on bad days...

i am full of verbal vomit.
when some unsuspecting stranger asks me how i'm doing, a strangled, senseless response comes out and all of a sudden, i'm crying.
when people talk, i have the endless thought, "pay attention! pay attention! pay attention!" occurring in my brain... and five minutes later i ask myself, "what did they talk about?"
i cry when people look at me sympathetically.
i cry when they don't.
i cry at animated little girls in tutus and rain boots.
i worry that i'm going crazy.
or that i'm depressed.
i want to sleep forever.
my psychology classes are coming to haunt me with dumb diagnoses.
i'm more comfortable in front of this computer screen than my friend's faces, and that worries me.
i worry about blair being stuck with a mental wife.
i worry about blair and his grief.
grief seems to be getting worse.

mandi reminded me that there's no roadmap to grief - it is messy. no clean way of doing this.

today was a bad day.