2012

I have a theory for when Blair is out of town. If I stay up very late, then I can go to bed and fall asleep right away, and not have to think/realize/irrationally fear being alone. Since Blair has been out of town the past week, I think I've been up past midnight every night.

And tonight I'm thinking about how a new year is beginning, and wondering at how 2011 seemed to gain speed through the fall and fly by me. I feel like I'm missing ... well, like I'm missing perspective, which makes me feel a little out of whack in just about every way. 

I can hear Elliot, a counselor from this last summer saying, "Jenna, my life!!" An inside joke with the counselors that I never really understood, since I wasn't involved with summer camp very much this past year. But I can echo the whining confusion and think, "My life! What is it? What is it amounting to? What sums me up, and to what end goal are my efforts trying to reach?" 

I live at a camp. My husband is a summer camp director. I have two foster children. I --Lord willing -- should have a baby in April. I run an organization that tries to support and minister to grieving women. These are my main roles, with various subgroups of "friend", "daughter", "sister", etc spreading underneath. And I'm wondering what I should plan on and work towards this next year. 

I will be a cheerleader for summer camp... which honestly makes me sad. I miss being involved, knowing our counselors, interacting with kids, and doing ministry alongside my man. I accept that I can't be a part of it they way that I used to, and that being the wife with three kids who has lunch conversations with counselors will be about as much as I can do. So... that's out.

Fostering... that's a day-to-day agenda in itself. I'm always a phone call away from having the boys removed from us. It's hard to make long term plans that include little persons who might not be around in a few months. So... banking on that is out too.

I could say the same is true for being pregnant, though I'm sure you'll tell me I'm being pessimistic. But I can't assume a healthy baby is the result of a healthy pregnancy. And I can't assume that even if I do have a healthy baby, or get to adopt the boys, that life is "set". I don't want to the debbie downer here, but we just don't always get what we want. And the people in my life are gifts, not something I can cling to or control. So... I hold this pregnancy loosely too. 

And... Hope Mommies. What is that, anyway? Sometimes I think people don't realize that HM is run by a woman who stays in her pajamas most of the day, works from her couch amidst laundry, and tries to keep up with emails and to-do's while juggling meals, children, and desperately wanting quality time with her husband. Not that I'm wanting sympathy, that's not it. I just worry that people think HM is more put together than I actually am, and I am letting them down. And with two children and another on the way, I see my available window of time dedicated to HM getting smaller and smaller, while my anxiety looms larger and larger. Of course I want this... just like I want camp, and Blair, and the boys and the baby. I'm just unsure of how this all fits together.

So what I'm really hoping and praying for in the year 2012 is some perspective, and an innate ability to prioritize what is really important, and let the rest go. 

And a new blog design. I'd like that too. 

So here's to 2012, whether I'm ready or not...