Three years ago today, at 3:30am in the morning, you 'fell asleep' in my arms.
I had wondered, darling, how to mourn you and celebrate you this year, on your third birthday. I've thought, "What does grief and longing look like when she's three... and thirteen... and thirty...?" What role will you play in the coming years? Will Malacai understand you and know you (at least in part) in a special way that gives him boldness for the gospel? Will people grow tired of cake and lanterns and us remembering? Do we look ahead in such a way that it is a joy, rather than a burden, to our family and friends?
And of course, all of these words are my emotional ponderings, not quite a letter to you. Ahem.
Do you know how special it is that you exist? God decided to populate His new world with you in it - you are unique, glorious soul that He wanted to exist for all eternity. And He made you just so, just to grow and live and breathe in me, and impact this groaning earth for a few moments with your beauty. I love that you are eternal, and eternally safe. You are not a figment of my imagination. You have a body that will be fully redeemed and made glorious, with fingers and toes that I will kiss and lips and eyes that will smile. You have a personality and heart that I cannot wait to know. You are a delight, Gwen. All of our best days are certain.
A good friend of ours wrote a letter about how you influenced him, saying, "I want to have as much impact on the kingdom as Gwen. She is amazing to me; it's like the Spirit lives through her death. God's power is so vibrant in the weakness... she must be incredibly special because her life is so terribly poetic and beautiful for the Church and for God I'm sure."
Gwenny, you are incredibly special. Chosen by God, for a unique - but perfect - calling.
As your friends here on Earth age, reveling in everything pink and castles and princesses and dress up, I can't help but wonder about you. Are you aging too? When God calls you to "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you," will it be your ten pound, one ounce body that comes to life? (Oh Gwen! I just had a moment when I realized that verse is for YOU! That will be your call! That will be His sovereign command over your lifeless body - GOD will call your body to life, and it will obey because it belongs to Him! Ahh! Tears. Your mom can't wait for that day.)
I celebrate you today, Gwen, even more so than the day you were born, because this was the day you went Home. So happy Heaven Day, sweetheart. We're three years closer.
I love you forever,
Mom
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