blessed hope

Recapping the weekend

2012-02-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

"I'm wondering what exactly you prayed for two years ago...?" was a comment a friend of mine just quipped in a email, in response to my current situation in life.
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To say Yes

2012-02-02T04:57:00.000-08:00

It's been an early morning for me. Today I awoke at 5:17am, with the Hope Mommies retreat on my mind. This past month I feel like I've been in the final stages of wedding planning, and today's the big day! For the last 4 months I've been planning, prepping, and praying for this Winter Retreat. We have 24 Hope Moms traveling from 5 different states (and Canada!) to spend a weekend sharing our lives, losses, and journeys through infant loss.

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2012

2011-12-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

I have a theory for when Blair is out of town. If I stay up very late, then I can go to bed and fall asleep right away, and not have to think/realize/irrationally fear being alone. Since Blair has been out of town the past week, I think I've been up past midnight every night.Read more »

a toast

2011-12-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, and Blair, the boys and I are at my parent's for the Christmas holiday. I'm not sure whether it's from eating all of the Christmas goodies laying about, or simply because I'm 21 weeks pregnant now, but I'm definitely entering the "cannot-sit-up; flop-over-like-a-beached-whale" phase of pregnancy.
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brave

2011-12-09T18:17:00.000-08:00

Ahh, the sound of quiet.

Well, it's actually not quiet yet, but the boys are about to switch from the bath, to reading books, to bed, so quiet is soon on it's way. Blair and I had a long day in town with the boys, including a doctor's visit for B and visitation for both of them. And while my heart is still racing from scurrying about: making dinner, cleaning dinner, throwing a load of laundry in, wrapping presents, and putting groceries away, my thoughts are about 1,000 miles away.
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symptoms

2011-12-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

So it's December, my calendar tells me. And the anxiety building in my heart about Christmas gifts and having things organized is also a reminder that the end of the year is coming on quickly... how come Christmas isn't more like Labor day? The purpose of Labor day is to NOT work, NOT stress, and just enjoy. Christmas should definitely be more like that!
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a little fruit

2011-11-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Gwenny,

I think I've decided that it's easier to write to you than to write out my own thoughts these days. Most of the time, random gibberish and unimportant details of the day make their way into my personal journal... maybe with you, I try to actually consolidate my thoughts into something cohesive and semi-important.... maybe. :)
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twenty-eight

2011-11-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Twenty-eight. That's how old I will be as of tomorrow morning. After Gwendolyn went to Jesus, I decided to take a break from all holidays for a year - I ignored my birthday last year, pretty much failed at Christmas, Valentine's Day, and every friend's birthday that has passed. So now that I'm back into a season that allows for special days of the year, I feel out of practice. Or maybe it's that I'm getting old - birthdays lose their "funness".
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just a thought.

2011-11-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

So, confession: I'm a movie cryer.

I'm also a TV show cryer. Last night I cried during a (ridiculous ending) to Bones--- a TV show about forensic anthropology and solving murders. Tonight I cried because of a sad relationship breakup in Pan Am. Most of the time I keep thinking how ridiculous it is that I'm crying, when there are much more important things in the world to absorb your emotions.
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one year; one thousand faces

2011-10-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Gwendolyn Hope,

Happy birthday, precious one. It's 10:24pm on the night of your first birthday, and as I sit here wondering how to encapsulate 365 days into one post, I'm remembering you. I can't remember the exact time, but I know it was close to now when I was finally able to see you. I remember being wheeled through the hallways, up the stairs and praying that they were able to revive you... your heartbeat had plummeted, you know. I was so consumed by the fear that I would arrive in your NICU, and they would tell me you had passed. But the Lord sustained you -- and us -- and allowed us to love on you before you went to Jesus.

We celebrated Christ in you this past Saturday. We wanted to acknowledge your birthday, and give our humble props to God for how tenderly He moved us this year. Gwen, it was such a beautiful party. It was just how it should be - beautiful, full of friends and laughter. It's just what we wanted. And we got to light a wish lantern! Did you see it, lovely?

(Oh Gwen. I am anxious for the right words to say, as if I only get one chance to speak to you! Thank God we have all of eternity.)

In the last year, I've often felt like God gave you the best... and I've been thankful for that. But have held a hurt, begrudging heart toward Him as if to say, "Lord, you gave her the best... but you gave us the short end of the stick." Yet somehow in the past few months, the Lord is shifting my theory.

Gwen, I have seen Christ in one thousand faces. I have been touched, hugged, and kissed by Him every day for the past year. I have been fed meals, sent cards, had my house cleaned, been provided for financially, been given memorial gifts, vacations, days off from responsibilities... all little gifts of Love to salve my broken heart. I love your dad more now than I thought possible. I value life, family and friends more dearly. I (hope) am more empathetic and compassionate to ALL suffering, no matter the cause. I LONG for Heaven - that in itself is a miracle! I know the character of God in a way that I honestly would never have attempted to find.

And maybe, darling, it sounds terrible. You know that I love you; that is unchangeable. But I don't know that I could trade what God has done in me to have you here... what kind of a mother would I have been? Selfish, consumed, petty, close-minded. (I am obviously not perfect, and struggle in a thousand ways.) But Gwendolyn - I know Jesus better. And I know that you value Him above all else... so I think it's okay that I can value Him and knowing Him above you.

This wasn't the short end of the stick for your dad and me. This was His best for us too... just in a much more raw, unimaginable way. God's best may seem like a stone to me, but that doesn't change the truth. And the truth is that He always intended you for Heaven, and us to grow from your death and our short separation.

So here we are... 365 days later, one year closer. I think I wanted today to be some kind of "sob day", where I felt close to you and full of you. I was looking behind Gwendolyn, instead of ahead. Because what you and I have is yet to come! I have all of paradise to chase, tickle, laugh, explore, dream, and create with you.

Our best is coming soon... closer by the day. In the meantime: Gwen, I love you deeply and am so profoundly thankful to be your mom. God took this unformed, unresponsive clay and wet it with the tears and prayers from one thousand friends, family and strangers who have loved you. He began to pull, stretch, roll and shape me into something useable... something of value. I am so humbled to be your mother.

I love you deeply, forever and ever.

Mom

If you were one of the amazing friends who have loved, prayed, written, served, gave, or in some other humble way have loved us --- please know that Christ used you to shape us, drawing us closer to Himself and into His likeness. He is sufficient, and He works through His children.

And if you do not know Him... can I tell you that you are missing out on the best thing that will ever happen to you? There is no hope, no future, no paradise awaiting you without Him. Don't miss out.

Christ - You saved me. From eternity away from you, yes. But You also graciously saved me from a year spent in bitterness, anger and depression, have saved my marriage from becoming torn apart by grief, and have sustained my relationships with those who still have earthly children. You have redeemed my soul, and I love you so much more. Thank you for being the best part of my life.

Gwendolyn Hope Cushman

October 18, 2010 - October 20, 2010

First time we ever saw her was this photo.

a week later

2011-09-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give this a whole week before posting, and coming to any conclusions about foster parenting. Here's what the week looked like, by days:
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ready, set...

2011-09-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

as Anne would say, "Here we go, life!"

It's 10:00pm on Sunday night, and in 12 hours life as I know it will cease, and this soul ache of mine to be a mom -- in one way or another -- will find it's end. We're getting two boys tomorrow, ages three and one. Of course, we don't know how long they'll stay with us, what they're like, what their needs are... but we'll find out tomorrow.
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a new leaf

2011-09-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Gwenny,

Hello Sweetheart! Happy Fall. Though we're in a drought and everything stays brown here, I can close my eyes and imagine the fall leaves and "sweater weather" that I love so much. (I wonder if there are seasons in Heaven?) Right now I'm enjoying a hot chai and listening to Pachelbel, wondering what your days are like in Glory.
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fall lessons

2011-09-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of September. And although it's still reaching 104 degrees most days, the idea of September evokes visions of scarves and new books, pumpkins, hot soups, apple tarts, and all my favorite colors in play. The fall is my favorite season. It's just so cozy. So while it is still blistering hot outside, I will politely ignore the heat, stay inside and make maple leaf decorations. I was talking with Mandi the other night, and recapping for her all that the Lord has taught me in the last couple weeks, and wanted to share here.

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reclaiming joy

2011-08-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

What a summer.

It's an unusually chilly morning here, and I'm enjoying a slow morning with my second cup of coffee. The last of 2011 campers made their way home yesterday, and tomorrow the summer staff will follow. Last night we had all 16 of our staff over for games and a movie. Tonight we'll debrief the summer. And today I'm debriefing myself, evaluating my heart and life and goals.
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Heaven Day

2011-07-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

Gwen's headstone was put in this past weekend, and we got to see it today. It turned out nicely, which makes me happy. Happier still is the day when it will be broken and undone, because the Lord will resurrect her little body. What a glory we can look forward to!
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9

2011-07-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Aughhhh, nine months.

Nine months is here, and I hate it. Nine months since I started having contractions on sunday, october 17.
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silhouettes

2011-07-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

There's been a 24 hour flu bug flying around Texas this summer, leaving dehydrated and exhausted campers in it's wake. It's possible that I've caught the bug, so i'm staying home today to avoid contaminating anyone.
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Elijah days

2011-07-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

Have I talked with you about Elijah days? I honesty can't remember. I know that some of my journey is cyclical, and God keeps unwrapping the onion as I go deeper and deeper into hurdles, heartaches, and His character.

(This might be a senseless post; i'm okay with that.)

Today is an Elijah Day. And if you haven't recently read Elijah, God and the Broom Tree chapter, you should. But some days, I've just had enough and I don't have it in me to keep going and I don't even want to ask God to fill me, because I know that He will and then I'll have to keep going. (How's that for self-pity?)

Well. Yes. I am selfish and self-pitying and tired. Maybe I'm mostly tired. I don't know.

But today I appreciate that God responded to Elijah with sleep and food, and sleep and food again. So that's my plan for today: Sleep, and food. and maybe tomorrow I will journey on.

(and this will probably be a post that I will later be embarrassed of; oh well. cheers for authenticity!)

all things new

2011-07-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a really strange summer. I feel outside of my skin most of the time, and while I normally like to have my "feelers" out, able to take a read on my emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being at any time, my personal thermometers seem to be on the fritz. So at any point of solitude, I feel as though I'm playing catch up with my soul.
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lollypops

2011-06-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

Last night was one of those amazingly starry nights, with warm summer wind and good friends. My neighbor Anne has an iPod app that you can point at the stars and it identifies constellations, so we found Hercules and Corona Borealis! Gwen's star is in between the two, by Hercules' nose. It was fun moment to see her star, and I was thankful that the constellations were visible from my front yard, at a normal stargazing time of night.
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at all times

2011-06-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

I used to keep this quote by Francis Chan by the front door: "The decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit, right now, in today's decisions."

Today I was reminded that faithfulness, obedience, and contentedness in response to chaos, hurt, and disappointments are not made during crisis. They're made in the everyday moments.
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call to action

2011-06-11T14:39:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, Facebook can be helpful. I'm not good at keeping up with world/state/local news, so in my case, it can be extremely helpful. Kristen, a friend of mine, posted about www.findmadeline.com. It's the story of Madeline, a (now) 8 year old girl who was abducted in 2007. Her family has spent the last FOUR YEARS looking for their daughter, trying to raise awareness, trying to find leads, trying to remind the rest of the world that precious sons and daughters are taken every day.
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a new canvas

2011-06-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

Before Gwen was born, I started writing her letters. Not very many... less than I wish. But I cataloged the pregnancy with her, and told her about our life in progress, waiting for her arrival. Since she's been in Heaven, I've kept up with writing her. I have this idea that just maybe God reads her my thoughts, and when I see her again she'll understand me a little better for it.
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submit

2011-05-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

I work for a christian camp, Camp Eagle, who's mission is to "Inspire Christlike change through outdoor adventure, authentic relationships, and Biblical truth." This really is the motivating factor in all that we do, and in the counselors that we hire. We want counselors who love God, love kids, and love adventure. The activities, group initiatives, and experiences that we plan and facilitate are sprung from this mission statement.
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a snapshot

2011-05-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

so i'm taking five minutes to update you on the last five days of staff training:

1. We have 16 staff - 7 girls, 9 boys. that is SOOOOOO many! at least, it seems like it is. But that barely covers the quantity of campers that will be here each week of summer. I like them all. They're quirky, talkative, quick to do things and with a good attitude. (ps. i originally posted "7 girls, 8 boys" and then realized that my math is wrong and i forgot a boy. we have nine...whoops!)
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the outer fringe

2011-05-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Hope Moms today, and wanted to share with all of you who had prayed for my Mother's Day:

Earlier last week I had asked the Lord for something unique for Mother's Day, something only He could give. Yesterday morning I was praying for a God-perspective, because mine looked bleak and discouraging, and I was definitely on the fast track to an embittered Mother's Day.

letter #4

2011-05-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

Hi sweetheart.

Do you know that there's not a holiday about children? At least, I don't think that there is. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. But what does tomorrow mean for me without you? It means sympathy hugs, instead of laughter and shared anecdotes. It means awkward looks instead of smiles. It means a quiet house, instead of breakfast in bed with a six and a half month old baby. It means lots of tears, and not all of them worth crying.
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exile

2011-05-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

The feeling of "being out of it" is something I can't seem to shake.

Even though I have recognized that I have a "new normal" - well, it's not normal yet. I keep waking up, assuming that today I'll feel put together. Today I'll be able to handle camp, Hope Mommies, dishes, and laundry. Today I'll be able to actually listen and emotionally invest in my husband, my friends, family, and LP's. Today I'll feel like all the bases are covered, my house is delightfully clean, my relationships are just where they should be, and I'm at peace and enjoying life.

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a new anthem

2011-04-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

i found a new theme song for this scene in my life.

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missing you.

2011-04-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

I really have extraordinary nieces. Each of them is so unique, and with a completely different personality. Brynn is just hilarious. She has a HUGE heart, communicates constantly, always wants to be included, kindof a space cadet, but very intuitive and observant of people. Debi told me a story about her from when she was 3 that has stuck with me:
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Easter (+ 1 day)

2011-04-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

This past week brought many visitors out to Camp Eagle/Home - both of Blair's grandparents came for a visit (drove all the way from Wisconsin!), and my parents came out for the weekend to celebrate their 35th anniversary.

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to wait.

2011-04-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

i've been on the run this week. I haven't wanted to let six months be a big deal, so i've stayed busy and have had shallow quiet times. I have found that evasion does not work; your thoughts will find you, no matter how hard you try. here's a bird's eye view of my thoughts this week:
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blunt.

2011-04-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

it's my daughter's 6 month birthday and my 3 year anniversary with my husband today, so this is not the post that you would typically expect for such a day. But today.
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drafts

2011-04-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

This week held interesting moments for me.

On Wednesday night I sobbed on my porch, remembering how happy I was 6 months prior. It was the eve of my due date, and although I had not had any contractions, how can you not be excited that the day you've been waiting for has finally arrived? Remembering the happiness is too much for me. How could I have been so blissfully unaware?
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house of cards

2011-04-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

As I've said before, I love C.S. Lewis. Earlier yesterday afternoon, I realized that I had never listened to one of his broadcasts (I was assuming something existed, somewhere, with his voice.) So I found a YouTube video last night, and sat there smiling like a goofball, hearing one of my heroes go on about "prayrr".

I've felt in a funk all week. I've been tired and overwhelmed, and tired of being overwhelmed. I've entertained "crazy" ideas... ideas of running away, hopping a plane, starting over, medication, car wrecks... wednesday was not a healthy day for me. (My husband is amazing though, and redeemed the day by setting out notes of encouragement all over the house, reminding me that it's okay and i'm safe to be myself here.) All week I've felt in a wash of self-pity, jumbling around with discouragement, disappointment, unmet expectations, and bruised pride.
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a kitchen floor kind of day.

2011-04-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

You know it's a bad day when you cry on the kitchen floor.

I woke up today, somehow knowing it would be a tender one. My premonition proved true: I took a nap this afternoon to try and dispel the gloom; I woke up in a daze and wandered to her memory box, crying for awhile over the smell of her. Then I wandered to the living room; I cried for awhile over her first photos. I sat on the kitchen floor; crying for awhile over the enemy of Death, and crying out for the Lord Jesus to return quickly.
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terrariums are good for the soul.

2011-03-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

So far today I've accomplished:

1. breakfast! (unusual.)
2. prayer meeting at work. (convicting.)
3. gardening! (also unusual.)
4. iced coffee! (delicious.)

I'm a big fan of terrariums. I've only ever had one before now, mind you. But I've always liked them - it's contained chaos, which is pretty cool. This morning I planted three, once i realized i had the right ingredients. Hopefully lavender, dill, and columbine will start sprouting soon.
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what next?

2011-03-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's monday morning, and I'm back to my usual routine: coffee, pajamas, quiet time, and blogging. Yesterday I ran the half marathon in dallas. It was ... an experience? To run with so many (15,000 to be exact), all running for various reasons and causes, cheered on by so many family and friends. There was a very cool moment when we were all silent, listening and humming the national anthem. It made me thrill at the thought of thousands upon thousands singing in Heaven, all united in the single purpose of glorifying our Redeemer.
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facing the storm

2011-03-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

i've taken a morning "off", so to speak. "Off from what?" you ask? I have a to-do list a mile long for personal, work, and HM tasks that need to be accomplished. But last night I sat on my bathroom floor for an hour, praying and thinking about my current roles and how to keep them all afloat. (I did not reach a solution, in case you were wondering.) But i did doodle all over my washing machine as i processed.

finally.

2011-03-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Blair proposed to me at sunrise on November 10, 2007. It was the weekend of my 24th birthday, and he had surprised me with a trip to the Schmidt's for the "girlfriend weekend" and going to an apple orchard. I thought that he would propose at the orchard, so when he came into my room at 5:45am saying, "Sweetheart! Come watch the sunrise with me! I have coffee and a blanket..." I definitely did not see a proposal coming. I scrambled into a pair of jeans and sweater, threw my hair into a clip, and managed to slip in contacts before heading out into the freezing Wisconsin air. We sat on a swing, talking about who knows what and sipping scalding hot coffee before he said the words that changed everything: "I want today to mark the beginning of our new life together. Erin, will you marry me?" (at least, i think that's how it went; i'm pretty sure shock set in and i might've screamed? i did communicate "yes" in some form or fashion.)

He slipped this amazing ring on my finger - a design that i had seen and liked, but he went above and beyond the one i saw and had a jeweler custom make this ring. A few minutes later, i saw camera flashes behind me and looked back to see Miss Laurie and Maggie grinning and snapping pictures. (It's then that i regretted my clothing and hair style choice for the morning.)

We were married five months later, on April 18, 2008. We both had our wedding rings made by the same jeweler who made my engagement ring. Blair's ring is a solid white gold with my name, Erin Leigh, engraved on the top. He told me that he wanted the world to know who he was spending the rest of his life with. My wedding band is a simple rope design, with the words "To Be Holy" engraved on the inside. I wanted to remind myself that marriage was more than the sum of dreams and pursuit of happiness - it was a reverent call to be holy, to be made more and more into the likeness of Christ, who loves us and gave himself for us. I am called to follow the leading of Jesus and serve Blair sacrificially, with joy.

About halfway through my pregnancy, I had to remove the rings. I tell you, it was a sad day when pregnancy fat worked it's way into my fingertips. After I had Gwen, I had hoped that the swelling would go down and I could put on my rings. After three months, I had to face the hard facts: it was not just water retention; my fingers were permanently fatter than before. I took them to get resized, and I finally picked them up today.

I've missed my rings. I forgot how pretty they really are. I have definitely missed the "I'm taken" signal they give off... not that I've been hit on or admired, by any stretch. But it just makes me feel good to know that if I was at any point, I could flash my ring finger as if to say, "That's right, buddy. Taken."

On the drive home, I reflected on what my rings mean - the single token that symbolizes my commitment to love, serve, cherish, admire, uphold, protect, and sacrificially love my spouse. I wish I could remember our vows that we made on April 18, 2008. I don't, and for some very annoying reason, I cannot seem to find the actual vows wherever they are lost in my house. But this I know - what we vowed that day has been lived out for every second of every minute of the last 2 years and 11 months, to the day. Imperfectly, yes. But I love him more today than I thought possible 3 years ago. And I've grown in my comprehension of the characteristics of Love. By the grace of God, our covenant of 2 years and 11 months stands -- without amendments, additions, or excuses.

Reflecting on my wedding day with Blair and our relationship caused me to think about Christ and His bride, the Church. And I created "vows" for Jesus, and what I believe He says to me:

"I will always protect you. I will serve you. I give my life for you. I will always forgive you. I will never hold on to anger with you. I will communicate with you. I will respond when you call. I will provide for you. I will comfort you. I will counsel you. I will create beauty in you. I will lead you. I will never fail you. Even when you fail me, hate me, question me, despise me, ignore me, hurt me - I will never leave you. I will never give up. Nothing can take you away from me. I will love you, unendingly."

Thank You for loving me incomprehensibly, for pursuing me when I was dead to you, pushing you away, rejecting and despising you. Thank you for covenanting with me, accomplishing what I could never do and creating a union that will never fade or be corrupted.

chapter 11

2011-03-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

I need to start tagging my posts... since i'm pretty sure that this journey is a spiral, and the things i say and conclusions i come to are cyclical.

I've been reading through John for my quiet times. The character of the Lord is so difficult for me to grasp, especially since Jesus' earthly ministry was jam-packed with miracle after miracle, which we don't always see today.

Some observations from John 11:

1) The sisters believed that on the basis of Jesus' love for Lazarus, he would come to them quickly and heal their brother. (11:3) Not an absurd belief at all - I do that every day. Because Blair loves me, I have certain expectations for his actions towards me. If i didn't believe that Blair's love translated to everyday realities, I would have a very low, disconnected view of our marriage and his affection for me. Jesus' love has implications in our day to day life. But i also have a narrow view of what His love for me should look like: I want His love for me to feel soft, to be easy, to always be about comforting me and giving me what I think I need. (there's an ugly, honest truth.)

2) Jesus is about the glory of God. (11:4) and not unfeelingly - He just sees a greater picture than we can see, and He does not stop at what would solely fulfill our emotional desires, but goes beyond that to meet both: the glory of God and the redemption of Man.

3) Jesus purposefully re-enters a city that's dangerous for Him. (11:7) He walks confidently into danger, persecution, reviling, because it is the will of God and He values God and His glory over Himself.

4) Jesus refers to physical death as sleep. (11:11) He sees it as a transient state - true death is separation from God for an eternity.

5) Jesus intimates that healing does not always lead to belief (11:15). I think Jesus rejected sensationalism, and didn't want a fan crowd that only followed Him because He did the miraculous. Jesus could've been present in Bethany and healed a very sick Lazarus. But He held back. Why? Because He wanted Martha, Mary, His disciples, and the crowd to know that He is the Resurrection and the Life.

(Here's where i'm pausing in my study.) Would I have simply given glory to God if He had healed Gwen? Would my life had continued as it was, with her birth experience being just a hiccup and a scare? Would I have been changed? Would my desire to know God be fueled? Would my passion for others to have hope been recharged? Would I long for heaven?

and what about Gwen? Did Jesus in His love for Gwen keep her where she is??? Because He sees Heaven, knows how much better it is than anything the world could offer... than I could offer, and wants that for her? Did the dead who rose in the Bible times really enjoy being brought back into this life? Did they not feel cheated out of paradise for the time being?

Just food for my thoughts.

Running Purposefully

2011-03-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

"So I do not run aimlessly..." is Paul's concluding sentence in his argument for his strenuous efforts for the promotion of the gospel. (see 1 Corinthians 9:26)

I have to say, I run aimlessly a lot. Or my aim is for very small, inconsequential things, such as getting rid of pregnancy fat and adding extra endorphins into my system. I started running after Christmas, and set my sights on doing thirteen miles in the Dallas Rock and Roll Half Marathon on March 27.

(Yes, that's right. March 27. That's fifteen days away.)

I've hesitated on asking for sponsors and running for a cause. So many of my good friends, some of them running with me, are already running for great organizations. So instead, I decided to stick my neck out there and run my little heart out for no glorified purpose (heavy sarcasm).

I don't want to run aimlessly. I don't want my efforts, whether they be physical, emotional, spiritual - to be aimless or without a divine, eternal purpose. Who, in their right mind, strives for things that fade? So in fifteen days, I will run for what I believe is imperative for all women - the hope of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, through the vehicle of Hope Mommies.

I'm actually pretty excited about this now, since I want to make a shirt that will get the 10,000 poor souls running with me to think as they go flying by.

I haven't set a financial goal. I'm nervous. okay, mostly i'm faithless. I don't want to set something too high, and be disappointed. But I don't want to be faithless either, and ask God for something that is "manageable" on human terms. I believe that God will, with funds or without, build Hope Mommies. It's definitely His mission, not my agenda.

But I invite you to participate with Him and us as we strive purposefully for His truth and hope to be known. Pledge whatever the Lord puts on your heart. Pray for Hope Mommies. Earnestly pray. and if you're in the Dallas area on March 27, come cheer us on, please. :) and if you're interested in pledging, shoot me an email at erin@hopemommies.org.

"I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings." 1 Corinthians 9:23

inhale

2011-03-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

i'm attempting to "simmer down" and breathe. i came home last night from a five day kayaking trip, slept wonderfully, awoke to the sound of my chickens squawking, and got to the busyness of my day. i'm on my ___ cup of coffee (number unknown), and my scattered thoughts range from the smell of basil in my house, to what the heck am i doing starting a non-profit, to summer camp t-shirts, laundry, my family coming down, and back around again.

(breathe.)

where am i really, God? I feel like i've been a little energizer bunny, going and going without knowing how my heart is doing, with emotions bubbling under the surface but never having time to slow down and work through them. or even bring them out to acknowledge, "oh wow. look at that, i feel anxious because ____."

(breathe. collect.)

i had a meltdown in my kayak in the last 3 miles of our 60 mile trip. why, you ask? because God didn't change the wind (and a mound of reasons underneath that.) After a beautiful four days of kayaking, we had only a few more miles before arriving at the boat ramp. We were in the middle of a wide canyon, facing a headwind that i put 100% effort into and moved about 4 inches. irritation, to the max. I was by myself in my kayak, spaced out about a quarter mile between people, praying that the Lord of the Earth would stop the wind and waves. Or at least reverse it so it was a tailwind. But He did neither. So like the disciples, I started crying, "Don't you care???" (Mark 4:38)

Don't you care that I'm not moving at all? Don't you care that I have a hard time knowing You, pursuing You, trusting You? Don't you care that I'm trying really hard to stay faithful, and I don't feel like You're faithful to me? Don't you care that I feel lost? Alone? Discouraged? Overlooked? Overwhelmed? Don't You care about my heart? Why don't You care?"

(cue crying. and yelling in the wind.)

I pulled over to the side of the canyon and towed my boat behind me. I caught up to the group eventually. My mind replayed, "You don't care," a thousand times.

and i'm stuck, Lord, wrestling with what it means to earnestly seek You, believing that You will make yourself find-able. I have felt so unloved by You. I feel like You just keep telling me, "Press on! Persevere! Keep going!" without saying, "I love You sweetheart. I'm for you. I'm with you. I will protect you. I will keep you."

This morning in the shower I picked up the fight where we left off yesterday. (maybe it's a water thing.) and immediately You said, "I scream 'I love you!' from the cross." What more am I asking of you, really? Am i expecting you to make life a bundle of happiness, without any of the tribulation that you promised? Am i expecting you to rescue me from every challenging situation, or emotional or spiritual hurdle? That's not your style. You're about my growth. You're about me turning more and more into your own likeness, the likeness of your Son who died. for me. died. died. Do i even get that? (no.)

Lord, I'm sorry. I do want it easy. In so many ways, I feel like I deserve a free pass on the rest of life's disappointments and sorrows. and i'm an idiot, who looks in the mirror and immediately forgets what she looks like when she walks away. You do answer. You do restore. You do love me. I just forget, God.

(breathe. rest. walk.)

Nueces Trail Run

2011-03-05T09:22:00.001-08:00

well i raced a 10k trail run this morning! and you know what? i actually enjoyed it. i know. ME! i hate running! (and i still hold to that.) but somehow the trail run... or maybe it was the racing part? was enjoyable. Blair got first place overall! and I got 5th place in the women's category, out of 27 women. so i'm good with that. :) perhaps now the 1/2 marathon won't be too daunting??

Surprisingly, around the 4th mile i had this song spring in my head, replaying over and over while running. i'm pretty sure it was buried deep somewhere in my psyche, since it definitely isn't part of my normal repertoire. :) enjoy!

lessons from my girl

2011-03-04T07:21:00.000-08:00

Hi sweetheart.

it's a friday, and i'm hiding out in the house for the morning. It's been a busy, hectic week and I'm craving solitude and time alone with Jesus.

I miss you, sweetheart. I'm assuming that you know that by now, but in case you forget or think that i'll just tag it on to the end of my letter as an afterthought - you're in every thought. i miss your presence at every moment. what i'm not experiencing with you is before me, at every time of the day.

this morning i had a sweet realization - your friend Mandy and i were writing, and i realized that how i speak with her is how i hope i'll speak with you someday. and with your siblings, if the Lord wills for us to have more children. she's ten years younger, but still my friend.

you make me love Jesus more, gwenny. I didn't know what it would be like to feel more love for Jesus, but you give me glimpses of what that looks like. I've read about people really in LOVE with Jesus and kindof thought they were crazy, or that that kind of passion is so heavenly that I won't feel it until I get there. But knowing how I love you has made loving Him more tangible. For example:

Your name is precious to me. I love to write it. I love seeing it. Putting your name on something gives it more value to me (my necklaces, your scrapbook, etc.) If anyone were to use it casually, or treat it irreverently, i would definitely sin in some way (curse them, slap them, murder them in my heart...). And not because your name is some powerful word on it's own (even though it is beautiful), but because it's yours. it's what i call you. and YOU are my precious daughter.

Jesus' name means more to me now. I want to love His name the way I love yours. I want to be offended when people use it casually. I am learning more and more what it means to pray in the name of Jesus - to pray what I think He wants, what is His will, what will glorify Him. I would never casually tack your name onto my grocery list of needs - why should I do that with His? If I were representing you, I would make sure that I what I was pleading for was pure, right, and holy; making you not ashamed to be called my daughter.

You're on my mind, ALL the time. Like C.S. Lewis wrote, "Your absence is the sky, spread over everything." and some days the sky is overcast, and some days it is bright blue, full of hope and laughter. but missing you eclipses every moment.

Having you always on my mind has made me aware of two things: one, praying ceaselessly IS possible. I now know what it feels like to be in constant communion and meditation. and two, Jesus is over all. He's in everything, every moment, Lord of every situation, conversation, decision. Like i told you in the hospital, He created everything - everything is by Him, for Him, and held together in Him. I understand His nearness and involved-ness in a new way.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to long for the Lord, gwendolyn. You are my precious daughter, and I am blessed and humbled to be your mom. I'm eagerly awaiting the day when I get to hold you again.

Love you deeply, more than you'll ever know.

Mom

heirs of the earth

2011-03-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

This morning i decided to use a devotional book as a supplement to my quiet time, to kick start me back into study since i've been coasting the past week or so. I have a devotional by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that works through the Psalms, so I opened up to the next one in queue: Psalm 51, David's famous "forgive me" psalm after his affair with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah.

And immediately I thought, "oh rats. I was hoping for a better one; this doesn't apply to me." (warning sirens should've sounded in my brain, but they didn't.)

So as I'm working through it, the Lord began to highlight things in me, ugly things that I wish weren't a part of my processing:

1. The "why me?" victim mentality I've frequently entertained since Gwendolyn died,
2. The audacity and pride that I've held before the Lord; "Sin isn't my issue; your will is."

Why not me? Why not me, out of the 15 other pregnant women I knew in 2010? Why am I anything different, that I "deserve" a healthy, happy daughter? Why do i elevate myself above pregnant teens, neglectful parents, abusive parents, parents on drugs?

Have I made wise decisions, preparing me for motherhood?
yes, by the grace of God.

Did I enjoy a healthy, drug free pregnancy?
yes, by the grace of God.

Will I ever hurt or neglect my children?
no, by the grace of God.

My ability to be a better mom is not my own doing; it is by the grace of God. And while it is so difficult for me to swallow that the Lord gives precious babies to irresponsible women, and not to me - it's not for me to decide. it's not for me to point my finger, to elevate myself, to decide who is deserving and who is not. How can I know what God is doing in that woman's life? perhaps that baby is His redemption.

And what am i deserving of? An eternity of suffering - an endless October 20th. But by the grace of God, I am what I am: saved. forgiven. redeemed. chosen. blessed. hopeful.

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping...

2011-02-28T12:47:00.000-08:00

"oh home, let me come home! home is whenever I'm with you! Oh home, yes I am home, home is when I'm alone with you!"

Those are the words to the chorus of a song by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes, and it's a quirky but quickly annoying song, so i didn't link to it. :) But I've had it weaving through my thoughts yesterday and today, as I've finally settled back in to home and am reorienting myself to a normal schedule.

For those of who you didn't know, the past month has been busy with traveling -

February 4-6: Hope Mommies Retreat in Brady, TX
February 11-12: Austin for the Sparks/Saenz wedding extravaganza
February 14: Blair left for marketing in San Marcos
February 15 - 20: I went to Dallas/Denton to see family
February 21 - 23: Blair and I both drove to Tyler (separately) for a CCCA Conference
February 24: Home for a day! Laundry. lots of it.
February 25-27: Family Camp with Kerrville Bible Church
February 27: Left Family Camp, drove to San Antonio for a Camp Fair
February 28: Home! (oh home, yes i am home...)

It's been a long month. And in my old age I'm getting very used to my homebody schedule, and feel "out of it" whenever I am not able to wake up in my own bed, brew my starbucks coffee, sit in my pajamas all day long, working from my couch for Camp Eagle and Hope Mommies.

I haven't had adequate time with the Lord and in His Word in the last two weeks, so I don't feel like I have any deep well to draw from to sum up or expand on any emotional diatribes I've had in the month of February. It's just been one of those missing months, where I know I was busy but i'm not always sure with what, and how well I did whatever it is that I was supposed to do.

So on to March!

somewhere in the middle of this

2011-02-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

** I wrote this yesterday, but didn't finish, but wanted to post anyway. so here. :) **

----------------------------------------------

so worship is hard for me, right? (and by worship i mean, the beginning music set at a christian church service.) music is emotional words put to song, and christian music is emotional words, founded on truth, directed to the God of the universe. and it's just really unfortunate for me that music is always the beginning of a church service, because i'm usually a wreck by the 3rd line of the first song, and i start to check out because being in His presence is just too much for me. so by the time the sermon comes along i have a difficult time pulling back together and concentrating. I think i miss a lot of good sermons now because my brain is so blurred.

last night i went with Autumn and Justin to the Upper Room community in Dallas.

So i was raised fairly conservative, and this group is just so NOT conservative that it's a little unnerving. But last night i started to wonder if they are the group that has the courage to shout what we only whisper, to proclaim what we only hope for. (maybe. and maybe we're all wrong and in heaven we'll laugh at our elementary worship of God on earth.)

I know that everything I do, see, hear, or experience is filtered through the lens of disappointment, and great sorrow, and the weight of the knowledge of a Long-Suffering God. And it's difficult for me to be with so much joyful happiness when I am not in that place. And it's challenging for me to put a reign on cynicism, and not think, "Yes, but..." all the time.

to MJ, BG, LJ, AF; F T

2011-02-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

so the problem is that my brain doesn't wind down until 11:30 or so at night. that's when i can finally consolidate all my millions of thoughts into a blog post. the downside of this is that i don't get to sleep before midnight very often... at least not on my own. blair goes to bed early these days, so i usually go to bed with him, and lay awake for a couple hours. but since we're in different cities this week, i've had no one to remind me to get my butt in bed and off the computer. (miss you, handsome.)

i spent time with my nieces today. they are hilarious. we painted toes and fingers, and spent about a half hour playing with the photobooth application on my macbook. i don't have much to say, except that i've noticed a trend: good days follow hard ones, if i let them.

merit on the left, working the comic book effect
(correction, that would be the right... i only realized this after autumn told me i was wrong... geez. that whole left/right thing is a real challenge.)

blonde brynn takes the spotlight

funny faces are obviously so much more fun than smiley ones

went for a rollercoaster ride

blurry, but i got all THREE to smile. and look in the general direction of the camera. yes, be impressed.

leila was completely creeped out by this, but the other girls thought it was hilarious.

i'm thankful for my four beautiful nieces. they delight my heart.

ps. if you're wondering about my blog title, it translates: "to merit jane, brynn grace, leila joy, aidah faith. from tante." (tante would be me. and all the initials are how the girls address and sign their letters. UH-dorable.)

a million places

2011-02-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

My sister Autumn and her husband Justin live in a swanky old apartment building in downtown dallas. It's similar to my apartment that i had in chicago - hardwood floors, multiple paint layers on the door jams, well worn creaks. [as a side note, every time i've stayed with them i've gotten stuck in their bathroom. you can't close the door all the way due to the door jam sticking, and I inevitably forget that each time i've visited, and reach the point of crying at 3am because i can't get out. i have thankfully avoided this dilemma this time around. (house=4, erin=1)]

Being with Autumn has been refreshing for my soul. good sisters have a way of doing that, i think. I miss Blair. I wish I were with him. and at home. And i've been reminded that I'm not fully present anywhere, all the time. My mind was a million different places today. I went for a walk in the Dallas Arboretum, determined to do some listening to God rather than all the talking. Amidst the magnolia trees and gravel pathways, this is what I observed and heard:

"I am glorified in all my creation."

"I bring forth the flowers in their right time."

Beauty will spring from the dead, frozen earth.

"I will restore joy."

One day you will bring your children here, and reflect on the day when you were sitting here alone, missing your child.

"To him who has no might He increases strength."

I want to elaborate on His reminder that He restores joy. At one end of the Arboretum is a huge grassy slope that overlooks White Rock Lake. When I was about 10, my family went for a picnic to the gardens, and I remember Autumn and I rolling down this hill along with a bunch of other kids. At the bottom of the hill after a breathless roll, a boy came up to us and announced, "This is my game. I made it up!" And i remember my sister giving him a mouthful about how he did NOT make up rolling down hills. I'm not sure why this particular memory has stuck in my head all these years, but it did.

Today I laid in the grass on the hill (which was awesome, let me tell you. grass is non-existent in the hill country) and asked the Lord, "What is it that you want me to hear from You, God? I want to hear You." And I opened my Bible to Isaiah 40:6-8:

A voice says "Cry!"
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
when the breath of the LORD blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.

After reading, I laid back down to contemplate the meaning of this word at this exact moment in my life, when i heard laughter behind me. I turned around to see a small girl with curly hair and her big brother rolling down the hill. The moment was so precious to me - that I would see a repeat of a picnic day from long ago.

Even now as I contemplate on this, I see Isaiah's words blooming into meaning: Things repeat. Sorrow increases and replays. but Joy is better, stronger, and eternal. It repeats. We're just people, and we will see the same habits and stories and sorrows and joys replay in every person's life; it just fleshes out in alternate ways. but the word of the Lord stands forever.

What is the word of the Lord? It is Jesus. He stands forever. He will never change. He will always be true to His character, His actions will always proceed from it. He does not act one way toward me that He will not do for another. He is not like us, with our masquerading faces. He will show compassion, because He is the definition of Compassion. He will heal, because He is the Healer - He cannot act in a way that is contrary to His nature. He is unendingly Himself. It is not that I need Him to be compassionate, or healing, or faithful, or loving. It is that I need to have eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart that is receptive to His person. When He is fully present, I will be knocked off my feet, and overflowing in every aspect of my life.

Oh how I long for the fullness of Your presence! Give me eyes to see, Lord.

2.14.11

2011-02-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

Oh Gwen.

I had plans for another post, but with Kelly's song playing in the background and Paige's recent post, the images of you laying in your NICU bed have rushed to the front of my mind and i sit, missing you.

oh baby, does God give you my letters? does He let you see me and your daddy, here missing you? does He show you what He's doing?

oh dear. here i am alone at the house, and having a breakdown like i haven't had in awhile. i've kept busy with work and hope mommies, and it's shoved my sadness into darker corners, waiting for an opening to take the limelight of my concentration.

gwen i miss you. i miss being pregnant with you. i'm envious of every young mother i see. i want to show you off. i want to see you discover your hands and how your wrists can move. i'm missing your infancy, and i'm jealous of the angels and saints. i have a week where i stay fairly busy, and have only cried a little each day, and i think, "maybe it'll work to keep going," and then in rushes you, the memory of your fuzzy head and how hopeful i was in the hospital, "maybe... maybe i will see her and her heart will have improved...maybe her kidneys will have started to work... maybe, maybe..." remembering the hope is painful. i physically ache to feel you, gwendolyn.

it's valentines day, sweetheart. although that doesn't mean very much to me, really... holidays come and go and i usually don't remember what day it is anyway. but if you were here, i'm sure i would've dressed you up in something obnoxiously pink and red, taking pictures of blair and me kissing your chubby cheeks to send out as our valentines day card.

oh sweetheart. your mom is now armed with a box of kleenex and listening to just about every depressing song that exists, so i will not drag this out. i love you. i miss you. endlessly.
happy valentine's day, sweetheart.

what in the world.

2011-02-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

seriously, only God.

Over the last four months, I've had a continuous thought: "I don't know how people who don't know the Lord get through death, especially death of their long awaited infant." And since then, the Lord has burdened my heart to share the hope that I still hold on to, even (almost) four months after my gwenny's death.

First, let me just lay my hope out there: I believe that I am a sinner, and that there's no possible way for me to get around that. Imagining God doesn't exist doesn't get me around that. Doing good things doesn't even out the score. Pretending like it's all fine and "I'll worry about that later," doesn't get me around that. The great thing is that I don't have to. I believe that God exists, that He loves me and all mankind, and out of His complete mercy, He sent HIS SON to die a torturous death on the cross, to cover my sin. and then God raised Him from the dead, bringing the offer of salvation to the table and showing the world who's Boss.

What am I supposed to do in response to this knowledge? Accept. Trust. Repent. Turn away from sin and self. Hope for the future, walk in the Spirit, and be obedient to His words. And because I have believed that Jesus Christ is Lord and died for my sins, I know I will live forever. In perfection. with my daughter. because I believe that all infants that fall asleep in this world wake up in paradise.

and that is my hope. that Gwendolyn's death is not a forever thing. it's a "only as long i shall live" thing. and then it's on to perfection! crazy.

Knowing that God is bigger than death and that He has saved me enables me not to despair. and enables me to live each day - still - with joy, knowing that perfection is coming.

So, that's my hope. and that is what many people don't have. And i cannot - CANNOT - ignore that any longer. Gwendolyn's death has given me a greater sense of urgency for people to know the Lord, and i'm thankful for that. and as a result, Hope Mommies is beginning.

Hope Mommies is actually just this grand idea, really. I want it to be a website for infant loss, since there isn't very much out there that i've found to be helpful or truthful. I want it to be a way to build community among Hope Moms, so that they can know they are not alone. I want a prayer team that faithfully upholds each Hope Family in prayer. I want to be able to financially help families who cannot cover medical or funeral expenses. I want to give each new Mom a gift basket with good books, tea, kleenex, and gift cards so they can dine out/order in, or pay for a cleaning service. I want to designate teams of people who are willing to tangibly serve these moms by making meals, cleaning their houses, watching their kids, doing laundry. I want to have bible studies for them to download and do on their own, as they wrestle with topics like, "the Goodness of God" and "Heaven" and "Anger" and "What Now?". I want them to be able to buy a t-shirt that tells their story. I want a lot of things for this, actually.

But mostly i just want God to be glorified in my life and blair's and gwenny's. and for moms to know that they are not alone, and that God loves them more than they could ever, ever imagine. and that He will bring beauty from ashes, if they allow Him to.

so stay tuned to Hope Mommies for more details. :)

Thank You Lord, for doing something so beautiful in this broken vessel. It's your beauty leaking through. Please tell my Gwenny that I love her, that I cannot wait to see her, and that I am so thankful for her in my life... she is making me a better mom than i could've ever hoped for.

yes, i know this is my 4th post in one day

2011-02-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

it's taken me a long time to change my facebook picture. maybe such a small thing shouldn't have held so much meaning, but it has. since gwendolyn died almost 4 months ago, i haven't wanted to change my photos from any of hers... i was afraid of looking "fine". I knew the picture would have to be something really fantastic to make me feel like it was okay to take gwenny's down.

this is my photo now. because this still holds the reminder of my gwendolyn, but even more, it is an ongoing proclamation of what her life is accomplishing. These are Hope Mommies.

post post script - my favorite part

2011-02-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

As i said earlier at the beginning of this story, my favorite part of the weekend was the end of it. I sat with eight other women on a rock in the middle of the San Saba river, pouring our hearts out before the Lord. I loved the closeness of the Holy Spirit to us in that moment. it was tangible. and cause praise to spring to our lips.

I drove home with a heart full of words to our Savior. I had such an intense drive home! I'm actually surprised i didn't get ticketed. I don't normally speed, but as i was praying i would forget to watch the odometer and found myself past 80mph more than once.

I was driving through Fredericksburg to Kerrville, and would pass Gwen's cemetery. I couldn't wait to stop and see her. I was anxious to tell her about the weekend, to thank God for how her sweet life is changing mine and countless others.

I stopped the car. I practically ran to her plot and fell on my knees. I sat there, kneeling over my daughter's body, kissing her headstone, with arms outstretched and voicing the highest praise i could imagine. And i kept saying, "Only YOU! Only You could cause a woman to kneel over her baby's decaying body, declaring Redemption and Hope. Only You can cause brightness and beauty to spring forth from ashes and desolation. What satan had thought would forever cause me to despair has created a greater, more fulfilling joy than i ever imagined. Only You!"

And i knew then that dark days were still ahead. i would still doubt, still be sad, still cry, still mourn the loss of my motherhood and what our family was meant to be. but God is gracious enough to walk through those moments with me. and while I may not always be at peace enough to praise Him from the foot of my daughter's grave, I was that day. and I now have that picture permanently sketched in my mind, and I know that He can and will bring me to that peace again.

"For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever." Psalm 16:10-11, NLT

post script

2011-02-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

the enemy's attempts at destroying this weekend were so evident to me.

first, the weather. how often does Texas have freezing "arctic blasts" in a winter??? not very often, let me tell you. The weather changed whitney's flight, and almost prohibited chelsea from coming from dallas.

--- one good thing about the cold weather is that it hopefully prohibited trafficking and prostitution from coming to dallas for the super bowl! praise the Lord.

second, envy was high on my personal list of attacks this weekend. i was surrounded by beautiful, fashionable women! and i live at a camp, in t-shirts and jeans and no make up! "auggghhh!" my materialistic side wailed. the Lord reminded me ceaselessly this weekend not to take stock in my personal appearance, to be myself, and to know that that is enough. I am loved.

weekend recap

2011-02-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

oh my goodness. well i just have no idea how to communicate the things felt/experienced/learned from this weekend. and i really want to start blogging with my favorite part, but that came at the end of the weekend, so i should just save it and build suspense.

this past weekend 10 of us Hope Mommies traveled to Brady, Texas to spend a weekend together -- sharing our stories, crying, laughing, and finding comfort in the One who brings Hope to such dismal circumstances. to be honest with you, i had no idea what to expect of this weekend. and i actually thought that the whole thing was pretty weird (still do, kind of.) i mean, who travels to nowhere texas to meet up with women who's blogs you have read?? it's weird. i've never done such a thing before. but, i've never had a reason to do this before either. so, travel to Brady i did.

as i drove, i prayed that the Lord would show up in a big way and bring comfort and healing and laughter. (and He did.) i actually passed the entrance to the ranch the first time around, because i was talking on the phone. so i made a u-turn and continued searching for the entrance, then came to a screeching halt (not the brightest idea on a busy road) when i saw a huge, ginormous Hope Mommies banner! i think my first words were, "Tisha! she's so crazy." (crazy in a good way, Tish. :) )

The ranch house was beautiful. Set over the San Saba River, it had a beautiful porch, fireplaces, tons of room, comfy couches. The driveway was also nice and smooth, which was good since i had a long run planned for saturday.

The girls started arriving around 5pm, and it was almost like first date awkwardness... but better. :) knowing so much about each other's hearts made it seem weird to start from the inside out, learning about the little things... if/how each person likes their coffee, their hobbies, how old they are, where they went to school, etc. but by the end of the night i think we all had relaxed into a comfortable rhythm of relating to one another. Friday night a musical group came out to entertain us and lead us in worship music, and i loved sitting next to Kelly and hearing her beautiful voice harmonize when we sang I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin.

We stayed up til 2am talking!! I'm fairly confident that i have not done that since college. Sarah and I shared a room, and i appreciated that she agreed with me that this whole thing was kindof weird. glad to have a kindred spirit. ;)

Saturday morning i awoke bright and early... literally bright, since our window faced the east and had no blinds or curtains. :) Thankfully we were stocked up on coffee, and our morning started slowly as each woman meandered out. A sweet woman named Lindsey came to share with us and I appreciated her words, specifically how the soil in the midst of our valley is fertile, ready to receive our tears and bear fruit of righteousness, hope, and faith if we allow God to grow it in us.

Saturday afternoon consisted of talking together, calling our husbands individually, taking photos with the amazing Shuffields, and going for a run (6.4 miles! amazing. i've never run so far in my whole life!). Saturday night was a delicious dinner, loads more of talking, sharing the vision of Hope Mommies (more on that later), smores, wine, LAUGHING, taking silly pictures with the girls, talking. another late night - 2am! seriously. you women are amazing that you can stay up so late. :) i think since Gwen i've become a sleep hoarder.

Sunday morning was sweet, with more coffee, a bit of a quiet time, saying goodbye to Mary Beth, listening to Tina, and having a letter and gift from my prayer warrior. Tisha had asked specific women to uphold the 10 of us in prayer for the past 30 days, then write us a letter. My warrior gave me a a willow tree angel - the angel of hope - who holds out a candle in the darkness. Perfect reminder of what i have because of our Savior - light in a dark world of suffering and doubt.

Sunday I packed up, and before we left we took a few more photos down by the river, and sat on a rock and praised the Lord with prayer. This was my favorite part, and will have it's own blog post. :) Then i drove back to kerrville to watch the super bowl game with my wonderful husband.

And it was a fantastic weekend. full of more than i could've imagined. and less weird than i thought. :)

thankfulness

2011-02-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

is welling up in me.

This weekend was such a tremendous blessing, and i am so thankful to the Lord for His orchestration of the entire thing. I love my sweet new friends. I love their babies. and I love our Jesus, for giving us hope.

I have more to write about, but i am so tired (10 hours of sleep tops the last two days!) and need to debrief this weekend with the Lord.

But thank you for praying for us this weekend. I know that countless saints were lifting us up, and I want to say thank you, and know that your prayers were heard and abundantly answered. Praise be to our majestic Savior.

good night, sweet friends.

crying uncle

2011-02-02T03:17:00.000-08:00

"For in grief nothing 'stays put'. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?"

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

i've been so irritated with you, God.

and i've felt like i keep coming back to this place of surrender and ashes, that i wonder, "Haven't i learned anything at all?" But perhaps it's only wishful thinking that hopes that a decision once made, a bridge once crossed needs never to be crossed again. I would hope to never wrestle with the demon, "God is not good" ever again, but that's not the way it works. I come back to grappling with him, again and again, until I finally cry uncle.

I'm awake at 4 in the morning with these thoughts, and the unquenchable Spirit you've put in me repeating, "I surrender, I surrender..." And I do yield, Lord. I resist that you are, in fact, a paradox; a combination of good and uncertain, absent and faithful. I'd rather think that you are altogether pure and nothing evil can be done or allowed by you, or uncaring - wholly bent on your own will being executed and your glory attained.

You are both. And that is so very difficult for me to grasp.

I correct myself - You are not uncaring. Your caring is greater than what I want it to be. I would rather have Gwen than the shadow of the cross covering me. But that in itself it's own paradox - I will have Gwen again because of the cross.

I love C.S. Lewis. and how reading his books makes everyone think they can write as brilliantly as he did.

I've been irritated with you because what I know to be true and what I'm experiencing are different, and the only way of getting "even" with you (as if that were possible) seemed to be to ignore you and run away.

I appreciate that Lewis has felt the same: " I was getting from it the only pleasure a man in anguish can get; the pleasure of hitting back. It was really just Billingsgate -- mere abuse; 'telling God what I thought of Him.' And of course, as in all abusive language, 'what I thought' didn't mean what I thought true. Only what I thought would offend Him (and His worshippers) most. That sort of thing is never said without some pleasure. Gets it 'off your chest.' You feel better for a moment."

Haven't I already wrestled through this with you? Haven't I already decided, "No turning back"?? Why is this repeating itself?? And why, when even during my fits of false accusations (or true ones), I already know the answer, and know that I will eventually yield and trust? Does this mean that I'm a fool, never learning from past matches?

You are so bizarre, God. I arrive at last to the conclusion i've known all along, and what do i find waiting for me? Peace. bizarre.

I really just want you to tell me that you'll never do this to me again. and promise to give me other children. and remind me in tangible ways that I am loved by you, cared for, delighted in, adored. I want you to apologize, really. I want you to say you're sorry, and to make it right.

And perhaps as Blair suggested, you've been trying to do that very thing, but cannot comfort a writhing child, anxious to run away with her fingers plugged in her ears. but perhaps not.

"For I know whom I have believed," is my cry, Lord. I know your character, and though it's paradoxical, i know it can be trusted.

Oh Lord I believe! Help me in my unbelief. But oh God, tenderly, tenderly.

you take the 'mallow...

2011-01-28T07:25:00.000-08:00

so, God is so God to do something like this.

I think... no, i KNOW that He's radically changing my perspective about Heaven and my life here on Earth. and guys, i cannot even tell you how crazy this is for me. I was the girl, who though i was a believer and loved Jesus and was thankful that He saved me from an eternal death, was f-r-e-a-k-e-d out by the idea of Heaven, and an ETERNITY spent there.

freaked out. i even confessed this to my pastor and his wife while they were visiting us after gwenny's death, and i was extremely consoled that my pastor's wife also thinks its crazy to be somewhere for FOREVER (now i'm mentally picturing the Sandlot's kid saying, "forrr evvvv er....")

but seriously - i used to pray that God wouldn't allow me to die until i was a grandma. there was too much i wanted to do here on earth, i didn't want death and heaven and eternal glory to get in the way.

what a load of crap, you know? what a lie of satan to tell me that this Earth is the end all, and to dull the senses to things that are purely selfish and about getting the most of out of life that is humanly possible.

so i've been reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn, and i finished Safely Home, also by Randy Alcorn (a must read) and have been meditating on 1 Corinthians 15 and Isaiah 61. I love that the Word of God is transformational. and that reading and allowing the Truth -- that i am a sojourner here -- to affect me is altering my perspective on the few short years i have left.

"so why not?" has been the question in my mind as i contemplate new ministry opportunities, or the daily ministry that i find myself in with my community here at camp. why not get over myself, and invest all, give all, hope for all, pray for all?

and this definitely doesn't negate grief. but it softens it. it reminds me that Gwendolyn is real, and really waiting for me. It reminds me that I'll spend an eternity knowing, loving, laughing, playing, and worshipping with her.

so, today is starting out hopeful. we're going to Austin for the weekend for some work things, so i'll get to enjoy a run (hopefully) around Zilker park, and drink my favorite zebra mocha from Austin Java, and breathe in the goodness of Anthropologie (things that i love but are way too expensive.)

death and taxes

2011-01-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

i was going to have a productive day today... i was.

blair and i had a good morning together. we both had tea and quiet times. i was going to file our tax return, work on our personal budget, clean, go for a run, spend a few hours on retail, make something for dinner.

and so i started with our tax refund, since that usually doesn't take that long. and did you know that you can claim a deceased dependent? you can. i suppose i'd rather have our government acknowledge Gwen, as opposed to glossing over her life as if it didn't happen, but still. i'm not supposed to have to wonder how to do this. or how to get her SSN, since she wasn't issued one. and how to file for her since i don't have her SSN or birth certificate. so after calling H&R Block and crying, i decided i'll let them do all the work and hopefully they can figure it all out, using just her death certificate.

as a side note, i could've gotten her birth certificate, but when i called about it the young woman on the other line quietly informed me that it would have a giant red "DECEASED" stamp on it. so i declined. seriously though, is that necessary!? as if i didn't know. ridiculous policy.

okay. breathe. the day can be redeemed.

mmm, maybe.

warning: i'm in a weird mood.

2011-01-25T21:04:00.000-08:00

i'm the worst citizen in America. i didn't even realize there was a State of the Union address tonight. i treat my civil liberties nonchalantly, as if it were no big thing to have the freedom that i have. ugh. sometimes my ignorance and selfishness really irritates me.

my sweet friend danielle came to visit me for a few days. blair has been gone on a recruiting trip since sunday, so she came down to keep me company and help me with my back room. we packed up some of gwendolyn's things.

and yeah, i don't want to talk about that right now.

so, moving on...

(i've sat here for 5 minutes, thinking what topic i should "move on" to... and realizing there's not one, really. geez.)

M (danielle) and i went to Fredericksburg today. and for all of you christians in this middle of nowhere vicinity, you should know that there's a christian bookstore in Fredericksburg. smallish, but good selection of books and authors.

hmmm.... i feel that i have nothing important or impactful or helpful or informative to say. (i did just learn that spell check doesn't recognize impactful as a word. is it not a word?)

so i'm going to bed now.

yep.

in the presence

2011-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

this has kind of been an interesting week.

hard conversations, another melt down, a great time with the walkabout students, a true "farm experience" (more on that later.)

the last two days my thoughts have revolved around one idea - that God prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I keep waking up each day, hoping that i won't be overwhelmed with despair. that something will happen in that day that makes it worth it to keep waking up. (i know, that sounds super depressing. but i've decided that maybe i am super depressed, but it's not as bad as we make depression out to be.) and i've realized that sadness will not go away. it will be a consistent undercurrent to my daily life. i don't have to acknowledge it every day. and if i don't acknowledge it, it doesn't mean i love Gwen any less. or that she's not consistently on my mind or that i don't miss her. and what others think about me is not what matters. ( i get worried that they think i'm over it. or that i'm too upset. but that's not the point.)

so i've meditated on God preparing a table before me - providing for me, loving me, ministering to my needs - in the presence of my enemies - Self Pity, Doubt, Pride, Despair. So i may be in the presence of those things, but that doesn't mean that they have conquered me.

on the livelier side things, blair and i killed a chicken this week. it was terrible. we raise chickens for eggs, but we had a meat hen that we wanted to butcher, since she was getting picked on by the other hens anyway. and thankfully scott, our neighbor, came by and held the chicken down so i didn't have to anymore. but i'm now seriously contemplating removing chicken from my diet for awhile, since i can vividly picture it doing backflips without a head. seriously traumatizing...

also, last night i did an identity piece with the walkabout girls - college age girls who are here for a gap year program. it was so beautiful to see that the Lord is truly in the business of redeeming what has been broken, stolen, or spent. He is passionate about those girls (and me, and you) and is INTENT on us knowing His truth in our inmost being. and He will not stop until He has won over every part of us, even those things that are shameful and hidden, and has renounced the lies in which we view ourselves. I loved seeing Him at work last night. and selfishly, i think i really needed the reminder that God is here, at work, and has not forgotten to be merciful.

This quote has been drifting around in my brain this week:

"There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: "Mine!" -Abraham Kuyper

I believe He cries that over me now, that even in my sadness and the current thread of my daily living, he declares with confidence and power, "MINE!"

brevity

2011-01-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

my daily routine has dramatically changed in the last 12 weeks.

while i was pregnant, i would wake up multiple times in the night to use the restroom. i would usually wake by 5:30 or 6am, and stay awake while gwendolyn announced (with many kicks and pushes) that she too, was up and ready for the day. I would make breakfast for blair and myself, 75% of the time. I'd have a quiet time with a cup of tea before i got on the computer. i'd clean the house, organize her bedroom, finish projects before the upcoming birth. i usually needed a nap by 10am. i'd hang out with anne and boone, or walk down to camp to see the WA students. i made lunch and dinner with relish, enjoying easing in to my role as a stay at home mom.

now... well, now things are pretty different.

i wake up when blair kisses me goodbye for work, around 8am. i get up and put the tea kettle on, and after i finish the tea i put on a pot of coffee. i maybe have breakfast one morning out of the week. i check emails and facebook. i have a quiet time and journal when i feel that i can be in the Lord's presence with all of me. then i sit and read - a novel, a grief book, blogs. i try to do something productive in the afternoon - laundry. dishes. going for a run. rummaging in the fridge for something edible for dinner. blair and i usually watch a movie or play a game or read our books at night. he goes to bed early now, and i stay awake. and the day repeats.

this morning i was reminded of two things:
suffering is universal. and it is possible to shine Light into the darkness, and the darkness will not prevail.

I found a blog about Katie, a 21 year old american woman who counted the cost and now lives in Uganda, and has 13 adopted girls. She is inspirational in her devotion and willingness to be used up.

I recently started reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, which is really a feat for me since i've always been nervous about eternity. Knowing that we won't be married in Heaven, i often tell Blair how sad that makes me since i love being married to him. (He doesn't seem to have the same emotion in return. :) ) but we now joke that since our marriage is temporary, we should make the most of it.

and reading Katie's blog, and looking at my Gwendolyn's picture this morning, i felt the urge to "make the most of it" - my life here on Earth... "Why not?" was the question echoing in my head concerning a new opportunity God has given me.

The more I read of Heaven and fully embrace the goodness awaiting us - the goodness my daughter is already experiencing - the less hold i have on these things here. and my spirit is uplifted.

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep... For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 16-18 (italics mine)

And so right now, sitting on my couch listening to pandora, i am encouraged at heart and rejoice (yeah, i actually rejoice!) that this is coming! how exciting. how wonderful to have hope. how wonderful that my daughter gets to rise first, and we will always be with the Lord. how short our time is until this becomes reality.

but here's the tricky part of life - in just a moment i am going to get off my couch, put on my running shoes and jog. then come home and make lunch. clean the house. work for a few hours. spend time with scott and anne. and carry on with the day to day business of life. and when the dailyness of life comes back, i am hit again with what i don't have right now - a baby, a home full of laughter, an unbroken heart. and it's with the dailyness of life that i despair, and miss my gwenny. and what my life was supposed to be.

so. somehow i need to keep Heaven before me, allow for mourning (which is right to do), be motivated by the brevity of life, and still make an impact for eternity in the day to day. hmm. daunting. possible?

"May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! May he send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion! May he remember all your offerings and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices! May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners! Now i know that the LORD saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O LORD, save the king! May he answer us when we call." Psalm 20

on bad days...

2011-01-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

i am full of verbal vomit.
when some unsuspecting stranger asks me how i'm doing, a strangled, senseless response comes out and all of a sudden, i'm crying.
when people talk, i have the endless thought, "pay attention! pay attention! pay attention!" occurring in my brain... and five minutes later i ask myself, "what did they talk about?"
i cry when people look at me sympathetically.
i cry when they don't.
i cry at animated little girls in tutus and rain boots.
i worry that i'm going crazy.
or that i'm depressed.
i want to sleep forever.
my psychology classes are coming to haunt me with dumb diagnoses.
i'm more comfortable in front of this computer screen than my friend's faces, and that worries me.
i worry about blair being stuck with a mental wife.
i worry about blair and his grief.
grief seems to be getting worse.

mandi reminded me that there's no roadmap to grief - it is messy. no clean way of doing this.

today was a bad day.

a better country

2011-01-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

when i was a child i used to pretend quite a bit... one of my more eccentric pretends was to imagine life without one of the senses (touch, hearing, talking, sight, taste). the worst one for me was always blindness... i would close my eyes and stumble through my house, cursing when i'd stub my toes and thinking of how brave blind people must be to attempt to encounter a world that would always hold a surprise for them.

today i've felt a surge in compassion for the campers that we serve each summer. we often do a group development activity that involves blindfolding campers, teaching them to rely on their friends and to learn to trust. some are able to trust immediately, seeing this as a game and laughing about how they stumble about. others are frozen, and nothing can coax them out of their current position and inspire them to move.

i've felt "off" this past week. while on our trip, i was in survival mode, just trying to make it through each day until i got home. now i'm home, and i've felt emotionally stunted, blinded once again. i've felt disconnected from God, and irritated about it. He did take my child; the least He could do would be to stick with me through it all. and what am i to think about the promised Holy Spirit? isn't his role to comfort and counsel? so what the heck, God.

On December 28, the Lord whispered to me through Isaiah:
"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know; in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do; and I do not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

So where was this Guide? Did He leave me? Is He ignoring me? Am I too stubborn to get up and move? Where is the promised light before me?

I got my answer in another treasure hunt... combine John 1 with chapter 1 from Randy Alcorn's book on Heaven, plus Isaiah 42:16, and this is my conclusion:

I've been sitting in the dark, cupping my hands over my ears, trying to hold on to grief, hold on to Gwen, and block out anything that could further hurt me, be it friends or family or God. It's still dark. I am blinded by it, and blind to the glory of Heaven that is TRUE, and awaits those who put their trust in Christ. But Jesus has been standing by my side, patiently waiting, calling me to reach up and grasp His hand, and trust that He will lead me. He didn't say when He would turn the darkness before me into light. But He is the Light. He didn't say when He would bring me from this valley. But He promised to lead me through it. and His promises are sure.

"The blind must take by faith that there are stars in the sky. If they depend on their ability to see, they will conclude that there are no stars." (Heaven, pg. 13)

"We will one day be delivered from the blindness that separates us from the real world [Heaven]." (Heaven, pg. 13)

"In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:4-5

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one." Hebrews 11:13-16

If i see my Gwendolyn has having attained a home in that real country, and my short time here as preparation for such a place, will it make living without her, for now, endurable?

hmm. more to consider...

refusing

2011-01-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

so, i've felt this pull to move forward... maybe because it's a new year, or maybe because of being gone for three weeks threw me for a loop, or maybe because it's been 11.5 weeks since gwenny was born and it seems like other people are moving forward...

but i refuse. i'm just not okay, and i'm okay with being not okay. i think there will be a point when i know it's time to change my facebook photo, or box up her clothes, and take the crib and changing table down. but it's not that point today. and i don't envision it happening tomorrow either. or any time soon for that matter.

personally, i'm sure this is all in my head and i'm fabricating external pressure, and being a bit paranoid. but i need the stark reality of my gwendolyn to hit me again, because this slow slip, this medicated emotion, just sucks.

aidah faith

2011-01-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

i just uploaded photos of our trip to facebook, and i was reviewing the album of Aidah, my week old niece. i stopped short when i saw this photo:

this is exactly what i want. these are my nieces of course, and i love them to smithereens. but this is what i want, for me and for blair. i want children. and hopefully one day, i'll have children here on earth, and their big sister gwendolyn will be peeking over our Father's shoulder, looking at her brother or sister.

home.

2011-01-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

we're home.

after 18 days of travel, 3 family christmases, one wedding, my niece's birth, 5 different beds with varying shades of comfort... we are finally home. and i really love my home. it's a good one, with ginormously comfortable couches, a wide selection of teas, soft lighting, hundreds of books, and a delicious bath. and of course, our giant bed with a memory foam topper.

blair and i arrived around 5pm, and started the business of unpacking our adventure... laundry to do, christmas gifts to be sorted, groceries to put away, mail to read. now i have taken a bath, the tea kettle is warming, and i am settling in to digest our trip. expect that these snippets will have no particular order or flow:

we spent the first week in denton, with my family. christmas eve was rough... i definitely was the woman walking down the street, looking at christmas lights with wine glass in hand, yelling at the Lord and crying my eyes out. ( i did enjoy the rest of the night, and the time in denton as a whole.)

i think that i'm learning the hardness of God. He is completely Other; we prefer to think only of His soft or easy attributes, and regard anything that is difficult or harsh from Him as a punishment for wrong doing. I don't think that paradigm is biblical. For reasons I cannot comprehend, it seems that God allows and even arranges sorrow in our lives, regardless of our standing, effort, or obedience.

During our trip, we went to sheboygan, wisconsin for a wedding. Blair's "brother" Jeremy was getting married, and blair was a groomsman. Jeremy's sister Mandi, one of my best friends since i was 11 years old, has an seven month old daughter. His sister-in-law and my friend, Ashlee, has a 7 and a half week old daughter. Over the weekend the three of us were alone, spending the night in one room. And of course, it is unfair that i'm with them, they who have their daughters and I who am without mine. We all cried about it, and i appreciate their love for me and gwendolyn.

and then, the difficult Love of the Lord steps in. He, who gave me a choice - see this as half empty, as you without your gwendolyn, bereft, surrounded by women whom i have blessed with living children. or see this as my kindness to you- i have allowed you to be with those who love you, who grieve with you, who have daughters in the same year as yours, which you can choose to love and hold when your arms ache to be filled by gwenny.

and so i chose to enjoy my nieces, and hold them and cry and be thankful for the severe mercy of the Lord, that comforts and heals where it has wounded. thank you ashlee, mandi, debi and danielle, for sharing your daughters with me, and allowing me a few moments of motherhood with your precious girls.

during the wedding reception, jeremy and his bride put a twist on the traditional "ring the bell for a kiss" - they required that the guests would come to their table, perform a kiss, and then they would match or master it. very very cute idea, and sparked some hilarious performances. as i watched, i saw so many stages of life represented in kisses - married couples, innocent children, families, grandparents... and i wondered, "can your love withstand the death of a child? of a parent? of hopes and dreams, of your best laid plans? can it endure seasons of doubt, sorrow, wounds, busyness, joys, hectic schedules, the everydayness of life?" my prayer for those two is that they will know the deep, abiding faithfulness of our God, and relish in His character and His will, and prove to the world the glory of our God through a marriage well lived.

off to enjoy my magnificent bed, next to my wonderful husband, who walks through this season with me.

I will be your God throughout your lifetime—
until your hair is white with age.
I made you, and I will care for you.
I will carry you along and save you.
Isaiah 46:4

oiy.

2010-12-31T07:59:00.000-08:00

somebody please remind me to never take a three week trip again. especially not at christmas time. especially not when my daughter just died.

i'm sitting at the schmidt's house, watching the snow melt from the roof and listening to the guys debate over whether or not true love exists, and if we as humans can truly love another since only perfect love is in Christ.

i've started about three different posts on this trip, and haven't finished them. i feel pretty lost, pretty done, and VERY ready to go home. home to my life, to where i am a wife and a 27 year old woman, where my daughter fits into the context of my surroundings. where i have a daughter...

so this is a nothing post. but i am still alive up here. just so you all know.

to: gwendolyn hope, from: mommy

2010-12-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, my love.

It's Christmas eve, and I'm the last one up, as usual. I've always liked to stay up late, watching the christmas tree lights twinkle and reveling in the magic of the season. And here I sit, reflecting on Christmas and aching to hold you. You've been with our Jesus for sixty-six days now. (Although I have a theory that God keeps the spirit of babies in heaven before birth... completely unfounded, but it's a better option than what's out there.) I hope that they celebrate Christmas in Heaven... I know that every "day" in Heaven is a glorious celebration of our Almighty God, but I also like to think that there are still special moments of remembrance, especially of Jesus' birth, death and ressurrection.

I've missed you so terribly this holiday, gwendolyn. You're in every thought of mine already, but not having you here --- when i had such hopes for your first Christmas --- is literally heart-breaking. I gave your daddy his birthday gift tonight... the scrapbook I made of your life here with us.

To be honest with you gwenny, i'm already dreading next year's Christmas. I see the year of 2011 as a long line of holidays, marked with your absence. Next year's Christmas already seems empty, with you a year older in Heaven and your earthly friends a year older here. Maybe i'll become a kwanzaa celebrator... it doesn't have anything inherently based around love, mothers, fathers, or family.

I feel as if what is "mother" in me is slipping away, the further away i get from you. I'm regressing to being just Erin, which is not near as joyful or fulfilling as being your mom. I am your mom. You are my daughter. I have a daughter. I will keep saying that to myself over and over, to remember that it's true, and you and i know each other deeply.

Look at me, writing you a merry christmas note and getting sidetracked on myself... i'm sorry love. It must be silly to pray for those in heaven, since you are in the fullness of joy. but i earnestly pray for you, my gwendolyn hope, that you are profoundly at rest within Love, full of joy and peace.

I cannot wait to see you again. I enjoy you, every moment. I love you, beyond what you'll ever know. I am so glad you are my daughter. Merry Christmas, my beautiful sweetheart.

hope mommies

2010-12-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

it's thursday, two days until christmas. christmas is kindof relative, since we're going to celebrate tomorrow, and then on ... some day next week with blair's family. but it's hard to believe that the end of the year is here.

the fingers of my left hand are extremely stiff... i've been working on a project for christmas that requires detailed cutting with an exacto knife, and my hand is cramped. so typing is a challenge right now.

tonight blair and i are going to a Stars game with the chapman kiddos and their significant other, and autumn and justin. i've never been to a hockey game, so this could be interesting...

my parents gave Gwendolyn a stocking. and i'm really thankful... i know that when i get around to it, i'll make stockings for our family and give her one as well. i miss writing her name. i feel cheated out of signing it 1,000 times.

her name was never one we considered seriously, actually. i had briefly thrown around gwendolyn or genevieve, but we discarded them for some reason. we agonized over names... especially boys. we didn't really think gwen would be a girl, and were so wonderfully surprised by her gender.

i think we named her at some point on monday while in the hospital, amidst the morphine. perhaps it was tuesday? but we both decided that she wasn't our other name options for girls. we wanted something that meant "blessing" or "miracle", because having her revived to life was a miracle. and at first we thought her middle name would be "joy", but it's taken in our family (leila joy), and it just didn't settle in our souls. "how about 'hope'? 'Blessed Hope.' " i suggested. and Gwendolyn Hope Cushman was announced.

and Hope has become our theme. never before have i so tangibly grasped the concept of hoping in Christ, and hoping for heaven. Gwen's service was beautiful, and pastor chris preached on 6 hopes that we now have, but they all boil down to one: the hope attained by the work of Christ's blood over our sins. I only have peace because of Christ. I will only be in heaven because of Christ. and Gwen also, is ONLY in heaven because of Christ. she and i share the same hope, the hope of glory, Christ in us.

Last night Sarah Erwin and i were chatting for a while on facebook, and the topic of our new title came up ("angel mommies", a phrase given to women who have lost their babies in one way or another to death.) we both agreed that we disliked all the titles that are out there that label us - "babylost" is depressing, as if our children are somehow missing. and "angel mommies" suggests that our children are now angels, which i most emphatically disagree with. and even "heaven mommies" isn't quite right, since i didn't mother heaven. so we decided to make up our own title that we'd agree with. and we discussed how the only reason why we'll get to see our children is because of what Christ accomplished on the cross for our sins, opening the gates of heaven to usher us in. and that is our hope. and tada! "Hope Mommies" is our new theme. and our babies are "Hope Babies", born out of hope, prayed for in hope, taken to Christ in hope.

(how many times did i write the word hope in this blog??? ) i will stop. and brave a trip to Northpark mal l before the Stars game.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Titus 2:11-13

the red line

2010-12-19T21:13:00.000-08:00

in 2006, three days after graduating college, i packed all my belongings (mostly clothes) and headed to chicago, all because the Lord told me to go. and what i experienced there is a different story, written in a different blog, but pieces of it come back to me frequently. it was a sweet time of learning to love the Lord beyond anything and anyone.

A few months in to my time in chicago, faith and danielle came to visit me. i remember us running through downtown chicago in the pouring rain, then sitting on the Metra train for 3 hours in the a/c, and f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g, missing our concert and being bailed out by a stranger. i remember all of us huddled on my full size futon, sleeping sideways with our feet hanging off because i didn't own any other furniture in my apartment. and i remember our goodbye, how the girls were on the opposite side of the L tracks, waiting for their train, all three of us crying. and i think it was faith that said, "this is so dumb," because we were 20 feet away from each other and crying, but separated.

i've felt that way a lot, recently. in the last few days i've felt that i'm on opposite side of the tracks, able to see my friends, hear their words, cry with them... but still separated. what a lonely road, this grief.

we're in denton for christmas. my mom graduated on friday... i am so proud of her! she has spent the last eight years completing her undergrad and master's degrees, all the while being a wife, full time employee, mom, and busy grandmother. now she's done, and i hope she'll be able to relax a bit before she and dad figure out their next big adventure.

i feel a little lost here. i'm out of my routine, so i'm not sure what to do with myself. i'm also attempting to keep a step ahead of a cold/ear infection, but i think it's a losing battle. i feel like grief is present but healing is on hold... but that's probably not true. part of healing is catching up with the rest of the world, right? i mean, my living room couch isn't the only place i'll experience the touch of God... right?
sure.

tonight we went with autumn and justin to a community group called the Upper Room in dallas. and i wasn't very present... there was a family with 6 children in front of us. 4 were adopted. one was a baby girl, just a few weeks old. i was watching the girls most of the time. one of the girls, a cute little asian 4 or 5 year old, was standing on the chair behind her mom during the worship. and she was singing along and mimicking the adults around her, raising her hands and swaying. and i cried, wishing i would see gwen mimic us, and knowing that one day i'll get to worship with her. and the baby was asleep in her older sister's arms. as i watched, she woke up and opened her eyes, waving her arms and focusing her gaze on her sister. and i cried, wishing with all my might that i could've seen gwen open her eyes, move her hands... anything with life.

so tomorrow is monday. we're going to the Hydrant to work for a few hours, then tour a camp. maybe tomorrow i'll be a bit more myself. but for now i just feel stuck on the opposite side of the tracks.

"oh yeah..." moments

2010-12-14T07:32:00.000-08:00

i have lots of those now. the moments when you think, "oh yeah... i think i forgot to turn off my hair straightener... oh yeah, retail orders... oh yeah, i haven't written so-and-so back and i guess its been like a week... how did that happen? ... oh yeah, etc."

i've always been slightly forgetful, but it's worse. blair can tell me something and in that moment i'm totally tracking with him, but then the next day he'll bring it up again and i have no idea what he's talking about.

and i'm slightly amazed at how fast days go by. i'll have the "oh yeah..." moment and i realize it's been many days since the phone call i meant to return, or the thank you letters that i need to write, or emails/facebook i need to respond to. huh.

i'm just not fully present, anywhere.

it's tuesday morning. and already it's halfway through december, my mom graduates on friday, matt and dad are having birthdays this weekend, my baby brother's 14th anniversary/birthday (what DO you call that day??) is this week as well, and gwendolyn would be 2 months this friday. and then it's christmas, flying to wisconsin, driving all over wisconsin for a wedding, flying to dallas, driving home. geez. i'm exhausted just writing it out.

i really wish i had more/better pictures of gwenny. i didn't think at the time, "oh this is the last thing i'll have of her. i should get really nice photos..." i just still hoped that i would have life with her, and i could take a gazillion photos every day.

i miss her today. i miss her every day, but today the pain is acute. every thing i do has sadness wrapped up with it. i've been working on christmas gifts; i won't ever buy her a christmas gift. or birthday gift. or a what-the-heck, i-just-love-you gift. i'm drinking coffee this morning; i won't have the moment when she's young and wants to try coffee because mommy drinks it, screwing up her little face in distaste. or the moment when she's a teenager and wants a frappucino from starbucks because it feels cool, or when she's a young woman and we go out for coffee to talk about her life and her heart. i won't make scrambled eggs for her or rub her back when she's sick, or show her how to crochet and knit and embroider things.

so for all of you who have kids, can you just enjoy the heck out of them today??? because i can't enjoy mine. and i know it's valid when you get irritated at your child, but honestly... it is very difficult to walk through walmart and hear a frazzled mom lashing out at her children about things she will NOT buy, or hear complaints about lack of sleep, lack of understanding about what the child is communicating, etc.

i would LOVE to have a reason to be irritated. one of these days i'm going to pop and start yelling at the women yelling at their kids, "You HAVE your KIDS! Stop yelling at them! Isn't that more important?! Who cares if they're irritating you!? or you can't sleep!? or they can't sleep!? they're with you, aren't they??? you don't have to wonder what she would be like at 5 years old, or 12, or 18. You'll get to experience it. so just deal with the unpleasantness and enjoy the fact that your child is alive, and loves you."

okay... didn't plan on venting. sorry.

and disclaimer: for my sweet friends who have children, please know that i really love you and am not trying to induce guilt for when you are at your wits end. it's still valid. and i know i'd have the same moments if gwen were alive. i guess my prayer is that you'll be able to quickly move through the frustration and give thanks that you are even being frustrated. (and i'll still want to hear about your life and difficulties, even if it's hard for me okay?)

okay....

coffee? check.

crying? check.

quiet time? getting to it now...

pursued

2010-12-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

I'm a visual learner. If someone is giving me directions, I need clear landmarks, and I mentally map out the left and right turns. Just giving me the list of where to turn and when does not help me naturally - i like to see the little map and visualize the turns. Whatever i'm instructed to do, I have to mentally visualize myself doing it, anticipate all the avenues and repercussions of each step or decision, then go about the task. This is the only thing that works in my favor and enables me to be somewhat creative (i am not naturally - i just copy.) I can picture the purse i want to sew, then "un-sew" it in my head and piece it back together in reality.

anyways. long explanation. the point is that i'm also a visual learner in my relationship with God. I see my life with Him in pictures, and can only fully express how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking once i envision myself inside of a story.

This past wednesday the fictional "me" was screaming, throwing things, smashing mirrors, etc. (I think the fictional me keeps me from actually doing most of these things in real life.) I've been seeing her stumble her way through a long dark valley, overcome by the shade of grief. And yesterday, she was done. She just sat down in the cold darkness and cried.

So that's what I did too. I'm done.

I had an incredibly challenging week, due to 'normal' activities. I worked, went to a movie, a christmas party, grocery shopping, and spent a day with the Walkabout students. All this normality is suffocating. I can only handle trying to be brave for so long before i crumble, which is what i did at the river walk in San Antonio. and again in the office bathroom. and again in a parking lot. and again at the YO hotel during the christmas party.

So yesterday, I gave up. It was kind of like an emotional and social hangover... I was foggy, unresponsive, and thoroughly done with everything. My poor husband. He's so incredibly sweet, and I am not a very good wife right now.

My hangover is wearing off. The Spirit and my conscience won't allow me to simply give up and die, or emotionally check out for the rest of my life. So I get up, and start walking again. Still with no light, no explanation, no foreseeable change coming up.

You know what's amazing too, about God? He gets so excited about praising Himself, I think. The Spirit seems to exclaim, "YES!! Good job! Right choice!!" when i choose to get over myself and be swallowed up in grace. And then He infuses me with the ability to trust and go on walking.

This morning I read Psalm 6, and it led me on a treasure hunt:

I am worn out from sobbing,
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief;
my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

My vision is blurred by grief. Surely it will not always be so? "Surely..."

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life." Psalm 23:6

What does it mean by "follow", I wonder? As in, it will trail after me, but never be with me? So i pull out my trusty Strong's Concordance, and am blessed by the Lord - this word "follow" means to pursue, to chase, to overtake.

I'm not normally a fan of The Message, but i like the word picture it paints for Psalm 23:6: "Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life."

Strong's also says that the word for "mercy" in verse 6 means "strength", "steadfastness", and "love". To render a translation without those three meanings would lose it's richness, and either be solely a sentiment without a backbone (love) or cold and legalistic (strength).

So I am being chased by the steadfastness, strength, and love of God, even in this valley. His love is not an empty sentiment, all fuzzy with no depth and no hold over real life circumstances. And His strength and steadfastness are not calculating penny pinchers with no compassion. I am pursued - consistently, steadily, and mightily being overwhelmed by the tenderness of Yahweh.

even here. even now. even 8 weeks later.

i've never cried so hard because of an animated movie

2010-12-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

until i saw Tangled today. super cute, you should see it. one of the best animated films of this genre, for sure. and i'm glad i saw it and will buy it when it comes out, but fair warning - there are a few incredibly tender, (and for me, raw) scenes in it. the happy ending is so... heart wrenching for anyone who has known the pain of separation from their child. i cannot wait to run to gwen some day.

so thanks Tangled, for causing me to weep in the parking lot of Chinatown restaurant.

plodding on

2010-12-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

it's tuesday morning, and i'm slow to start the day. i have my coffee with me, and that's about the only peaceful thing i see... my house is once again, wrecked.

this new normal is starting to sink in, i think. which scares me, of course. i would almost rather the agony of those first few days and weeks than the dull ache and clouds. but life goes on.

our weekend was full - christmas shopping, meeting with the midwives, dinner with friends in kerrville, our elder meeting on sunday morning, church, lunch with friends, more errands (we bought an iphone) and almost picked up hitch hikers, but we weren't going very far in the direction they needed. (a disappointment; i've always wanted to pick up hitch hikers.)

yesterday was a monday, highlighted by crying with valerie, a bible study with the walkabout girls and anne, and meeting with sydney.

i've been trying to get the thanksgiving photos to download, but they're being problematic. so i haven't forgotten dad!

not much to say here, really. i'm just plugging along, one foot in front of the other. it seems to be that God's word to me is, "Wait." wait for what? wait for how long? and will whatever it is that i'm waiting for be as good or better than what i had wanted and still want? no answer, just "Wait." and if His waiting was the kind that hides under the covers, counting down the days until that Day and becoming untidy and unkempt... well i think i could do that kind of waiting quite easily.

But God's "wait" is never like that. He wants me to keep living, to keep engaging, to love and serve my shattered heart out. I think... I think that He wants to show me that He will come through. He will be faithful. He will enable me to stand upon the heights, to laugh over my enemies. He will enable me to run and not grow tired, to walk and not faint. He will do these things, as i wait.

breakfast blend and the expositor's commentary

2010-12-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

"Hope despairs and yet despair hopes," is how Martin Luther summed up Psalm 13.

I awoke with this question before the Lord, "How long will i have sorrow in my heart?" Not quite remembering it's biblical address, I went searching through my ESV, and found Psalm 13.

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because He has dealt bountifully with me.

This sums me up perfectly. How long shall I wear this heavy spirit as a garment? How long will I wake up every day, missing Gwen? How long will it take until I am whole, and quietly resting in Your presence with joy? How long will it take before life seems like life again? How long will it take until I can have children again? Light up my eyes, Lord, lest I despair unceasingly and lose hope, and lose myself in depression. Look upon me and answer, O God. I don't want the devil to delight in this, to rejoice over me and say that Death has won. You are greater! Do not allow me to put You to shame by being shaken. "I know whom I have believed," and i trust in You. You will not fail me, or allow Your name to be dishonored. Because I hope in YOU, not in my circumstances or in potential future blessings You may give me, I will rejoice and sing.

I have many thoughts bouncing around in my brain, but I can't figure out how to organize them neatly, so i will just write them out in no particular sequence:

Random thought #1:

I think that all too often, well meaning Christians give Satan more power than the Lord has allowed him. I've never been one to say that "the devil is tempting/discouraging me," because I usually think that the majority of the time, it's my own sinful nature and desires that do those things (James 1:14). But I do believe that Satan wields death ("The last enemy to be destroyed is death." I Cor. 15:26). But I don't believe Satan can harm believers without God's allowance (Job 1:6, Luke 22:31). I KNOW that God allowed and determined the day of Gwen's death. So i will not say that satan had victory.

And now that you know my foundational beliefs, I will say that I have recognized Satan, Death, and Disbelief as my enemies during this time. And I can pray along with the Psalmist, "Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether who seek to snatch away my life;"

I earnestly desire for God to have an ABOUNDING, undoubtable victory in my and Blair's faith and life. I desire that satan and his minions be put to shame, and disappointed altogether as they wished for us to lose heart, to doubt God's goodness to us, and to abandon the faith. (Praise be to God that He always wins!)

Random thought #2:

I have more hope than I think people think I have. I just feel the freedom to fully mourn and lament. The Expositor's Commentary says this of Psalm 13:5:

"Though he has experienced deep despair, the psalmist does not give up. His feet did not slip. He held on to the promise of God's covenant love. He is not overwhelmed by his troubles, but in his depression he says, 'But I trust.' The emphatic 'But I' is a surprising response from the heart of a depressed person. Because life may be so bitter for some, it is only by God's grace that the heart of faith may groan, 'But I.' "

Random thought #3:

I've felt guilty for being consumed by the loss of Gwendolyn. "Surely I should be giving thanks... I still have a husband who loves me, family, my health, friends, my home and job... I should probably feel a little more grateful. And i'm saved from an eternity in hell." And I've felt guilty for not being as enamored with salvation as I think I should be.

And I truly am grateful, and in some of my most disheartened moments I've had sweet times of prayer, choosing to list my blessings and thanking Him for them.

The Expositor's had something to say of this too, speaking of the word "salvation" in verse 5: "The effect of God's love for which the psalmist longs is the experience of salvation. 'Salvation' signifies the whole well-being of God's child. He needs the assurance that God cares, as well as the experience of victory over enemy and adverse circumstances. He also needs the healing in his thoughts of anguish and self-pity. God's 'salvation' takes care of all his needs. He will rejoice in the Lord when God shows his fatherly care. The verb gamal ('deal bountifully with') is fraught with meaning. Yahweh bestows his benefits, not in small measure, but in fullness, so as to give his children the experience of complete and free deliverance."

And so I will now pray, with freedom from guilt, of God's complete deliverance for us.

I guess that's all my thoughts for now... that was kindof long.

comatose

2010-12-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

it's been an interesting week. monday and tuesday were almost normal feeling... which feels wrong. on monday i cleaned and had help cleaning, salvaged a vintage couch that i'm going to gut, and made something for dinner. on tuesday i went to bible study, ran errands, bought groceries, and had the chisms over for dinner. on wednesday i went to the staff meeting, and called the insurance agency about medical bills. it was then that i was knocked out of my feelings of normality by a simple question from an unassuming customer service agent: "how's the baby doing?"

and i was thankful, actually. thankful to start crying and break down in the office. thankful for the reminder that i'm still not okay, because i was beginning to worry that i was, and that i was moving on.

and today i'm just sad, unprompted by anything other than the fact that my daughter is dead.

and the Spirit just whispered to me, "she's on the other side, Erin! she's alive, and waiting. and you will see her. a horizon is nothing save the limit of your sight. take heart, dear one! take heart."

a GCM song has been ruminating in my soul:

wait for the Lord
be strong, and let your heart take courage
yes, wait for the Lord.

I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!

six weeks

2010-11-29T08:20:00.000-08:00

this has been the longest six weeks of my life. i feel as though i've aged, and now 27 doesn't sound so young anymore. i miss you, sweet girl. i wish i was saying "i love you" to your soft face and not a photograph.

it's monday. we just got home last night from denton, and every room in my house is now messy. if i lived in a town, i'd hire a maid for the rest of the year. what should i do today, i wonder? my house needs cleaning, gwenny's room needs to be reorganized, work is waiting, our accounts need balancing, food needs to be planned and cooked, decisions still hang over me about headstones and insurance, and christmas gifts are waiting to be considered and shopped for. oh, the options!

all of these normal things used to excite me 6 weeks ago. (okay, "excite" is too strong of a word.) But the motivations behind each task was wonderful - "baby is coming, so the room needs to be ready! meals should be frozen, so i can warm up something when i'm too tired to cook. i should deep clean now so i don't have to think about scrubbing the toilet when i'm holding my newborn." all of my motivations centered around my new role as a stay at home mom and manager of our home, and that gave me joy while i was cleaning/budgeting/folding laundry, etc.

and now, what does it matter? i fold laundry so we don't go naked. i cook and clean and shower because my husband needs food and a clean house and a wife that's not disgusting herself. and so life goes on.

and that is just my house. what of my relationships? my work? my ministry? the women i'm privileged to know and disciple? all of these things are too weighty for me. I want to hide under the covers and sleep my life away, waking up to a better day filled with a baby's cries and children's laughter, when mundane things like vacuuming take on a glorified purpose.

i'm struggling with Your goodness to me today, God. and I honestly don't want to step out and try and trust that even today, You will be good, and that even today, i can find joy in serving You and doing laundry for Your glory. Lift me up, strong Son of God, and enable me to bless You.

i give thanks.

2010-11-26T21:21:00.000-08:00

do you ever feel how God comes through at just the right time? tonight was ending on a sad note for me. thanksgiving had gone well - crazy, but well - and today was shopping, movie watching, knitting, playing games, and more movies. mom, dad, blair and i went to see Unstoppable, then walked around downtown denton. we stopped in at Jupiter House for the loo and a drink (i recommend the carmel nut nebula; they also make fabulous latte art).

the last time i was in denton was two weeks before gwendolyn was born. blair was driving to texarkana for work, and i was enjoying a day with my friends. i had started my morning off by taking mom to work, then going to Jupiter House for coffee and a quiet time. i remember being exuberantly happy ... it had been a beautiful fall morning, i was wearing a scarf and drinking coffee, and in a city again. i was immersed in pure felicity. i even wrote danielle and faith, telling them how ridiculously happy i was. and why, you ask? because my life was all that i had hoped. i loved my husband, i was due at any moment, and all was right in the world.

and tonight, remembering how happy i was... well it's just depressing. it seems as if all my happy moments are a mockery.

i met kelly recently... another sweet mom who is missing her baby. (i honestly just hate it that there are so many of us... so much death.... hate it. ) and she sent a link to a youtube video of Desert Song. it is encouraging to know that other people who have felt such a deep loss also have felt the "loss" of feeling God's nearness in the way that you have felt before. and you trust in the God that you know, and you keep walking blindly.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

no weapon formed against me shall remain. thank you, Lord.

captivate us

2010-11-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

"A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work in the vineyard today.' And he answered, 'I will not,' but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, 'I go, sir,' but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?" Matthew 21:28-31

I desire to do your will, God. I don't want to be as either of these sons... I want to be the one who joyfully and obediently responds. Mom always said that delayed obedience was disobedience. Lord i know that i have been disobedient, i have struggled with Your will to rejoice always, give thanks, to trust and hope in you. And you have proven faithful, and have patiently endured my railing and doubts and anger. Forgive me for thinking less of you than you really are.

Lord, please be my strong Shield and Tower, my Refuge of strength. hide me away from the sorrow that blinds me to the Truth, the despair that overwhelms me, the doubt that seeks to destroy my faith in You.

Tuck me away, God, and "be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me! O LORD, make haste to help me! Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether who seek to snatch away my life; let those be turned back and brought to dishonor who desire my hurt! Let those be appalled because of their shame who say to me, 'aha, aha!' But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, 'Great is the LORD!' As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!" Psalm 40:13-17

Teach me to run to you with my grief, God. Your love does not always seem like love to me. but Your ways are higher, and good. Your ways are different, but good.

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways! 'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?' 'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?' For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. amen." Romans 11:33-36

Lord, give me discernment as i wade through the rolling emotions of each day. teach me to run to Jesus with them and uncover the truth or the lies behind them. may i only know Truth, God. teach me to rest in your goodness when i cannot understand your will. i love you Lord. so imperfectly, but i love you.

my journal entry today - don't judge too harshly.

2010-11-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

can Faith be Faith without emotions? does it only include positive emotions? and when emotions are void, does it nullify your faith?

What do you want of me, God? You have taken what is precious to me. And you desire my affections too? You are most Unfair, God. My obedience you have. My will, my life, my allegiance and faith. And that is not enough? You desire my affections? Do you realize how ludicrous that sounds to me? You wound me, maim me, strip my love and hope away, yet still call, "All of you Erin... love Me with all of you, even your affections."

You are most Unfair, God. You create me four-fold. My physical body mocks me, a constant reminder of what happened and how it failed me. spiritually and mentally, i know Whom I have believed. but maybe not as I should... and emotionally? You do this to me and yet You still exact your requirements to be emotionally loved by me?

And will You not speak to me until I have met them? Will You not meet me here, in the dust and ashes of burned up hopes, as I tremble and hesitate to light the fire of my broken offering? Is it only after that You will comfort and bring relief?

And Your answer to Job in his distress was a display of Your power and awesome might. is that all i am to expect? You put me in my rightful place amidst earthen pots and unformed clay? No comfort, no tears, no divine hug and glimpse of an explanation? Even my parents gave a reason when they disciplined, even if i didn't fully understand it at the time. They never physically struck me without telling me why. Are You not a greater Father and Mother?

But You have struck, You have marred, You have reduced me to nothing. and i hear nothing.

If it's for Your glory that You take children from the arms of eager parents... You are sorely testing our faith in Your loving kindness and compassion.

Should I be so enamored by the Christ's atonement that the loss of Gwendolyn ceases to matter? If that's the case, then why love at all? why create families? Why give us blessings if we're not to enjoy them?

And what does Your Spirit say to mine today? "She out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

You are most Unfair, God.

empty.

2010-11-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

i don't have much to say. i had a depressed day.

yep. that's about it.

i was thinking about how debi coached me to relax into contractions... to surrender to them. i was very confused about that, even in my foggy-labor brain. how do i surrender to the massive amount of pain i'm experiencing? how do you keep your body from resisting it, from seizing up and attempting to control or channel it elsewhere? i didn't have much luck with that concept during my labor with gwen.

today felt like a contraction. well, i would say the peak of a contraction. this whole weekend was mounting sadness, and it crested over me today. and i don't know how to surrender to it, to just feel sad, knowing there's no light in the midst of death's shadow. a Companion, yes. but no light at the end of the tunnel.

yep. that's all i got. nothing profound or uplifting or anything to grasp on to. just pain, pain, and pain.

i'm melting, melting...

2010-11-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

i didn't even realize i was having that difficult of a day until i had a melt down tonight. the instigator? a foiled pizza. (literally--- somehow the foil stuck to the crust.) and then i had a wonderful moment where my wedding ring fit my finger again! ...and that lasted for about 5 seconds, until i realized it was cutting off the circulation in my finger. but could i get it off? no. ensue meltdown.

it took about 20 minutes of icing, holding it above my head, wine, whining, saran wrap and lubricant, and one very patient husband to get it off. sigh.

blair and i took a trip to hot springs for a few days. very sweet friends of ours lent us their house and gave us a spa treatment to allow us to relax and be away from our life for a few days. it was really wonderful to have such quality time with blair, and have time away from the internet and phone.

Nancy Guthrie in her book, Holding On To Hope said, "The day after we buried Hope, I understood for the first time why so many people choose to medicate their pain in so many harmful ways. That day I tried to sleep it away. And in the days that followed, I discovered that I could not sleep it away, shop it away, eat it away, drink it away, or travel it away. I just had to feel it. And it hurt. Physically."

I had read that before our trip, but I still hoped that traveling would allow me some reprieve... negative. Gwen was everywhere. I will never take her shopping. I will never get coffee with her. I will never travel with her, and learn her traveling style (serious plan from point to point like her dad? wandering aimlessly like her mom?) Doing life is painful, since life is exactly what i will not have with her, for a while. but each day takes me closer.

I was able to worship today to the this song by Third Day:

To you, O Lord, I lift my soul
In you, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me
My hope is in you
Show me your ways
Guide me in Truth
In all my days
My hope is in you
I am, O Lord, filled with your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me
My broken spirit shouts
My mended heart cries out...

prepositions

2010-11-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

Grammar was never really my thing. (when it came to school, I’m not really sure I had a “thing”… biology, maybe? Psychology? Definitely not anything sports related, we know.) I didn’t really click with English grammar until I was learning German, and had to remember how adverbs and adjectives and indirect objects and prepositions worked.

I’ve been thinking that God is a fan of the preposition “through”. According to dictionary.com, the word “through” means: in at the first step of a process, treatment, or method of handling, passing through subsequent steps or stages in order, and finished, accepted, or out of the last step or stage. And that’s what He’s doing in me and in Blair… it's a process, a treatment... a purging of the dross and refining by fire. He wants us to go through the red sea, through the valley of the shadow of death, through the water and fire. There’s no getting around the pain… the only way up is through.

My daughter is one month old today. What would she have been like today? Crying, difficult to understand, opinionated? (read mother’s daughter?) or calm, cautious, and cute as all get out (like her dad)? Would she have settled into a routine? How much would she have kept us up at night? I bet she would be able to hold her head up. And have gained another few pounds. My daughter.

What kind of mother would I have been? Patient? Enjoying every blessed moment? Frustrated from lack of sleep and having no idea what my screaming baby was trying to communicate? All throughout my pregnancy, I envisioned taking great naps with her. And now, when I lay down I think of what it would feel like to have her little body next to mine, sleeping away.

What kind of woman am I now? Broken, grief-filled, questioning yet determinedly clinging to what I believe, yes. But how then shall I live? I want to be a better woman, a better wife, daughter, sister, friend… I know that Gwen has impacted me deeply, but I want it to be the good kind of impact that leaves me not a little bit closer to Jesus, but DRAMATICALLY closer to Him and radically more like Him.

Sweet baby, I miss you today. Every day brings me closer to you, and I hope in that. I love you, gwenny. Happy one month with Jesus.

but most of all

2010-11-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

today has been busy with fall camp. it has been fun... and good to laugh. i feel the undercurrent of sorrow seeping through my eyes and smiles and laughter, and i can't fool anyone. but i've been trying to keep it from sweeping over me. my attempt at ignoring it made me remember a story i wrote 5 years ago... i've edited it some to more accurately reflect where i am now:

My house has become a curiosity as of late. Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve had certain visitors come… and stay. Without asking, they’ve taking up residence somewhere along my borders, or inside my home. In the mornings I can hear Brokenness outside the front door, pacing across the creaking wood floorboards. He has developed a routine: knock twice, pace. Tap at the bay window, pace. Knock again, sit. He’s very eager to be with me, but he gives me such a hollow feeling that I politely decline and attempt to ignore his requests. When I venture outside to go about my business, he clings to me like a shadow. When I (we, I should say, for he has taken to lodging on my front porch) return, I ask him to wait outside and he always replies, “Happily, ma’am.”

In the evenings I’ll often find Mara and Mourning in the garden, strolling on the stone paths overtaken with vines and ivy, or resting under the gazebo’s graceful arms. Neither of them are very cheerful creatures, and in a small way I fear them. Or rather, I fear what affect they would have upon my countenance and being. And so I oblige them with an arm in arm stroll across the grounds, and soon after I bid them goodnight, I’ll hear them sing. Its always the same song: a slow lament that winds its way through the eaves of the house and under the crack in the kitchen window and settles itself softly in the hallway.

Sorrow is a peculiar thing. He likes to hide in the most unusual places… in between the bed sheets, for instance. I find him frequently peeking out from behind the picture frames that line the walls, or lingering around the coffee cups. He especially likes my perfume cabinet. He and I often sit on the overstuffed couch that rests in the living room, and entertain Silence, who comes to call rather frequently.

But most of all, there is Hope. She comes less often these days, but her visits always cheer me. She usually takes my hand as we walk to the top of the stairs, through the french doors and out on the balcony. We sit and watch the sunset and before she leaves, she hands me a gift…always the same, small token: an exquisitely carved wooden leaf made from solid oak. She always repeats the same phrase, “Fulfillment is on his way.”

it's been a bad day

2010-11-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

"Suddenly, here it is again. The chain of suggestion can begin almost anywhere: a phrase heard in a lecture, an unpainted board on a house, a lamp pole, a stone. From such innocuous things my imagination winds its sure way to my wound. Everything is charged with the potential of reminder. There is no forgetting." - Nicholas Wolterstorff

It was a bad dream last night that prompted wailing, weeping, and yelling in the shower today. it wasn't supposed to be this way.

"He has made my skin and my flesh grow old; and has broken my bones. He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead." Lamentations 3:4-6

"Has God forgotten to be merciful?" Psalm 77:9

"The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me." Job 30:27

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me? so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent." Psalm 22:1-2

even the stars sometimes fade to gray, even the stars hide away

2010-11-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning, really wishing that reality wouldn't set in. i just don't want this. i miss gwen today, and miss feeling her inside me... i was always amazed by how strong she was, and how she could reach all the way around to jab me in the kidneys or lung... my sweet baby just needed more room, i think.

i've been thinking about NOT thinking about the emergency procedures. It is so difficult for me to remember when things started to go wrong... when Dr. C told me that my baby might not be alive... i never, never, never ever want to hear anyone tell me the things they told me and did to me in the emergency room. So at this point, i keep shoving those memories into the dark corners of my brain, and would like them to stay there. (it's not as if i could really forget, but i don't want to call them to mind.)

But am i supposed to remember? Do i need to? is there some sort of healing to be found by remembering those things? Do i need to be intimately acquainted with every square inch of the cross i now bear, or can i carry they weight without knowing?

i want to hide away today.

mother daughter dates

2010-11-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

i feel like the Lord was gracious to me yesterday, and that his birthday gift to me was a double portion of joy. gwen was never far from my mind, and the depth of losing her will always undergird other emotions, but yesterday i was able to feel joy.

i went to our bible study and was encouraged by the message. lately i have been so comforted by the fact that Gwen is REAL, she is still a physical being in a physical place, and has a personality, a love for Jesus, and Lord willing, is still 10lbs 1 oz. She is not a fairy tale or fictional character, she's not surreal or imagined or non-existent. I will see and touch her and hear her voice and laugh with her some day. I will know my daughter. yesterday I read this quote about children in heaven, and while i don't know if it's true or not, i really hope it is:

"I believe with all my heart that God will raise the little ones such that the mother's arms who have ached for them will have the opportunity of holding them. The father's hand which never held the little hand will be given the privilege. I believe that little ones will grow up in the care of their earthly parents, if they are saved." - J. Vernon McGee

I had errands to run after bible study, but i was longing to spend time with my daughter. I got my favorite starbucks drink and went and sat at her plot, thinking of how one day her body will be resurrected from that small 2 foot by 1 foot space. I prayed and talked with her and God and asked Him to pass along messages to her. I read 1 Corinthians 15 over her, and told her what will happen in her future. I find so much comfort knowing that Death will be swallowed up, and never allowed to touch anything ever again. The earth will be purified from the ravages of decay and death, and be freshly new. And we who love and know Jesus will inhabit it.

Afterwards I went and spoke with the rep at the monument place - he spent an hour educating me on all my options for headstones. (Okay so not the best idea of what to do on my birthday, and it was emotionally taxing. i thought i would just stop in, but it was helpful.) I have to say though that i know more about headstones than i ever wanted to know, and they charge you an arm and a leg for a piece of granite.... hard not to feel like they take advantage of people in grief. but maybe the good stones really do cost $900...

they put up a temporary stone for the time being.

27

2010-11-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

i've had a lot of ideas and thoughts that meant to turn themselves into a blog, but didn't...

my sister came for the weekend, at the last minute. it was so sweet to my soul to have her here. we're only two years apart, and have always been close. when i watch my nieces play together, i think autumn and i must've been the same when we were 6 and 4... playing pretend about nearly everything, fighting over toys and learning to apologize. we've gone through everything together, and i love that she is so near to my heart that we feel each other's sorrows and joys deeply. she is mourning my loss as a mother and hers as an aunt; and we settle into a rhythm of relating to one another that's 27 years into the making. autumn knows the balance of asking questions, crying, making me laugh, serving me when i need it, giving me space with my husband and quiet time with the Lord... what a good thing God creates when He makes sisters. I never have adequate words to express my whole heart, but know that i love you, aut.

speaking of time ... tomorrow is my 27th birthday. i've had a habit for the last 10+ years or so, that the night before my birthday i will sit and journal about the past year and what has changed, how i am different, what were the highlights and the lows, etc. i pull out my journal(s) and read through the past 365 days, remembering what God brought me through.

the theme of my 26th year was Baby. it's what dominated the majority of my thoughts, prayers, and actions. we started trying to get pregnant in december; we found out we were pregnant on february 7. overall, i believe my year was one of JOY, unspeakable joy. and i won't let despair take that away from me. being Gwen's mom for the 9 months of her life was the most lovely thing i've experienced.

Today I was reading Isaiah 61, and how the Lord came to proclaim "the year of the Lord's favor". I began (and will still) be praying that God would give us a year of His favor... but I believe He already did. and while it didn't turn out at all as i had hoped, anticipated or dreamed, He did give us 9 sweet months of joy and a beautiful baby... He had favor over us.

Here's to a new year... Lord, please give me new hopes, new dreams. please show your favor on us once again. please fulfill my longing in your good timing... but soon, Lord, please. Draw my heart after Yours, God. Thank you for never resting until I am wholly, completely Yours.

seasons

2010-11-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about mourning lately, and how i think we americans do it all wrong. and i figured, that if there's a way to do it right, i'll find it in the bible... and what i've found is outward, emotional, long periods of mourning. they expressed grief. they took time for it. they stopped all celebrations and rituals and habits. they sat in silence. they wailed loudly. the psalmist expressed his range of emotions through writing and song. these are the ones that grieved well.

i've met so many women who have lost children or siblings or parents, who have told me that they think blair and i are doing well to "let it out" and to write and write and write and talk and talk and talk. they had not, they tell me, and you can still see the burden they carry.

so i am determined to do this well.

i was reading ecclesiastes 3 today, and decided to expound the verses and personalize them (vs. 2-4):

God predestined a time for Gwendolyn Hope to be born - it was October 18, 2010 at 3:10pm. He also predetermined her time of death - October 20, 2010 at 3:30am.

He gave Blair and I a time to plant and cultivate dreams for Gwen - 9 sweet months. He gave us a time to dig them up and plow up the ground, readying our hearts for His new (and good) plan - this is now.

He created a time to die to ourselves and to our own wills as we lay them down before Him. He also promises a time of healing, a season in which He will gently bind our wounds and restore our broken walls.

He gives us days full of breaking down emotionally before His Body, the Church. He gives the Body the grace to build us up and carry us --- physically, emotionally, spiritually.

He hollows out periods of time for weeping, and weeps with us. He graciously gives moments of laughter to balance out the waves of suffering.

He has determined a time for us to mourn, and promises that we are blessed because of it, for we will be comforted. He invites us to dance with Him, like clumsy children standing on His great big feet as He moves us along to His rhythm.

This is my God. He makes all things beautiful, in it's time.

theology vs. emotions

2010-11-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

so maybe i spoke too soon in my blog post about trying not to be angry... i feel so, SO hurt by God this morning... and i just want to be angry to help myself express it better.

what am i to do, when my theology battles my emotions??? i KNOW that God is good, i believe it with all my heart. i KNOW that He is powerful, and the Creator, and could speak LIFE into Gwen, even now!!

but He didn't. He didn't! WHY!? why???! she was just a baby! why not!?

and what does that mean about my faith??? at some point in september, i asked God to give me more faith. And since He is the object of my faith, i thought it would behoove me to study the character of Christ. So i began reading Matthew and Luke, concurrently. And now i regret that decision, since i don't know what to do with the Jesus i'm reading about. He tells me that if i have faith, i can move mountains (Matt. 17:20) and that if two of us agree on earth about anything we ask, it WILL BE DONE for us by our Father in heaven (Matt. 18:19) and that i ought always to pray and not lose heart (luke 18:1) because "will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily." (Luke 18:7-8)

and i understand that that doesn't mean i get everything i want, and that God has this giant cosmic plan that i couldn't understand even if He explained it to me... but didn't Jesus want his disciples and the crowds to take Him at His word? to believe what he spoke to them, and have faith in the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish great things?

i don't care to know that there is a purpose in this. no purpose will be good enough for me. i know that's selfish, and very me-focused. but i'm not okay with my baby dying for my sanctification, or other's sanctification... and i'm not really okay with her dying to bring other's to Jesus. isn't that what His death was for?

I'm not okay with God today. I feel hurt, bruised, disappointed, broken... and His words just confuse me today. today i don't have the faith to say, "though he slay me, i will hope in him."

what's the phrase about biting the hand that feeds you?

2010-11-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about anger these past two weeks. i've had many people tell me that it's okay to be angry, to express my anger, to yell and scream when i need to... God can handle it. and i know i've said the same thing to many people before. and what we mean when we say this is, "don't bottle your anger." or "it's not a sin to be angry." or "be willing to go deep into all your emotions." or other things like that.

but anger is really a secondary emotion. it's a productive emotion... it gives you a sense of control and power, and it is normally directed outwards at God or others. but when you get down to it, anger is really just being hurt. and it's not any fun to just sit inside "hurt-ness" and be vulnerable... it's much easier to be angry.

when my brother christopher died, i was so hurt by God that i threw myself into anger and bitterness... i was the embodiment of rage, just waiting to tip over on some poor, unsuspecting person.

i don't want to be that again. as much as it hurts to just feel hurt, i don't want to be engulfed by anger. i'm still asking God "why", and telling Him how much i feel hurt by him. and maybe some day i might need to yell at him, but right now He's the only one who can comfort my soul completely... he also injured my soul, but "he disciplines those he loves." (or wounds, in this case.)

racoons are like satan.

2010-11-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

they come to steal, kill and destroy. this morning at 3am, two of them snuck into our chicken coop and killed two of our chickens. We heard the chickens squawking and blair saw the coons out the window, so he went out and shot them. i don't think we woke up too many of the neighbors... we both laid in bed for awhile, trying to calm down. i kept thinking of our poor chickens and how they had probably all flew off. so i decided to go looking for them. as i walked out i saw another coon on top of the chicken run - i told blair and he got that one too. afterwards we decided to check the chicken area, and thankfully 9 of our original 11 were still sleeping inside their coop.

silly things, but additional loss in any way is distressing to me.

today i decided to come back to work for a few hours. i'm not sure if that was the best idea for today or not. i was fighting back tears during the staff meeting... how silly. i'm not ready for "normal". My previous normal, up to October 17, was to be pregnant and enjoy my husband and be ready for a child. Now everything that is "normal" just seems wrong... some people find comfort in routine after grief... not my style. i just want everything to be different, since it IS different. I should have a new house that doesn't have the hope of gwen around every corner. I should have new clothes that i didn't wear with her, ones that fit a new body that is marred by a 6 inch scar. i should have new hobbies and habits, things that won't make me cry as i remember how i was excited about sewing her clothes or knitting her a new diaper cover. I have all of my old life waiting for me, full of every reminder that we don't have our blessed hope here in our arms. i try to remember life with her in me and be thankful... and sometimes it works. but today it's just too sad for me to remember.

i am thankful for Blair today. Apart from the Word of the Lord, he is the biggest encouragement to my heart and can still make me smile. And this morning, and i saw him doing things he doesn't like to do (like shoot animals when he's not hunting) i was thankful that he is the Defender of Our Home, and my Close Companion and Champion of my Heart. I love you infinitely more, husband. Thanks for making me smile today.

gwenny's star

2010-11-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

This morning i read Psalm 147:3-4. "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names."

My dad has been praying verse 3 for me and blair. I thought verse 4 was interesting... i always thought the idea of God naming the stars and giving each of them value was beautiful. I didn't see the correlation between the verses though.

This afternoon we received a package from Holland --- from the star registry. a friend of ours named a star after Gwendolyn, so that every time we look at the heavens we can be reminded of the hope that we have in Christ Jesus.

After a rough two days and a half, this was a bright spot in my day. here's a picture of her star... it's by Hercules and Corona Borealis.

the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

2010-11-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

isn't that the title of that kid's book? a little over the top, but expresses an emotion quite well.

i just re-read facebook messages from the last two weeks... and they roll from prayers of healing and faith into prayers for comfort in grief. it's difficult to remember.

i'm broken hearted today. i don't want to be strong, and i don't want to know or attempt to be comforted by the fact that God is using this to give me a greater faith or make us great witnesses or anything. i really just want this to be a dream, and to wake up with gwen kicking inside me or crying beside me.

but i won't. and the nightmare just goes on.

on a happier note...

2010-10-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

last night we celebrated Josh and Meredith getting married... it was beautiful and touching and i cried sad and happy tears. we saw a lot of good friends... a lot of our counselors --- our little family --- came, which was really encouraging to us.

i of course forgot to take photos during the daylight.

during the ceremony, josh and meredith honored Gwendolyn by walking a single pink rose down to blair and me. (cue tears.)

during the daddy daughter dance, i was sad that blair wasn't able to dance with gwenny. but most of the day was joyful... and i'm thrilled for them.

long day...

2010-10-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

this morning we went to church. i cried the whole service through.

on the drive there, we listened to a Selah cd that my dear friend gave to me. On the cd, Todd sings the song, "I Surrender All". The song has always had a profound meaning for me, ever since i rededicated my life to Christ in my high school years. But this morning I couldn't handle the song, or the memories of how fervently I have sung that to my Lord. See, God and I have this "no lying" policy. (well, I should say that I have a "no lying" policy towards Him, since it is impossible for God to lie.) I have sworn that i will not say anything to God that i don't fully mean - intellectually, soulfully, and emotionally. So if i'm singing a song that says something i don't agree with or cannot honestly confess to Him at that moment, i don't sing that line/song.

And this morning, i was confronted with the question, "Do you surrender all to Me, Erin?" And i couldn't answer Him. because I would never, never, never, willingly give Gwendolyn up. I hope that I could love Jesus enough to be obedient, and joyfully so, but I cannot say that I would give her up, if offered the choice.

During the month of October, our church has read the story of Abraham and Isaac during our call to worship. And two weeks ago, as i sat there counting contractions all throughout the service, I thought, "I don't have that, God. I don't have the attitude and trust of Abraham to sacrifice my child, my only child whom i love, to you." (and i thought this, thinking that i would never really have to... or the "sacrifice" would be some type of metaphor for when they're going through rebellious teenage years.)

I cried all the way to church, thinking of how I love Gwen and am not willing to give her up, and how "he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37) So I lose daughter and Jesus? (I know, theologically that i cannot lose Jesus nor He lose me; but it is the question of my heart's loyalty to Him is at stake.)

And the service was filled with songs that i could not sing, like, "If ever i loved Thee, My Jesus tis now." So, i'm not really sure how to process this question that He still poses before me. I kindof just want to ignore it. But annoyingly, He's expanding the question in my mind, and reminding me that what i have and WHO i have in my life are gifts... could i surrender Blair? my parents and family? my friends? Could i hold them loosely, knowing they are but gifts and never mine in the first place?

Nope. my honest answer is currently, "heck no." I know He'll be working on that in my heart, and eventually i will surrender my will to His... but right now, i'm not there.

Blair and I went took a picnic lunch to Gwenny's plot. We took a pumpkin and the last photo of me pregnant with her... at the pumpkin patch. I've always liked cemeteries... you can go there and never be bothered, you can have any type of emotion and it's somehow allowed there. I didn't think I would want to frequent her plot, but i might surprise myself.

carried by grace

2010-10-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

i just spent the morning coughing up phlegm (what a gross word) and reading through Sarah's blog. She has been a huge source of encouragement to me, and what i saw over and over again in her blog is her decision to keep on living. She chooses joy in Christ over the pain of losing Holden, and I am truly astounded by her.

Last night Blair and I went to the pumpkin carving and chili cook-off at camp. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was... this was one of those little deaths. I had hoped to bring Gwen and show her off. Both of us had been in more of a fragile mood yesterday, and it was difficult to smile and laugh. And i know that my sweet friends don't quite know what to do to love on us... keep loving and asking and hugging all the same, please. Just know sometimes i will not want to talk or smile.

by the grace of God, i purpose to live today... i think a walk and making carrot cake are in order.