Tuesday, March 27


24 days.

Twenty-four days until Baby Monster makes his or her arrival into the world, and we are really, really excited. :)

I wonder though, if I "seem" excited. I've had quite a few people ask me if I am, or how my heart is doing in preparation for this baby. And I'm sure those who haven't experienced infant loss wonder what a subsequent pregnancy feels like, and how to emotionally prepare... so I know it's all in love that I'm being asked.

Before Gwendolyn was born, I had this mental expectation that my life was on the verge of fulfillment... like the ultimate culmination of my life's purpose was at hand, and it was going to be beautiful. I had centered my soul around being a wife and a mother, and here I was! About to see it fulfilled. And then... :)

And then the Lord chose me to carry the weight of a daughter waiting in Heaven, asking me to bear her loss with joy. And He challenged my worldview on every level, redefining my beliefs - not according to what I wanted, or what an American Christian culture was telling me "I deserved" - but according to His Word and His Son, whom He willingly gave up for us all.

And I'm SO thankful. I'm so thankful that I now look forward to Heaven, when formerly I was afraid of eternity and pleaded with God not to take me before I had "lived deep and sucked the marrow out of life", to quote Thoreau. I had thought that everything here was worth living for, and eternity in Heaven was a nice substitute for damnation. And I'm thankful for how losing Gwenny and gaining Christ has shifted my perspective about who I am as a woman.

I am called FIRST to be a disciple of Christ, to KNOW Him and love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. This is the culmination of my existence. The way in which I can do that best is to be the wife and Mom he's called me to be (Titus 2, Galatians 2:20, 1 Corinthians 15). But being a Mom is not the main point of who I am. It is an awesome responsibility and privilege, full of wonder and joy and delights yet unknown. But ultimately I am called to raise little disciples, to teach them about the Lord, laboring with the Spirit for the salvation and sanctification of their souls. That is crazy! And too big for me... but not for my God.

And so if you ask me whether or not I am excited about Baby Monster... my answer is, "Of course! I am blessed among women; humbled to be chosen; thankful that I am not alone in the work of raising them to know and love the Lord.  And if I can teach them but one thing (apart from knowing Jesus), it is that they will KNOW that they are called to much more than what this dying world has to offer, and that Heaven -- Heaven! -- is our home."

24 more days, and then the adventure begins. :)


  1. I love you Erin! The love of Christ radiates through you and I can't wait to meet your "little monster!"

  2. Such a beautiful post. Thank you for perspective.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Beautiful, beautiful, truthful, loving post....You bless my soul!!!

  4. Erin, I love this. I love seeing how God is maturing you and teaching you. You are going to be a wonderful mom. (And Blair a dad as well)

    Guess what! We were learning the same thing around the same time. This is part of something I wrote in my journal near the end of Walkabout about looking toward Heaven:

    "so I am reminded my life and faith are not all about what I want from them. Even if I never get married, have kids, live out my big dreams, or go sky diving, does it really matter? Even if relationships in my life don't get mended or my life is hard--even if I make mistakes and never gain "success," does it matter? Even if my dreams come true, I gain wisdom and knowledge, have a comfortable life, and experience incredible things, is it worth pursuing completely? Does it matter in the end?

    No, all that matters is El Shaddai-- God All-Sufficient. My joy is in Him. I take directions from Him. My reward is with Him in Heaven. But right now, I am here to serve. My goal should only be to trust the Lord as I listen, obey, fully rely on, and point others toward Him. May I live for His glory alone and never lose sight of Christ as central."

    Love you, miss you, and can't wait to see the little one. (But let's be honest, I'm more excited to see YOU soon.)

  5. Your words are wonderful, Erin. What a blessing you are to so many. And Blair, Gwendolyn, and Baby Cushman #2 are especially blessed to have you.

    Thanks for blessing us all with your HOPE.

    All my love and prayers for tomorrow...
    Kim Watson