what in the world.

seriously, only God.

Over the last four months, I've had a continuous thought: "I don't know how people who don't know the Lord get through death, especially death of their long awaited infant." And since then, the Lord has burdened my heart to share the hope that I still hold on to, even (almost) four months after my gwenny's death.

First, let me just lay my hope out there: I believe that I am a sinner, and that there's no possible way for me to get around that. Imagining God doesn't exist doesn't get me around that. Doing good things doesn't even out the score. Pretending like it's all fine and "I'll worry about that later," doesn't get me around that. The great thing is that I don't have to. I believe that God exists, that He loves me and all mankind, and out of His complete mercy, He sent HIS SON to die a torturous death on the cross, to cover my sin. and then God raised Him from the dead, bringing the offer of salvation to the table and showing the world who's Boss.

What am I supposed to do in response to this knowledge? Accept. Trust. Repent. Turn away from sin and self. Hope for the future, walk in the Spirit, and be obedient to His words. And because I have believed that Jesus Christ is Lord and died for my sins, I know I will live forever. In perfection. with my daughter. because I believe that all infants that fall asleep in this world wake up in paradise.

and that is my hope. that Gwendolyn's death is not a forever thing. it's a "only as long i shall live" thing. and then it's on to perfection! crazy.

Knowing that God is bigger than death and that He has saved me enables me not to despair. and enables me to live each day - still - with joy, knowing that perfection is coming.

So, that's my hope. and that is what many people don't have. And i cannot - CANNOT - ignore that any longer. Gwendolyn's death has given me a greater sense of urgency for people to know the Lord, and i'm thankful for that. and as a result, Hope Mommies is beginning.

Hope Mommies is actually just this grand idea, really. I want it to be a website for infant loss, since there isn't very much out there that i've found to be helpful or truthful. I want it to be a way to build community among Hope Moms, so that they can know they are not alone. I want a prayer team that faithfully upholds each Hope Family in prayer. I want to be able to financially help families who cannot cover medical or funeral expenses. I want to give each new Mom a gift basket with good books, tea, kleenex, and gift cards so they can dine out/order in, or pay for a cleaning service. I want to designate teams of people who are willing to tangibly serve these moms by making meals, cleaning their houses, watching their kids, doing laundry. I want to have bible studies for them to download and do on their own, as they wrestle with topics like, "the Goodness of God" and "Heaven" and "Anger" and "What Now?". I want them to be able to buy a t-shirt that tells their story. I want a lot of things for this, actually.

But mostly i just want God to be glorified in my life and blair's and gwenny's. and for moms to know that they are not alone, and that God loves them more than they could ever, ever imagine. and that He will bring beauty from ashes, if they allow Him to.

so stay tuned to Hope Mommies for more details. :)

Thank You Lord, for doing something so beautiful in this broken vessel. It's your beauty leaking through. Please tell my Gwenny that I love her, that I cannot wait to see her, and that I am so thankful for her in my life... she is making me a better mom than i could've ever hoped for.