hit, our church family knew us and have loved on us well. He placed us in a community of believers at Camp Eagle who also carry our hearts. Our birth class instructor spent a good portion one night going over what happens during a c-section, and also had us "create" our birth plans and smash them, to remind us that what we get will most likely not be what we imagined. Our pastor has been preaching through Colossians, and both of us have loved learning what it means to truly rejoice in salvation.

And this morning I pictured the Spirit preparing us, saying things like "This will hurt them in this way... i will put another pillow here. Or pad them with more community here. Or put this scripture on their hearts to remind them of Truth when they hurt." I'm thankful for the tenderness of the Spirit in His preparation. 

Of course, the flip side of that is that the same Lord that was preparing us for grief could also have changed everything and allowed Gwen to live. But I am not God, and arguing with Him (at this point) is just not helpful to me. So while i continue to cry out, "WHY!?" with many tears and sobs, I know that He does not need to explain Himself to me. He can and is still Good, even with His mysteriousness. 
(I just thought of those lines from C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, where Lucy is discussing Aslan with Beaver... she asks if he's safe, and the the Beaver responds, "Safe? Who said anything about 'safe'? 'Course he isn't safe. But He's good. He's the King, I tell you.")

Also, the tests results were inconclusive. There were a few factors that when maybe put all together could possibly be a reason she didn't survive, but she couldn't say for sure. I feel okay with this. 

Tonight is a chili cook-off and pumpkin carving at camp. I'm anticipating good friends and good hugs, with moments of sadness weaving through it all. I so wanted my little pumpkin baby to be here for this. 


  1. I love the new look of your beautiful blog, Erin. Well done.

  2. I agree with Donna. I love the blog. I hope you can continue to have an outlet here. Thanks for sharing your heart with us, Erin. I know that everybody has been saying this, but you really have been on my mind all week. This morning, I was at the gym, looking up at the ceiling, and you came to my mind. So I prayed. And tonight, at a bible study that I have with two young women, I thought of you. So I prayed. And yesterday, when I was drinking coffee with my love, my mind flew to Texas, thinking of you. So I prayed. Thank you for letting us see your heart. Please know that in the only way I know how to help, I'm doing my best to help. By praying.
    Love to you and Blair,
    Becky (Vanlaningham) Stevenson

  3. Your blog looks incredible! You are so creative, Erin! And insightful. I love the picture you painted of the Holy Spirit and the way He cushion's our falls. Thanks for sharing, Lovey (insert English accent in last word :).

  4. yea, i'm kind of jealous of your blog. you were always more artsy fartsy than me. i remember sitting next to you in the car ride to josh sherrard's wedding, crocheting, and thinking "how the heck is she on hats already?! i am on the scarf i started on when we started our crocheting life at SAME TIME!". oh well. i love that one of your outlets is to share your heart with us. what a treat for us. love you.

  5. I love this post. It is so wonderful to see how God prepared you ahead of time for this. I remember an older friend telling me one time that the caravan that rescued Joseph out of the pit his brothers threw him in had been sent out months in advance of him being thrown in the pit. I have always loved that and trusted that to be true. And I have seen it true in my life and I see it again here. I cry when I read your posts. I love the tenderness of your writing and crying out to God. He loves us and wants to be the one we cling to. I love to see you clinging and Him providing for your needs as only He can.
    Praying for you as you travel home today.