somewhere in the middle of this

** I wrote this yesterday, but didn't finish, but wanted to post anyway. so here. :) **

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so worship is hard for me, right? (and by worship i mean, the beginning music set at a christian church service.) music is emotional words put to song, and christian music is emotional words, founded on truth, directed to the God of the universe. and it's just really unfortunate for me that music is always the beginning of a church service, because i'm usually a wreck by the 3rd line of the first song, and i start to check out because being in His presence is just too much for me. so by the time the sermon comes along i have a difficult time pulling back together and concentrating. I think i miss a lot of good sermons now because my brain is so blurred.

last night i went with Autumn and Justin to the Upper Room community in Dallas.

So i was raised fairly conservative, and this group is just so NOT conservative that it's a little unnerving. But last night i started to wonder if they are the group that has the courage to shout what we only whisper, to proclaim what we only hope for. (maybe. and maybe we're all wrong and in heaven we'll laugh at our elementary worship of God on earth.)

I know that everything I do, see, hear, or experience is filtered through the lens of disappointment, and great sorrow, and the weight of the knowledge of a Long-Suffering God. And it's difficult for me to be with so much joyful happiness when I am not in that place. And it's challenging for me to put a reign on cynicism, and not think, "Yes, but..." all the time.