As i said earlier at the beginning of this story, my favorite part of the weekend was the end of it. I sat with eight other women on a rock in the middle of the San Saba river, pouring our hearts out before the Lord. I loved the closeness of the Holy Spirit to us in that moment. it was tangible. and cause praise to spring to our lips.
I drove home with a heart full of words to our Savior. I had such an intense drive home! I'm actually surprised i didn't get ticketed. I don't normally speed, but as i was praying i would forget to watch the odometer and found myself past 80mph more than once.
I was driving through Fredericksburg to Kerrville, and would pass Gwen's cemetery. I couldn't wait to stop and see her. I was anxious to tell her about the weekend, to thank God for how her sweet life is changing mine and countless others.
I stopped the car. I practically ran to her plot and fell on my knees. I sat there, kneeling over my daughter's body, kissing her headstone, with arms outstretched and voicing the highest praise i could imagine. And i kept saying, "Only YOU! Only You could cause a woman to kneel over her baby's decaying body, declaring Redemption and Hope. Only You can cause brightness and beauty to spring forth from ashes and desolation. What satan had thought would forever cause me to despair has created a greater, more fulfilling joy than i ever imagined. Only You!"
And i knew then that dark days were still ahead. i would still doubt, still be sad, still cry, still mourn the loss of my motherhood and what our family was meant to be. but God is gracious enough to walk through those moments with me. and while I may not always be at peace enough to praise Him from the foot of my daughter's grave, I was that day. and I now have that picture permanently sketched in my mind, and I know that He can and will bring me to that peace again.
"For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever." Psalm 16:10-11, NLT
Wow! Amazing Erin! Love you!
ReplyDeleteOh, how I wept reading this. Thank you for sharing that, Erin, and thank You, Father, for the good work You are doing.
ReplyDeleteGwenny is just so blessed by her parents. What a day it will be when you will get to learn about all the people her life has touched.
ReplyDeleteErin,
ReplyDeleteGod is using you in so many ways! It's such a blessing to follow your blogging (if it doesn't seem weird to say that your dealing with this tragic loss can be a blessing), but i hope you know what i mean! I had my little man just a week or so before you had Gwen and every time i read a post of yours, I'm reminded to be so thankful for him. Thankful that he wakes me up screaming in the middle of the night and that he wants to eat all the time and that i can't get anything seemingly productive done because his needs demand so much of my time. I'm so sorry for your loss, but if it can be of any consolation, God is using you in the lives of so many, me included. So thanks for sharing your journey with us, thanks for being open, and real, and you.
P.S. i never realized that you live in Kerrville. My dad, his wife, and my grandmother live there! I'm hoping to get to visit sometime this summer and i'd love to see you if you're around! Take care!
Oh praise be to God for the joy He is giving you as only He can in this time of loss and grieving! Yes... remember this... He will indeed bring beauty from the ashes. But of course the pain will still be there, but God is being glorified
ReplyDeleteErin, I am so full of awe when I see your heart through your experience with our God. You are a wonderful gift from God to me.
ReplyDeleteI love you,
dad