Thursday, April 21

to wait.

i've been on the run this week. I haven't wanted to let six months be a big deal, so i've stayed busy and have had shallow quiet times. I have found that evasion does not work; your thoughts will find you, no matter how hard you try. here's a bird's eye view of my thoughts this week:

six months. according to pregnancy sites, at six months gwen would be learning to roll over (although if she stayed the chunkster that she was at birth, that would be a feat). She would be learning to use her hands to rake objects towards her. She would be growing and I would be completely unaware that this level of refining were possible.

I love my camp family. I'm thankful that they know us - know that a dance party can make me cry, that the word "hope" is a sweet reminder, that plants cheer my spirit. I am thankful that the Lord put us in this community, for such a time as this.

I wrote this to my dad in an email two days ago: "One aspect of grief that i really hate is that is "unmoors" you - whatever i thought was my hold on my life is loosened, and i feel put to sea; cast out, shaky... however you want to phrase that emotion. i know that God is my Rock, but everywhere else i put my foot down falls away like quicksand. I don't know how to build upon the Rock --- build new dreams, new plans, new goals. They all seem to fade away."

When we first lost Gwen, both Blair and I were scouring our Bibles, searching for promises, healing, truth, and hope. We learned that affliction will remove every pretense and illusion,  leaving you with only a foundation of faith (or no foundation at all). Six months later I am still left with remnants, meandering through the rubble, testing every inch of my foundation. I have tested, and found my Rock secure. I know that He is who He says He is... even when I don't like it, even when I can't understand it. I know that He is good, and faithful, and merciful, and just. I could keep running around on my foundation, testing and retesting and re-arguing. Or I could sit and wait. (Which is obviously the harder of the two choices for me. I've never been good at being still.)

 "The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
   to the soul who seeks him.
 It is good that one should wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he bear
   the yoke in his youth.

Let him sit alone in silence
   when it is laid on him;
 let him put his mouth in the dust—
   there may yet be hope;
let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
   and let him be filled with insults.

 For the Lord will not
   cast off forever,
but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
   according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
for he does not willingly afflict
   or grieve the children of men." 
Lamentations 3:25-33

 "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.
 Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
Psalm 27:13-14

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
      for my hope is in him."
Psalm 62:5

"Our soul waits for the LORD;
   he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
   because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
   even as we hope in you."
Psalm 33:20-22

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