On Wednesday night I sobbed on my porch, remembering how happy I was 6 months prior. It was the eve of my due date, and although I had not had any contractions, how can you not be excited that the day you've been waiting for has finally arrived? Remembering the happiness is too much for me. How could I have been so blissfully unaware?
I so often feel as though I was "divinely duped"; a fool for believing it could really work out as perfect as I wanted. (take note of the undercurrent of fear and unbelief in that statement, please.)
On Thursday we had dinner with Scott and Anne. The subject of cloth diapers came up, and I realized that I have purposefully forgotten an entire vocabulary that I had spent 9 months memorizing. Talking about them felt awkward... awkward to remember how much I loved every miniscule detail of motherhood, awkward remembering that I used to talk about details all the time.
On Friday night I worked in the coffee shop with Blair, making frappuccino drinks and lattes for a men's group. We got to spend awhile visiting with one man in particular, Mark. He was here for the retreat to spend time with his son. And there was the point in conversation when I knew the question, "Do you have kids?" was around the corner. I stood unmoving, wiping the counter over and over again while listening to Blair explain the "yes" and "no" of Gwendolyn. I then walked quickly to the office to cry and recollect myself; I need to remember that unsuspecting people ask those kind of things. If I ever do get pregnant again I will have to face, "Oh! Is this your first???" all the time. I dread socially polite questions.
This morning I am cleaning out my draft emails. And I found a treasure: a glimpse into the "before Gwen" phase of Erin. See if you can spy the God-moment hidden in there.
When were alarm clocks invented anyway?
September 14, 2010.
did people live healthier lives when they woke up and went to sleep with the sun, doing only the work that was needed for that day? i bet it at least was a whole lot simpler. that's just one of the random thoughts that i have this morning... this 3:51am morning, to be exact.
i've been waking up around 3 or so every morning, hungry and wide awake. usually i just find something to eat and then lay in bed for an hour or so until i fall back asleep, but today i thought i'd try to blog or have a quiet time or something that was more mentally stimulating than laying in bed, wishing i were asleep.
i'm 36 weeks this week. blair thinks the baby is coming early, around 38 weeks. everyone here at camp can't imagine me going to full term, or even later... they say i'm just too big. we'll see though. i'm getting more nervous about the actual birth experience. i suppose that's normal... even Jesus acknowledged that there's a level of sorrow when a woman's time to give birth comes, but thankfully, the joy that comes after replaces any sorrow! (John 16:21).
I'm going to attend a woman's bible study at our church today. It's a study by Dr. David Jeremiah on "Revealing the Mysteries of Heaven". I'm apprehensive about that as well... have I ever told each of you how freaked out I get by eternity? I do. literally. I have severe anxiety attacks and end up crying and hyperventilating if i think about it too much, which is ridiculous and so opposite of the command to hope in Heaven. So i suppose that i'm happy the bible study happens to be about this... i do want to grow. i want to have a biblical perspective about Heaven and eternity, that surpasses mental assent and secures itself deep in my soul. i'm just nervous about what it takes to get there.
speaking of, blair recently commented on how unsettled i get about the unknown factor of life. and i suppose that's true. not sure if that needs to change, or if some level of "ahhh!??" is okay when i consider future events? i don't know that it upsets my peace or my trust in the sovereignty of God... it just makes me shake in my boots a little to consider the BIG things ahead of me (like parenthood, my marriage changing, my whole life's schedule changing, etc.)
i made a delicious pesto yesterday from the basil in my garden. i love being resourceful and eating the fruit of the earth! Blair went dove hunting this past saturday, and i'm going to make a dove pot pie this week. i just love all this organic living. :)
and speaking of organic living, there's a couple in my church that i'm beginning to get to know who has a similar mindset and decision making process that blair and i have about life and family. they have 4 kids, and are pregnant with their 5th, and they cloth diaper and use midwives and... well i'm not sure what else yet, but i'm excited to find out. it's nice to know that we have company down here with similar values.
oh. i just realized that my due date is a month from today. fun.
and earlier last week was our 2 year anniversary for moving to texas. weird. how fast it has gone.
i'm so thankful for how our God answers prayer and cares for our hearts. 2 years ago i was an emotional wreck, and my poor husband had no idea what to do with his new wife. having just been married and then moving, which involved changing locations, jobs, churches, friend groups, and community was overwhelming to the both of us, and we both dealt with the change in differing ways. blair overworked himself, and i think i just moped and cried (at least his was productive!) but now we love our lives here, even though it can still be challenging. God brought us to a biblically focused church, developed encouraging relationships with those here at camp, gave us grace over our house to help my little heart feel at home, and gave us satisfaction and joy in our employment. And over all of this He has matured our marriage and trust in each other. How great is our God!
computer's going to die... i should try to sleep now (4:11am).
Did you find it?
"I do want to grow. I want to have a Biblical perspective about Heaven and eternity, that surpasses mental assent and secures itself deep in my soul. I'm just nervous about what it takes to get there."
I'm torn between emotions: Angry that He was preparing me. Thankful that He was preparing me. Grateful that I'm growing, that my anxiety attacks about Heaven have (almost) disappeared, replaced by an eager anticipation and prayerful heart, consistently crying "Come quickly, Lord Jesus!" Angry that her death is what it took. Humbled, knowing that He didn't take her because I was faithless and fearful. Brokenhearted, still. Always.
I'm a mess of emotions and You're a seeming mess of contradictions, but I'm thankful. And I know You're bigger and better than everything I think You to be, and it's only my skewed vision that presents You alternately. I so miss waking up at 4am because of her, Lord. I miss enjoying the "basil" out of life. I miss the great happiness. I miss the anticipation of meeting her. But I WILL meet her... remind me of that when my heart is discouraged. How great, and incomprehensible, and near, and compassionate is Our God.
I can relate to this post. I remember looking back and finding a post when I was about 15 weeks pregnant talking about feeling like God was really moving, preparing me for something, but not sure what. I guess it was better I didn't know then, but I understand that feeling of anger (kinda), like I was being set up. But I know he was merely preparing me.
ReplyDeleteStill praying, Erin. Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteI got goose bumps reading that. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThat brings tears to my eyes. I look back over the last year, and think some of the same things. My struggle cannot compare to that of losing a precious child. But I do know so much more now than I did a year ago about what it means to be shaken down to your very core. What did I really believe about God, about life, about what it means to be a believer?
ReplyDeleteI finally understand what people meant when they said "It was hard. It was difficult. I never, ever want to go through something like that again. But I wouldn't trade it for anything"
How can there be such a contradiction? Only in God's economy.
I know that I wouldn't have the deep, deep understanding of and gratefulness for God's grace that I have now.
No. I never want to go through the hurt, fear, betrayal, physical, emotional, spiritual stress that I did last year. I don't think I could make it through that again! But my love for God has grown exponentially.
I pray for you. I appreciate you real, open vulnerability. It is through people like you that God teaches and changes the world. One person at a time.
Thank you.