missing you.

I really have extraordinary nieces. Each of them is so unique, and with a completely different personality. Brynn is just hilarious. She has a HUGE heart, communicates constantly, always wants to be included, kindof a space cadet, but very intuitive and observant of people. Debi told me a story about her from when she was 3 that has stuck with me:
one of their chickens had died, and she wanted to talk with Debi about it. Brynn explained, "I'm not sad in my eyes, just sad in my heart." Three years old, yet understands that some hurts just settle in your gut, without making their way out to the visible world.

Tonight I'm both sad in my eyes and heart, although dry eyes is becoming more common. You would think that maybe that is a good thing... and maybe it is? But you can't help but feel that you're presenting a "good front" to yourself and others when you're laughing and talking like a normal person. Or you feel like it's all wrong somehow, as if the world is colored differently and nobody seems to notice besides you.

I just miss her. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose the image of her in my head, the one small memory I hold of her in my arms. Her heartbeat was slowing, and she wasn't able to breathe on her own. And although she had been removed from the machine, her body would involuntarily inhale, causing her whole body to move and her head to turn upwards. It would make my heart leap with hope, seeing that.

Oh, how I miss you sweetheart. I miss you.