heirs of the earth

This morning i decided to use a devotional book as a supplement to my quiet time, to kick start me back into study since i've been coasting the past week or so. I have a devotional by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that works through the Psalms, so I opened up to the next one in queue: Psalm 51, David's famous "forgive me" psalm after his affair with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah.

And immediately I thought, "oh rats. I was hoping for a better one; this doesn't apply to me." (warning sirens should've sounded in my brain, but they didn't.)

So as I'm working through it, the Lord began to highlight things in me, ugly things that I wish weren't a part of my processing:

1. The "why me?" victim mentality I've frequently entertained since Gwendolyn died,
2. The audacity and pride that I've held before the Lord; "Sin isn't my issue; your will is."

Why not me? Why not me, out of the 15 other pregnant women I knew in 2010? Why am I anything different, that I "deserve" a healthy, happy daughter? Why do i elevate myself above pregnant teens, neglectful parents, abusive parents, parents on drugs?

Have I made wise decisions, preparing me for motherhood?
yes, by the grace of God. 

Did I enjoy a healthy, drug free pregnancy?
yes, by the grace of God.

Will I ever hurt or neglect my children?
no, by the grace of God.


My ability to be a better mom is not my own doing; it is by the grace of God. And while it is so difficult for me to swallow that the Lord gives precious babies to irresponsible women, and not to me - it's not for me to decide. it's not for me to point my finger, to elevate myself, to decide who is deserving and who is not. How can I know what God is doing in that woman's life? perhaps that baby is His redemption.

And what am i deserving of? An eternity of suffering - an endless October 20th. But by the grace of God, I am what I am: saved. forgiven. redeemed. chosen. blessed. hopeful.