inhale

i'm attempting to "simmer down" and breathe. i came home last night from a five day kayaking trip, slept wonderfully, awoke to the sound of my chickens squawking, and got to the busyness of my day. i'm on my  ___ cup of coffee (number unknown), and my scattered thoughts range from the smell of basil in my house, to what the heck am i doing starting a non-profit, to summer camp t-shirts, laundry, my family coming down, and back around again.

(breathe.)

where am i really, God? I feel like i've been a little energizer bunny, going and going without knowing how my heart is doing, with emotions bubbling under the surface but never having time to slow down and work through them. or even bring them out to acknowledge, "oh wow. look at that, i feel anxious because ____."

(breathe. collect.)

i had a meltdown in my kayak in the last 3 miles of our 60 mile trip. why, you ask? because God didn't change the wind (and a mound of reasons underneath that.) After a beautiful four days of kayaking, we had only a few more miles before arriving at the boat ramp. We were in the middle of a wide canyon, facing a headwind that i put 100% effort into and moved about 4 inches. irritation, to the max. I was by myself in my kayak, spaced out about a quarter mile between people, praying that the Lord of the Earth would stop the wind and waves. Or at least reverse it so it was a tailwind. But He did neither. So like the disciples, I started crying, "Don't you care???" (Mark 4:38)

Don't you care that I'm not moving at all? Don't you care that I have a hard time knowing You, pursuing You, trusting You? Don't you care that I'm trying really hard to stay faithful, and I don't feel like You're faithful to me? Don't you care that I feel lost? Alone? Discouraged? Overlooked? Overwhelmed? Don't You care about my heart? Why don't You care?"

(cue crying. and yelling in the wind.)

I pulled over to the side of the canyon and towed my boat behind me. I caught up to the group eventually. My mind replayed, "You don't care," a thousand times.

and i'm stuck, Lord, wrestling with what it means to earnestly seek You, believing that You will make yourself find-able. I have felt so unloved by You. I feel like You just keep telling me, "Press on! Persevere! Keep going!" without saying, "I love You sweetheart. I'm for you. I'm with you. I will protect you. I will keep you."

This morning in the shower I picked up the fight where we left off yesterday. (maybe it's a water thing.) and immediately You said, "I scream 'I love you!' from the cross." What more am I asking of you, really? Am i expecting you to make life a bundle of happiness, without any of the tribulation that you promised? Am i expecting you to rescue me from every challenging situation, or emotional or spiritual hurdle? That's not your style. You're about my growth. You're about me turning more and more into your own likeness, the likeness of your Son who died. for me. died. died. Do i even get that? (no.)

Lord, I'm sorry. I do want it easy. In so many ways, I feel like I deserve a free pass on the rest of life's disappointments and sorrows. and i'm an idiot, who looks in the mirror and immediately forgets what she looks like when she walks away. You do answer. You do restore. You do love me. I just forget, God.

(breathe. rest. walk.)