asceticism or indulgence?

Malacai is taking one of those rare naps that last longer than 20 minutes, which has left me with a good chunk of time to spend with the Lord in His Word and prayer, and also sort through my thoughts and emotions from the last few days. This past weekend was a fun whirlwind of relationships, as my mom, aunts, sisters and cousins came to camp for a girls retreat. On Sunday afternoon, most of the women had left and I was able to enjoy a few hours with just Autumn and Debi (and Cai of course). I always feel like I'm constantly learning when I'm with them - they both have such different interests than I do, and have both done their research, so I feel as though I'm mining the riches of health, parenting, homemaking, and christianity "tips" when we talk. And of course I'm left to wonder if the things that interest me are a waste of time, and I should rather invest my time, treasure and talents in more than crafts, creativity, and Pinterest.

One Day

Two years ago today, on a cold and overcast October morning, we laid our Gwendolyn's precious body in the earth. At the service, Pastor Chris had declared, "One Day, there will be a great undoing of everything we're doing here!"

Looking forward to the Day! Come, Lord Jesus.

birthday post script

There were a few interesting things about your birthday today, Gwenny.

First, while I was pulling out the wish lanterns that we would send to the heavens later this evening, I accidentally tumbled over a shoebox. To my surprise, the shoebox was filled with old love letters from your dad, and our long lost wedding vows! I have searched high and low for those vows, but never found them until today. That was a gift in itself for me, and it was precious for me to be reminded that your dad and I had vowed to love each other through hardship and joys- both of which we've endured. The Spirit may not give me a picture of you yet, Gwenny, but today He reminded me that He is what has sustained my marriage, enabling us to keep what we promised each other exactly four and a half years ago today.

Second, the lighting was just right and I had just enough spark of creativity to put together a quick photo shoot of your little brother. I took a photo of him and our "gwendolamb" - a gift that a sweet friend had given us after you went Home. Gwendolamb has caught many a tear and allowed me to hug her fiercely when I've longed to hold you these past two years, and is often sporting the pink and white crochet hat that you wore while in the hospital. She's my favorite cuddly thing, and now I have "you" and Cai in a great photo together. (Good photos just make me happy, hon.)

Third, we had a birthday party for you tonight. I made you a pumpkin cake and many of the people that had known you came over. We ate a lot of sweets, sent off two wish lanterns, and sat by the fire after everyone had left.

I didn't know how to feel today, Gwen. I told the Lord this morning that I was unsure how to go about today... and was reminded that even though I may not know the layers of my heart, He does. And so even if everyone mourned/remembered/celebrated with us, or no one did - the Lord knows. There is great comfort in that, isn't there? Hmm. I just realized that it was exactly about this time that I met you face to face two years ago... what a moment that was.

I'm thankful that I can count on many more to come. I love you, Gwendolyn Hope Cushman. You have profoundly changed my life, in nearly every way imaginable. I'll see you soon.

Happy Birthday, Baby

Good morning, darling.

It's the morning of your second birthday, and I'm enjoying a cup of coffee at the kitchen table while waiting for the monkey bread to finish baking. (I've decided that monkey bread will be a birthday breakfast tradition.) From where I sit, I can see your little brother rolling all over the floor and chasing the blocks that stay temptingly out of his tiny reach. Your footprints are staring at me from Daddy's coffee mug, and I'm already teary and overwhelmed by how people are loving  our little family today.

a late night prayer

It's late for me (10:24pm to be exact, which yes, I know is not "late" for most of the world). Malacai is sleeping in his crib, in his room, for the first time tonight, so I think that has me a bit wired and edgy. One benefit of his moving to his room is an open space for me to think, and so tonight I'm thinking of my daughter.

So long September?

Well I don't know how it happened, but I entirely lost the month of September. It some how was swallowed up by trips, and visits, and sunday schools starting, and flat tires. (I think; I mean, it was swallowed so I can only surmise.) But somehow it's October...