a new anthem

i found a new theme song for this scene in my life.

missing you.

I really have extraordinary nieces. Each of them is so unique, and with a completely different personality. Brynn is just hilarious. She has a HUGE heart, communicates constantly, always wants to be included, kindof a space cadet, but very intuitive and observant of people. Debi told me a story about her from when she was 3 that has stuck with me:

Easter (+ 1 day)

This past week brought many visitors out to Camp Eagle/Home - both of Blair's grandparents came for a visit (drove all the way from Wisconsin!), and my parents came out for the weekend to celebrate their 35th anniversary. 

to wait.

i've been on the run this week. I haven't wanted to let six months be a big deal, so i've stayed busy and have had shallow quiet times. I have found that evasion does not work; your thoughts will find you, no matter how hard you try. here's a bird's eye view of my thoughts this week:

blunt.

it's my daughter's 6 month birthday and my 3 year anniversary with my husband today, so this is not the post that you would typically expect for such a day. But today.

drafts

This week held interesting moments for me.

On Wednesday night I sobbed on my porch, remembering how happy I was 6 months prior. It was the eve of my due date, and although I had not had any contractions, how can you not be excited that the day you've been waiting for has finally arrived? Remembering the happiness is too much for me. How could I have been so blissfully unaware?

house of cards

As I've said before, I love C.S. Lewis. Earlier yesterday afternoon, I realized that I had never listened to one of his broadcasts (I was assuming something existed, somewhere, with his voice.) So I found a YouTube video last night, and sat there smiling like a goofball, hearing one of my heroes go on about "prayrr".

I've felt in a funk all week. I've been tired and overwhelmed, and tired of being overwhelmed. I've entertained "crazy" ideas... ideas of running away, hopping a plane, starting over, medication, car wrecks... wednesday was not a healthy day for me. (My husband is amazing though, and redeemed the day by setting out notes of encouragement all over the house, reminding me that it's okay and i'm safe to be myself here.) All week I've felt in a wash of self-pity, jumbling around with discouragement, disappointment, unmet expectations, and bruised pride.

a kitchen floor kind of day.

You know it's a bad day when you cry on the kitchen floor.

I woke up today, somehow knowing it would be a tender one. My premonition proved true: I took a nap this afternoon to try and dispel the gloom; I woke up in a daze and wandered to her memory box, crying for awhile over the smell of her. Then I wandered to the living room; I cried for awhile over her first photos. I sat on the kitchen floor; crying for awhile over the enemy of Death, and crying out for the Lord Jesus to return quickly.