Monday, October 25


are rough. i woke this morning and laid in bed, recalling my dreams and thankful that they weren't grief filled. The grief came rushing in, when i glanced over to the co-sleeper and was reminded yet again that she's not there.

I yelled at God in my head this morning. (I didn't want to wake Blair.) Why!? Why me, when so many horrible mothers don't want their babies?? i WANT mine.

I feel hurt by God. He hurt my feelings, which is a very odd sensation to be in with the Almighty. I know that He's good, but this does not seem like goodness. It seems out of character for Him. I was thinking of this passage,

"Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:9-11

This is a stone, God! I don't understand, and you hurt my feelings, and i don't see how this is good. But i know you are good, and incapable of evil. so please show me your goodness.

I got up and made tea (sage tea apparently reduces breast milk, so i'm trying it. but it tastes wretched, even with mounds of honey.) And read in Matthew. I've been reading Matthew and Luke concurrently, and today I was in Matthew 17, the transfiguration of Jesus. And while this was out of context (being married to a MBI graduate makes you very conscientious of taking the Word of God as it was meant to be taken), it still spoke to me:

" But Jesus came and touched them, saying, 'Rise, and have no fear'. And when they lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only." Matthew 17:7-8

Lord, enable me to have no fear and to see no one by you only, sweet Jesus.


  1. Erin,

    I know you through my friend Donna Bloom. I've met you and your husband a couple of times through your brother Josiah and his wife Debi.

    I want to tell you that I have been praying for you and for Blair and for your daughter. Each time I have prayed for something specific for you from Jesus, but the truth is I don't know what to ask for.

    God has given us examples and lessons about terrible suffering in His Word, as one of your friends pointed out so well on this blog. None better than our Lord's own suffering leading up to His death on the cross.

    Scripture tells us that just before He yielded up His spirit, our Lord called out in a loud voice (yelled!) "My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?"

    Yes, Jesus is the Son of God, and sinless, and had voluntarily taken on all the sin of the world in order to sacrifice Himself to redeem all of us, but didn't He also walk the Earth fully human in compassion and sympathy for us? The one true God, who is perfect and uncorrupted, is the same God who voluntarily suffered - and experienced everything that goes along with intense suffering, the anguish and grief that's so much greater, with more pressure than can be contained by the merely human vessel that's carrying it.

    He did this to redeem us, but He also did it so we would know He understands all of it. And He made certain it was included in His Word, in Scripture.

    We worship the God of suffering who fully understands what no other human being ever could, not a god who denies the reality you are living, the layers and depths of which no mere human being can ever fathom no matter how much they love you.

    And we also worship the God of resurrection. Jesus showed us that also.

    I don't know why this terrible thing has happened, and why you and your husband and your family have to go through such horrendous pain. But I know that crying out in a loud voice at God in the midst of such horror puts you side-by-side with Jesus, and that in His omniscient wisdom He knows all the unknowable things you are suffering. And that when your faith defeats death itself however many years from now, He will stretch Himself out upon you, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands, and you will be with Him.

    in Christ,

    Jim McKinney

  2. Hi Erin,
    You don't know me but I have been praying for you. I understand the deep pain you are going through. I too lost a daughter, my first born. Her due date was October 13th, 2005. I often think of Sydney and what she would be like now, 5 years later. The pain those first few weeks after we lost her was almost unbearable at times but God always knew what we needed even before we did and he always provided. If you need anyone to vent to, I am here. I get it, I will pray for you. ( Little by little there will be real joy in your days again.

  3. When I went through a deep bout of depression the Lord led me to Lamentations 3. I read Lamentations 3:1-20 every night for 9 months. I knew it was there just for anger and hurt were spelled out in the Bible just for me! After 9 months I was able to move forward and read Lamentations 3:21-26. The Lord is good and will bring you through to the end!
    I'm praying for you...