what next?

It's monday morning, and I'm back to my usual routine: coffee, pajamas, quiet time, and blogging. Yesterday I ran the half marathon in dallas. It was ... an experience? To run with so many (15,000 to be exact), all running for various reasons and causes, cheered on by so many family and friends. There was a very cool moment when we were all silent, listening and humming the national anthem. It made me thrill at the thought of thousands upon thousands singing in Heaven, all united in the single purpose of glorifying our Redeemer.


I finished the race better than I expected, and I'm thankful that I can now choose to hang up my running shoes. ("Choose" being the operative word; I will keep it up... i think.)

On our drive home, I immediately thought, "Okay. What next?" What will I do next to occupy a large portion of my time? What shall I have looming on the horizon? What should I put effort and energy into?

Summer camp is of course on it's way. To be honest, I'm afraid of it. When I think of my pregnancy with Gwen, I remember summer the most: singing "Trading My Sorrows" one too many times, laughing with the campers about how big she was, guessing at her gender, being suggested ridiculous names, having Cindy tell me 5,000 times that I'm huge and pregnancy is so weird and I'm going to have that huge "thing" come out of my body. :) Summer 2010 was so incredibly happy.

And as other Hope Moms know, revisiting places in which you were incredibly happy is now (potentially) inexplicably painful. I always have the choice about how I hold on to the experience, but there's no getting around the "The last time..." blues. The last time I met our summer staff I was pregnant. The last time our campers were here, she was here too. The last time I was a part of Camp Eagle Headwaters, I thought it was the last time.

So approaching summer 2011 holds so many weighty things, things that my new counselors will think i'm crazy for, things these new campers won't understand when I start crying during the worship time. My heart is afraid of investing and being overwhelmed. Julia told me at Christmas as we talked about summer 2010, "Gwen was a part of our [camp] family." Forming a new camp family without her is so incredibly sad to me. I hate the idea that she could become a, "In the summer of 2010..." story. I don't like that this is my story.

"But I press on..."


and one Day, this will all make sense. And for now, I press on.