Monday, February 14


Oh Gwen.

I had plans for another post, but with Kelly's song playing in the background and Paige's recent post, the images of you laying in your NICU bed have rushed to the front of my mind and i sit, missing you.

oh baby, does God give you my letters? does He let you see me and your daddy, here missing you? does He show you what He's doing?

oh dear. here i am alone at the house, and having a breakdown like i haven't had in awhile. i've kept busy with work and hope mommies, and it's shoved my sadness into darker corners, waiting for an opening to take the limelight of my concentration.

gwen i miss you. i miss being pregnant with you. i'm envious of every young mother i see. i want to show you off. i want to see you discover your hands and how your wrists can move. i'm missing your infancy, and i'm jealous of the angels and saints. i have a week where i stay fairly busy, and have only cried a little each day, and i think, "maybe it'll work to keep going," and then in rushes you, the memory of your fuzzy head and how hopeful i was in the hospital, "maybe... maybe i will see her and her heart will have improved...maybe her kidneys will have started to work... maybe, maybe..." remembering the hope is painful. i physically ache to feel you, gwendolyn.

it's valentines day, sweetheart. although that doesn't mean very much to me, really... holidays come and go and i usually don't remember what day it is anyway. but if you were here, i'm sure i would've dressed you up in something obnoxiously pink and red, taking pictures of blair and me kissing your chubby cheeks to send out as our valentines day card.

oh sweetheart. your mom is now armed with a box of kleenex and listening to just about every depressing song that exists, so i will not drag this out. i love you. i miss you. endlessly.
happy valentine's day, sweetheart.


  1. I love how you love her Erin. There was a commercial on TV last night; I don't remember what it was about, but there were newborns in every shot. It hit me again: the pain of not having Gwen here with us.
    I love you,

  2. Yep. The endless amount of all those obnoxious heart outfits got to me. And the ones that say "Mommy loves me". :/
    I love you. I wish I would've called you yesterday.

  3. your love for gwen is precious and strong. thanks for letting us into it.

  4. Your heart - even broken is so beautiful Erin. Thank you for you honesty

  5. Crying as I read this. I've been thinking about ya'll so much over the past 2 weeks. Praying for you.

  6. Erin this is a beautiful post. I was feeling similar today, just missing her. I hope they can feel our love up there in heaven.

  7. It is so hard to not have our beautiful babies on any day.....I can feel how much you love your precious is beautiful!!!

  8. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your love for your little girl. Praying for you often.

  9. Thanks for sharing what is on your heart and for being so honest. Thinking about you this week...

  10. erin, i always admire your openess and sharing your broken heart with so many. i loved the letter, knowing it was coming from a man in the midst of his own heartache. still praying for you!