falling short

Dear Abba,

I've been a horrible person this week.



Unloving as a wife; impatient as a mother; anxious and quick tempered as a leader; disorganized and frustrated as a homemaker; absent and forgetful as a friend; and the sum of all these things as your daughter and servant.

The cares are too much to keep up with and responsibilities too heavy to carry, and the sinful responses so much easier and quicker to appear than your Spirit in me.

If, indeed, you ARE in me? It seems as though You too have needed a vacation, and hearing and feeling your aliveness is an intangible memory lately. I'm on auto-pilot, trying to do and say the things that please you, but I'm falling short.

I'm always falling short.

You're a strange God, liking and delighting in broken things. I'm thankful, Abba, because I'm afraid I will never be anything but broken and falling short. How you could love that, I don't know. But this greedy soul will grab at your grace like a sticky child with sweets. There is no hope of getting it any other way.

"For you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings
    I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 63:7

Abba, I need your help. I need you to transform my heart, and make me the woman you want me to be... that the flame you design would "thy dross consume, and thy gold to refine". Would you turn up the flames, Lord, and consume all the hidden dross that I harbor?

Help me, Abba, to be a good, loving and friendly wife to this blessing of a man that you've given me. Help me to see Malacai's reflection of your glory and cause me to pray rather than tear my hair out when his sin nature presses in. Help me lead and direct with grace and wisdom. And would you expand my heart's meditations to take in more than what is in front of me?

Lord -- you say that you help. And I need it, desperately. So please help this greedy thief of your grace.



PS. Possibly though, God - more of what I need is an attitude that is quick to realize that I am falling short, and to ever plead for your help and count on You to come through. Would you give that to me too?