Friday, May 4

being full

I've been wanting to blog, or journal, or write SOMETHING, anything to just get my sporadic thoughts into the open so I can evaluate and measure the quality of my life. But, "sporadic" is an apt word for my internal churnings these days.

I feel off balanced, but in the best way. I am out of any type of normal routine, but joyfully so. It really feels wrong to be this happy. I think the frantic worry phase of the first week with Malacai has worn off, and the fact that I think he's here to stay is sinking in.

I've told Blair, "I know how to walk with the Lord in emptiness. I know how to find joy in pain, to press into brokenness, and somehow find contentment while waiting. But I don't know how to walk with the Lord in fullness, in restoration, and in the everyday joy that I have now." And he agreed; being this full seems bizarre after a year and a half of "empty".

Cai is a sweet baby. (For those who wondered about the spelling, we named him with an alternate spelling of "Malachi". Since we call him Cai for short, I didn't want people to read his name and guess, "Chi (CHEE, or CHAI) Cushman?"So. It's M-A-L-A-C-A-I. :) ) I'm blessed to have a baby that lets me know what he needs, but then settles down after he gets it. He loves being outside. We'll sit on the swing in the evenings, with books in hand while the water sprinklers dance around us. He is tenacious... mostly a trait I've noticed with feeding. He is so full of expressions, Blair and I just watch and laugh when he's awake.

It's made us both wonder what Gwenny would've been like as an infant. Is she as hairy as Cai? (Kid's got a lot of hair. It's from his Dad's side.) Would she wrinkle her forehead and purse her lips like she's worried or concentrating hard on something? If we had had Gwen, would we have gotten pregnant with Malacai this soon? What would life have been like with an 18 month old toddling around? It's hard, balancing your loves for the child with you, and the one you're waiting to see. One of the best gifts Gwendolyn gave me was to build a hope for Heaven; but how do you fully live here while setting your heart on the Day that's coming?

These are just a few of my thoughts, when I have time to think them. :) In the meantime, I'm just taking one step after another in this new phase of motherhood.

Happy two weeks of redemption; Thank you Faithful Lord.


  1. Love this, love you, love Christ.

  2. This is so beautiful. So true and so personal. I can resonate with those same thoughts and feelings. I often look at my little Ti and wonder what GiLana would have been like to hold. Someday....for now I have found a content place in the blessings I've been given this side of heaven. Sometimes they are so great I get overwhelmed thinking about how much more glorious heaven will be. Thanks for writing.

  3. So beautiful, Erin. So unbelievably happy for you and your sweet baby boy. Gwendolyn is surely rejoicing with you.