isn't that the title of that kid's book? a little over the top, but expresses an emotion quite well.
i just re-read facebook messages from the last two weeks... and they roll from prayers of healing and faith into prayers for comfort in grief. it's difficult to remember.
i'm broken hearted today. i don't want to be strong, and i don't want to know or attempt to be comforted by the fact that God is using this to give me a greater faith or make us great witnesses or anything. i really just want this to be a dream, and to wake up with gwen kicking inside me or crying beside me.
but i won't. and the nightmare just goes on.
Monday, November 1
Sunday, October 31
on a happier note...
last night we celebrated Josh and Meredith getting married... it was beautiful and touching and i cried sad and happy tears. we saw a lot of good friends... a lot of our counselors --- our little family --- came, which was really encouraging to us.
i of course forgot to take photos during the daylight.
during the ceremony, josh and meredith honored Gwendolyn by walking a single pink rose down to blair and me. (cue tears.)
during the daddy daughter dance, i was sad that blair wasn't able to dance with gwenny. but most of the day was joyful... and i'm thrilled for them.
i of course forgot to take photos during the daylight.
during the ceremony, josh and meredith honored Gwendolyn by walking a single pink rose down to blair and me. (cue tears.)
during the daddy daughter dance, i was sad that blair wasn't able to dance with gwenny. but most of the day was joyful... and i'm thrilled for them.
long day...
this morning we went to church. i cried the whole service through.
on the drive there, we listened to a Selah cd that my dear friend gave to me. On the cd, Todd sings the song, "I Surrender All". The song has always had a profound meaning for me, ever since i rededicated my life to Christ in my high school years. But this morning I couldn't handle the song, or the memories of how fervently I have sung that to my Lord. See, God and I have this "no lying" policy. (well, I should say that I have a "no lying" policy towards Him, since it is impossible for God to lie.) I have sworn that i will not say anything to God that i don't fully mean - intellectually, soulfully, and emotionally. So if i'm singing a song that says something i don't agree with or cannot honestly confess to Him at that moment, i don't sing that line/song.
And this morning, i was confronted with the question, "Do you surrender all to Me, Erin?" And i couldn't answer Him. because I would never, never, never, willingly give Gwendolyn up. I hope that I could love Jesus enough to be obedient, and joyfully so, but I cannot say that I would give her up, if offered the choice.
During the month of October, our church has read the story of Abraham and Isaac during our call to worship. And two weeks ago, as i sat there counting contractions all throughout the service, I thought, "I don't have that, God. I don't have the attitude and trust of Abraham to sacrifice my child, my only child whom i love, to you." (and i thought this, thinking that i would never really have to... or the "sacrifice" would be some type of metaphor for when they're going through rebellious teenage years.)
I cried all the way to church, thinking of how I love Gwen and am not willing to give her up, and how "he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37) So I lose daughter and Jesus? (I know, theologically that i cannot lose Jesus nor He lose me; but it is the question of my heart's loyalty to Him is at stake.)
And the service was filled with songs that i could not sing, like, "If ever i loved Thee, My Jesus tis now." So, i'm not really sure how to process this question that He still poses before me. I kindof just want to ignore it. But annoyingly, He's expanding the question in my mind, and reminding me that what i have and WHO i have in my life are gifts... could i surrender Blair? my parents and family? my friends? Could i hold them loosely, knowing they are but gifts and never mine in the first place?
Nope. my honest answer is currently, "heck no." I know He'll be working on that in my heart, and eventually i will surrender my will to His... but right now, i'm not there.
Blair and I went took a picnic lunch to Gwenny's plot. We took a pumpkin and the last photo of me pregnant with her... at the pumpkin patch. I've always liked cemeteries... you can go there and never be bothered, you can have any type of emotion and it's somehow allowed there. I didn't think I would want to frequent her plot, but i might surprise myself.
on the drive there, we listened to a Selah cd that my dear friend gave to me. On the cd, Todd sings the song, "I Surrender All". The song has always had a profound meaning for me, ever since i rededicated my life to Christ in my high school years. But this morning I couldn't handle the song, or the memories of how fervently I have sung that to my Lord. See, God and I have this "no lying" policy. (well, I should say that I have a "no lying" policy towards Him, since it is impossible for God to lie.) I have sworn that i will not say anything to God that i don't fully mean - intellectually, soulfully, and emotionally. So if i'm singing a song that says something i don't agree with or cannot honestly confess to Him at that moment, i don't sing that line/song.
And this morning, i was confronted with the question, "Do you surrender all to Me, Erin?" And i couldn't answer Him. because I would never, never, never, willingly give Gwendolyn up. I hope that I could love Jesus enough to be obedient, and joyfully so, but I cannot say that I would give her up, if offered the choice.
During the month of October, our church has read the story of Abraham and Isaac during our call to worship. And two weeks ago, as i sat there counting contractions all throughout the service, I thought, "I don't have that, God. I don't have the attitude and trust of Abraham to sacrifice my child, my only child whom i love, to you." (and i thought this, thinking that i would never really have to... or the "sacrifice" would be some type of metaphor for when they're going through rebellious teenage years.)
I cried all the way to church, thinking of how I love Gwen and am not willing to give her up, and how "he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37) So I lose daughter and Jesus? (I know, theologically that i cannot lose Jesus nor He lose me; but it is the question of my heart's loyalty to Him is at stake.)
And the service was filled with songs that i could not sing, like, "If ever i loved Thee, My Jesus tis now." So, i'm not really sure how to process this question that He still poses before me. I kindof just want to ignore it. But annoyingly, He's expanding the question in my mind, and reminding me that what i have and WHO i have in my life are gifts... could i surrender Blair? my parents and family? my friends? Could i hold them loosely, knowing they are but gifts and never mine in the first place?
Nope. my honest answer is currently, "heck no." I know He'll be working on that in my heart, and eventually i will surrender my will to His... but right now, i'm not there.
Blair and I went took a picnic lunch to Gwenny's plot. We took a pumpkin and the last photo of me pregnant with her... at the pumpkin patch. I've always liked cemeteries... you can go there and never be bothered, you can have any type of emotion and it's somehow allowed there. I didn't think I would want to frequent her plot, but i might surprise myself.
Thursday, October 28
carried by grace
i just spent the morning coughing up phlegm (what a gross word) and reading through Sarah's blog. She has been a huge source of encouragement to me, and what i saw over and over again in her blog is her decision to keep on living. She chooses joy in Christ over the pain of losing Holden, and I am truly astounded by her.
Last night Blair and I went to the pumpkin carving and chili cook-off at camp. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was... this was one of those little deaths. I had hoped to bring Gwen and show her off. Both of us had been in more of a fragile mood yesterday, and it was difficult to smile and laugh. And i know that my sweet friends don't quite know what to do to love on us... keep loving and asking and hugging all the same, please. Just know sometimes i will not want to talk or smile.
by the grace of God, i purpose to live today... i think a walk and making carrot cake are in order.
Last night Blair and I went to the pumpkin carving and chili cook-off at camp. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was... this was one of those little deaths. I had hoped to bring Gwen and show her off. Both of us had been in more of a fragile mood yesterday, and it was difficult to smile and laugh. And i know that my sweet friends don't quite know what to do to love on us... keep loving and asking and hugging all the same, please. Just know sometimes i will not want to talk or smile.
by the grace of God, i purpose to live today... i think a walk and making carrot cake are in order.
Wednesday, October 27
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